[1] Codependent Romance - Divided & Conquered
(Podcast Transcript)
Hi, friends. Today we are lifting the veil about codependent romance.
Oh, codependent romance is such a big topic.
So today we're going to explore questions like:
Why is it that we romanticize codependency?
How does codependency keep us trapped in survival mode? How does codependent romance uphold capitalism?
And what does your love life have to do with war and genocide?
Who influences your childhood fantasies to whose benefit and whose expense?
Let's just go and take a deep breath.
I just want to say this is going to be triggering. Okay? Like, this is some deep stuff we're touching on. We are going to balance it out. We're going to be dreaming of alternate realities outside of capitalist imperialism, outside of the scarcity paradigm.
And we're going to talk about what actions you can take right now today to create a reality rooted in abundance? Because you do have the power. I promise.
So, you know, this is some heavy stuff. We're looking at our childhood fantasies, and that can be a very tender thing. You know, we plan our whole lives around our vision for our lives. And it can feel very confronting to even question where do our childhood fantasies come from, let alone
lift the veil like just layer by layer, like we're going to do today. So I just want to remind you that we're doing this for a reason.
James Baldwin says not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
If we are tired of imperialist culture, if we are tired of normalizing genocide and war and we are committed to peace on earth, then we must face how co-dependent romance keeps us divided and conquered. We just simply have to. So with that being said, please, please, please, please proceed. Read with curiosity,
compassion and courage. This will require courage. We're facing some confronting things, so it might feel a little unsettling. But, you know, there's no judgment here. Not in this space. And there is no shame. We all get indoctrinated into this. So, again, please be kind to yourself if you feel judgment. Just notice that. And remember, this is so much bigger than us. And by us looking at it, we are shaping change. So thank you. Thanks for being here and having the courage and the heart to take a look at these things.
So let's begin. Let's start with looking at the fantasy. What is the common childhood fantasy that we inherit from the collective?
And of course, you know, the collective is shaped by imperialism, imperialism being a domination paradigm where war is normal and even expected. It's like just another day in the life or. Yeah, it's a war over here. We're over there. This is imperialism.
So part of imperialist philosophy is the way that imperialism defines success. And of course, when we're younger, we associate safety with success. We associate, you know, being desired and being approved of by our peers as success. So we internalize this imperialist fantasy, the fantasy of the American dream, if you will, living in a large private home that has a big grass yard, white picket fence raising children that you birthed, that you raise in the privacy of your big private home.
There is this idea that parenting must be done within the context of romance, and there's an aspiration then to ascend social class to be, at the very least, middle class, but if not upper class. So part of that fantasy is to achieve a high paying job because it is expensive to live in isolation. It is expensive to have this American dream lifestyle. So from the get go, we're already fantasizing about competition. It's like, I must be the best work, the hardest, be the smartest to get the highest paying job so I can afford the American dream.
And part of that, I mean, we're talking about capitalist imperialism. If we're understanding that capitalism fits within the umbrella of imperialism, another system of domination, but within the context of this idea of property or money, putting property or money above humanity.
So part of that is identifying with your job. It's this whole paradigm of doing instead of being we are human beings, not human doings. But capitalist imperialism would have us fantasize to be doing, doing, doing nonstop. We even get a sense of self-worth by what we do.
So, you know, that's history.
This paradigm has not been introduced consensually. We were like, Oh yeah, let's do this. Yeah. Like now it was introduced by violence and force. But that's a different story for a different time. There's an article you can check out in the meanwhile, if you want to deepen on that, it's called Roots Deeper than Whiteness and it's on the website. Wait a week dot org. I believe I'll put a link in the description, talks about the history of capitalism, how it became, and how it was introduced by force.
But anyways, bring us back to the fantasy. So when we're fantasizing about the American dream, really what we're doing is we're romanticizing social isolation and competition. And this might not be obvious if I just say this from the get go, unless you've studied these things. But I do just want to emphasize
living within these nuclear family housing structures. What I mean by that is, you know, the person that you're married to, assuming it's one person, and then your biological offspring or maybe your adopted offspring, that is the nuclear family. So it is such a recent phenomenon in human history that we have housed ourselves in such isolation. We might consider this normal today. But, you know, that's because we don't know anything different. We were born into imperialism. So what we consider normal, we can understand to be a norm of imperialism, living in the nuclear family housing structure. It's really an imperialist tradition. So if you think you're traditional, just ask yourself, whose traditions am I living out?
So like I said, this might not be obvious off the bat unless you've studied it. But I do briefly want to say, when we are living in isolation and competition for our survival, it has a huge cost. It directly affects our well-being. It affects the well-being of Earth herself, of non-human animals, and really just all beings that exist as long as we're living in isolation and competition. We are actively upholding capitalist imperialism. But we'll deepen on this shortly.
So why do we romanticize co-dependency? Well, I mean, maybe I already said it, but it does uphold capitalism and imperialism. It directly threatens our survival.
So why would we romanticize it?
Why would we desire it?
Brace yourself.
This is pretty deep.
Let's take a deep breath together.
The oppressor — We can understand the oppressor to be the capitalists, the ruling class or the master, if you will, the quote unquote, owner of resources.
The oppressor has tricked us into pursuing a dream that threatens our survival. When we are fantasizing about co-dependent romance, we are living in the oppressors' imagination. So, yes, it is true that you might say what, but this is my desire. This comes from within me. And what is also true about the way human beings are designed is that we cannot help but subconsciously internalize our environment. So when we're living in an imperialist paradigm, the 1%, the oppressor has shaped our environment. And so they have created the conditions for this seed to grow this fantasy. So it might feel authentically yours. Oh, and just take a deep breath here.
You've inherited it from the oppressor. So to sit with, however and I'm like, laughing and sort of growing, sitting with it is the door to liberation. So take as much time you need with that one. Yeah. I mean, even mainstream media, I think it's more and more obvious at this point that it's only controlled by literally the 1%.
They make an illusion to make it appear as if it were owned by a diversity of people. But, you know, it's a pyramid structure. So there's people at the very, very top of the pyramid who are pulling the strings, and it's really just controlled by 1%. There's a documentary. It's called Into the Shadows, The CIA and Hollywood. I recommend talks about well, it really just shows evidence that the CIA funds pro-cop and pro-war propaganda. And this is just a sliver of an example of how the oppressor shapes the conditions in our environment that has really watered the seed that the oppressor has planted in our minds.
And so specifically, you know, why are we romanticizing codependent romance? Like, how does that uphold capitalism and imperialism? Well, let's begin by defining codependency.
You know, you could Google codependency. You probably get a bunch of different answers. For the sake of our purposes here, I'm going to define codependency this way, not being able to function without another person in meshing your sense of self with another person taking on the identity as a couple. Not a descriptor, but an identity. Your other half quote unquote. So I mean, really, that's just individualism times two. You're expanding your sense of self to include you in one other person and then co-dependency expecting them. The one other person you team up with to meet all or most of your wants and your needs.
Particularly you know that the village used to once meet.
So I want to highlight that codependency actually goes against our survival. It directly threatens our well-being.
It may not seem obvious at first because this has been normalized by the Empire,
but, you know, humans are social animals. And I say animals very intentionally. Humans belong in the animal kingdom. Human beings are animals. I think we forget that really often because the human supremacy.
But anyways, the only reason we have survived and really thrived for this long on Earth is because we have been connected with each other and we have supported each other.
Nobody survives and thrives in isolation. It's as simple as that.
So when we are engaging in pro-social behaviors, it indicates safety to our nervous system because, I mean, we're designed for interdependency. We are not designed for codependency.
Codependency is an anti-social behavior, and it threatens our safety. It isolates us.
And so really, this goes against our human nature. And it's kind of similar to war. You know, like people think that war is a natural part of being human. And people think that codependent romance is a natural part of being human, especially if you grew up in the empire, whether that's the U.S. empire or, you know, really just like the remnants of the British Empire and all the propaganda they have spread around the globe.
But, you know, war is not part of human nature. It's very against human nature, because obviously, I think it's obvious to say war directly threatens our survival. It is not keeping us safe. It is making us more vulnerable. It's risking our safety. So similarly, when we are codependent and we are isolating ourselves, we are vulnerable. And the more that we can diversify our safety alliances when we're not just depending on one person for the majority of our needs, we are more resilient and we can live from a place of abundance rather than making decisions from a place of fear in scarcity. Scarcity meaning not enough ness or a lack.
So the 1% the ruling class has observed our human nature and they said, Oh, okay, so you have a desire to love and be loved and you have a desire for fulfilling relationships because that's the way we're designed. The sinister thing is the ruling class will say, Oh, well, I can tell you how to meet these desires. Let's look at codependent romance. Let's reinforce it in the media and just all around everywhere, even in the laws. I won't go into this right now, But, you know, historically, housing laws, you know, it's just all social constructs. But they have forced us to couple up into these tiny teams of two. Whereas, you know, human beings are designed to be tribal species. We are designed to live in villages.
So the master sells us their idea of how we can achieve our human needs to love and to be loved. And of course, of course, of course they do this to their benefit at our expense. Because the master it's a trauma response, but they feel safe when they're dominating and when they are controlling. So, like, maybe some are well-intentioned, but I think most are just traumatized. They're just seeking safety themself. And the only way they can feel safe is if they are literally the ruling class or if they're the 1%. So they convince us to achieve our dream of having loving, fulfilling connections in a way that actually keeps us dominated, keeps us at the bottom and them at the top.
This is really similar to greenwashing or rainbow capitalism, where the ruling class is selling us an idea of what we want without the actual substance. They're just selling us an illusion so they can benefit at our expense. But in the meanwhile, we feel like it's an authentic choice that we're making.
Ha.
Deep breaths recommended throughout this podcast. This is some deep stuff. Oh, goodness.
Ha.
Yeah. So if you don't know what greenwashing is or rainbow capitalism, I will briefly describe rainbow capitalism. They give the illusion that they support LGBTQ people by slapping a rainbow sticker on their logo for a month. And what I mean is the corporations, these big giant mega corporations. But in the meanwhile, their systemic actions, the way that their business is structured, and particularly the way that they literally fund anti LGBTQ legislation, obviously, you know, it's like your actions speak louder than your words. So they're just selling us the illusion of allyship because that's what people desire. They feel good when they're supporting people who support people. But in reality, it's just a facade.
And it's the same with greenwashing. These big, fast fashion companies are really just any company that's destroying the planet in order to make profits. They're not actually changing their business model so that they can operate within reciprocity with Earth instead of extraction. Really. They just, you know, let's take H&M as an example. Instead of changing their business model, they'll just sell you a T-shirt, like a one time limited edition, 100% organic. And look, we care about the Earth. But in the meanwhile, all their extractive and exploitative labor practices are still continuing in the background. So it's just the way to keep us hooked on what they're selling without them actually following through with the idea that they're selling us.
So let's deepen a little bit about how co-dependent romance upholds capitalism.
So capitalism sustains itself when we live in isolation.
Because, you know, once upon a time we were living in these larger alliances, whether it's tribe or village. But there is this general understanding that well-being is collective. If your neighbor is starving, then how safe do you feel? Right? Like when everybody is at the very least resourced in their survival needs, then your survival is not threatened because people have no incentive to steal or what have you.
So once upon a time, human beings in our true nature, we were collaborating with each other to meet our needs. So, you know, if you're living in a village, maybe you go and see the witchdoctor. When I say witch doctor, I really just mean like a herbalist. Like someone who can provide healing from what is accessible from the earth, what is accessible through energy, work, etc. You don't have to go to a big hospital to get taken care of.
Once upon a time human beings would feed themselves and they would build their own houses. And we would help each other in that process. So there used to be a space called the commons, and this space was public land where the people literally fed themselves from. And so their basic needs were met. And back in feudalism, you know, the kings and the queens and the royalty, the ruling class at that time, they were demanding the fruits of the labor of the peasants, I suppose you could say, without actually putting in any work themselves. So they weren't necessarily taking away their resources from the peasants, but they were just demanding them to produce more than what they needed so that they could benefit for free. That's one form of an extractive relationship nowadays.
Well, with the onset of capitalism. What they did was that they hired people, these kings and queens and these rulers, to create the invention of private property. So they basically just put a fence around the common space, the common space that people once lived off of. They survived off of through food and medicine. And they said, no, you can't access this anymore. This is private property. And so what it did is it forced people to relocate to where they could access their survival needs. And conveniently, you know, people had to leave their houses and they had to pay to live in housing and they had to exchange their labor for an hourly wage and part of their hourly wage had to pay for their housing. So from the get go, you have to pay for these survival needs food and housing that once were available at no cost. Not to say that there's no energy exchange involved, but there wasn't any money exchanged necessarily.
So now that we have been coerced to live in these dense populated areas so that we can sell our labor for food and shelter, we now have all of these gaps, missing gaps in our needs and our wants that the village wants provided. And of course, how do we fill those gaps now? It's with money.
nd money isn’t like a bad thing. We don't need to, like, eliminate it or something, although I'm open to that. Like, I don't mind personally, but, you know, money simply represents energy. It's as simple as that. That's why it's called the currency. It's a current of energy. So you know, there's many ways to have energetic exchanges. Money simply symbolizes the energy that's being exchanged.
So the problem with capitalism for us, the working class, the majority, the 99%, is that nearly anything and everything that we want or need has been monetized.
And the way that capitalism is structured, the same pyramid scheme as the king and queen paradigm, where two or one people sit at the top of the pyramid structure and they don't do anything, but they benefit from the work that everybody else is doing and in doing so, they require people who are generating energy that sustains life. They require them to work more than what they actually need so as to support the people who aren't working at all.
And so with this capitalist pyramid structure, when we are monetizing our exchanges, the ruling class profits off of every single exchange that are monetized well, nearly almost every exchange that is monetized, assuming that you don't work for yourself, like selling your direct services to someone
or your goods, or you don't work for a co-op where it's actually like democratically run and it's not the pyramid structure, but for the most part, if you reflect on your working relationship or even a historical relationship that you had with a job or a career or something, there is usually somebody who's sitting on top of the throne, whether it's the owner or the CEO or the board or what have you, who is taking a big cut of what the collective is producing.
And so they're kind of like leeches, really. They're just extracting our life force energy from us, and they're demanding that we work way more than necessary so that they can accumulate the surplus of our labor while we are left with a fraction of what we produce. And the 40 hour workweek is a literal joke. Like, my goodness, we do not need to work that often to survive.
So of course, when we isolate ourselves in these big houses and it's funny because like usually the yard work alone, like people cannot keep up with on their own. And I've lived in a house like five people and it was still hard to keep up with the yard work, you know what I mean? So when you only have two people, it's hard to keep up with yard work. It's hard to keep up with the maintenance of a house in general, whether it's repairs or just cleaning or, you know, anything. Just living. And the when you throw kids on top of that, oh my goodness, we are really under-resourced when we are isolating ourselves this way.
And you know, when we are under-resourced, it is keeping us trapped in survival mode. It is creating this unequal power dynamic where we are so unwilling to let our kids starve or be unhoused that we say yes to things that maybe we would say no to if we had all of our survival needs met. Like, have you ever been at work and you needed to say no to something or you needed to slow down the pace or, you know, just take care of yourself in any way? But you were afraid to because you were afraid you might lose your job.
When we isolate ourselves in these housing structures that have us teaming up in two pairs of two, it really reinforces this unequal paradigm, this unequal power dynamic where we have to suppress our truth, we have to suppress our needs and our authenticity in order to get our survival needs met in order to get that paycheck so we can pay for our food and our housing, our medicine and whatever else we desire.
So of course, it benefits the oppressor when we isolate ourselves because it upholds this capitalist pyramid scheme. It gives us way less negotiating power and it keeps us in the bottom of an unequal power dynamic.
And so how does co-dependent romance uphold imperialism by funding genocide and war?
Well, I wonder if it's clear to you at this point, but I'll say it this way tax money fuels the war machine. And yes, taxes serve a purpose on the local level. However, on the federal level, they are just slurping up all of our monetized exchanges. They're taking a cut and they're putting our money to use in ways that we do not consent to. Of course, it's at the benefit of the 1% and really the expense of the 99%, including Earth herself.
So it's not that the government is inherently bad. The thing that is causing harm to our beloved relationships, to ourselves and to life on Earth is this pyramid structure. Because when the government is operated within an imperialist paradigm, it's replicating that same pyramid structure that capitalism upholds.
So the people at the bottom send their money up to the top, to the federal government, and then the federal government makes decisions on our behalf, quote unquote. But really, we don't have consent. This has been a big theater, a big act for a good long while, since the inception of the United States Empire.
And, you know, the 2020s, my goodness, the village is being lifted left and right. So I think it's becoming more and more clear that this is all just a big charade. Like, we don't actually have a say. It's just an illusion. So, you know, community safety does not come from the government within an imperialist paradigm. Community safety comes from the community.
Community safety happens at a local level. It's not going to happen from daddy. And by daddy, I mean Mister Government. Like our ability to take care of one another and inter tribal alliances is a real safety. If you imagine intersecting Venn diagrams, it's not triangular, it's circular. So if you think of your social relationships as an ecosystem, maybe there's people in your inner orbit, there's people in your outer orbit. Maybe the shape of the orbits look a little different depending on how frequently you relate to one another or you're in contact. But as long as it's consistent, there is an orbit, you know what I mean?
So safety does not happen in a little bubble between two people. Safety takes place at the intersecting Venn diagrams of the social ecosystem.
You help me, I help you. We help the community. The community helps us. And we all help each other. Because when one of us thrives, we all thrive. If one of us is threatened, we are all threatened. It's really as simple as that. It's just basic. Like human survival. 101. We just forget it because we've been indoctrinated into the oppressors. Imperialist fantasy.
A reminder to breathe.
So when we are living in isolation, this is totally a social construct. And the oppressor is manufac nurturing scarcity. They are manufacturing vulnerability because the law of the universe is abundance.
But, you know, if it is in the one person's best interest to create the conditions for scarcity so that they can continue oppressing us and exploiting our life force energy for their benefit, then they are going to sell us the fantasy of co-dependent romance as a way to keep this scarcity alive. And they're going to convince us that it was our idea. So that we feel committed to it. But as long as we're living under the conditions of scarcity, as long as we are under-resourced, then we are stuck in a survival response. Because the only time scarcity is real is when your life is directly being threatened. Because Earth, I mean, she provides. Okay. Like, who are we but not creatures of earth like we are. One earth is one organism and we are part of that organism. We are all interconnected, whether we realize it or not.
So the only time that scarcity is real is if there is war, if somebody is threatening your life, or if there is famine or some sort of survival threat, you know? And similarly, that's the only time when urgency is real, too. Otherwise, scarcity and urgency, they're both social, social constructs and they both keep us stuck in survival mode. This whole working of 40 hour workweek (LOL) so we can afford our very expensive, isolated lifestyle is really keeping us stuck in survival mode. It's keeping us within a sustained state of urgency, even when we're off the clock, because it simply does not give us enough time to live our lives. It's as simple as that. And when we are stuck in a scarcity paradigm, our focus is so narrow. Our focus is stuck on meeting our material needs for food and housing and medicine and whatever you need to survive.
And so I know I've mentioned kings and queens, but I do just want to reinforce this idea that we are living in the fantasy of like the king and the queen, you know, and of course, the king and queen lifestyle is incredibly expensive. Not everybody can access that. Not unless they're exploiting people below them. And so somehow the oppressor has tricked us into fantasizing and romanticizing this lifestyle of queens and queens. Like, it's so funny. But, you know, while we attempt to live that king and queen lifestyle, we're suffering in the process because it's really not accessible to us. And you might think, oh, I'll work my way up there. I'll work my way up the pyramid. But as long as we're reaching for success or reaching for safety within a pyramid structure, it doesn't create space for everyone to access that safety. There's always going to be more people at the bottom than at the top because that is the shape of a pyramid.
So I want to give you an example of really resilient social structures. So when I was living off grid in the desert in Arizona, it sounds like like who in their right mind would do that? You know? But, you know, I had reasons. You know, I wanted to learn how to live on the land. And boy, did I learn. But anyways, there is an invasive grass, Bermuda grass. It was not from Arizona, the kings and the queens used grass lawns as a status symbol. Because back in the day, like I'm saying, everybody used to eat from the land. Like the land is how we nourish our bodies. But the kings and the queens, you know, they could afford to hire people to trim their grasslands. They can afford to have all the space that wasn't being used for anything productive. So they were just flaunting their status, flaunting their accumulation of wealth.
And so anyways, and the desert grass does not belong here. It directly threatens the safety of everybody living here in Arizona because wildfires, you know, that shit's going to catch on fire after it dries up after the the wet months. So but in the context of this collective where I was living at the time, we had a garden and there was just so much Bermuda grass growing into the garden. And the thing about the grass is that it drinks up all the water. It steals the water from the plants that would nourish our bodies, all the carrots and the arugula and, you know, etc., all the vegetables that we're eating. Um, but we can't eat grass. Like, what are we gonna do with grass? We have no use for it.
So and the thing about the Bermuda grass is it grows so quickly and so resiliently. So you really have to dig it up by the roots because it has vertical root systems where it's not vertical, horizontal. So Bermuda grass has horizontal root systems. So it's so resilient. It grows so easily and even if you own roots, let's say 80% of all the Bermuda grass, it's going to grow back in a second like so quickly because it has such a resilient structure, horizontal root systems, that is how humans are designed as well. That is the shape of interdependence. We are so resilient when we are sharing our resources in ways that are horizontal and not vertical like kings and queens. We're simply not kings and queens. Let's stop aspiring to be kings and queens because we are aspiring to exploitation. And you know, that's just part of the old paradigm that is not the future.
So when we're stuck in this fantasy of living in this pyramid scheme, finding success, success through the pyramid scheme, it is so heartbreaking because we do love each other. We love each other so much. And when we're stuck in these exploitation patterns, we're just witnessing each other suffer and struggle to survive. It's really painful and it's totally optional. We don't have to do this. In fact, this is not happening in the future. So I'm inviting you to bring the future a little bit closer to the present. Today by actively participate in shaping the change that we need to live in abundance. It's very possible.
So in the future, relationships are not seen as simply safety alliances or survival alliances, if you will like. Yes, they will also be that because that is how we are designed as human beings. We keep each other safe. We help each other thrive. But relationships are so much more than just survival because humans are here to experience life on Earth, not just to survive.
The soul comes into a human body, to have a human experience at Earth School. Earth is such a unique planet in that there's so many different emotions and energies that exist here. Like if you go to a different planet, you're not going to get the wide range of experience that can happen at Earth. So really, the soul, you know, is looking for growth. It's looking to learn and to grow. And so the soul says, okay, I'll come to Earth. That seems like a fruitful place to learn. There's so much happening there, such a wide range of experiences. So it's really just sad when. The soul comes here, incarnates into a human body, and then is stuck in survival mode. They're not doing what they came here to do.
So in the future, relationships are not just safety alliances, but they are a place of nurturance. Relationships, nurture, spiritual growth.
Relationships are a safe space to express ourselves emotionally. All this beautiful human emotions and not to get confused with disrespecting people. I think a lot of people within the imperialist paradigm understand authenticity to mean harm or disrespect or something like that, but that's not part of our human nature. You got to remember, like when we're living in abundance, when all of our survival needs are met and more, you know, we're not traumatized. We're not stuck in this like, scarcity trauma response. And so we can express our ourselves from a place of abundance, and we can express ourselves creatively.
Creative expression is spiritual expression, you know, being in the flow that is like channeling spirit, you know. So, I mean, that's really why we're here. We're here to experience all these senses, all these sensations, and we're here to live in abundance because abundance is the law of the universe. When we're stuck in social constructs that recreate the conditions scarcity every day. We're living inside of a trauma response, and we don't have to live in that kind of world. We don't have to retraumatize ourselves every day just to exist on earth. That is totally optional.
So let's talk about how to embody the future today, how to bring it closer for yourself and for the collective.
Because, you know, remembering the Bermuda grass analogy, like you may not realize it within this imperialist fog, the way that imperialism has interfered with, the way that we relate to ourselves and one another in the way that we understand ourselves. But you and your existence and how you use your energy, the quality of your energy, it directly affects those around you. And it is contagious. When you embody a future that is rooted in abundance, people can't help but be curious about it, but kind of gravitate towards that and be inspired by that. So let's talk about how to inspire others while also enhancing your safety and also the quality of your life or just living in abundance over here.
So let's start with this idea.
What if you didn't have to buy your way to freedom?
What if you didn't have to chase the American dream on this endless hamster wheel of capitalism?
So many people I know, they say, “Well, I grew up in poverty, so I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to sacrifice all my free time. I'm going to sacrifice these desires I have so I can put my head down and just make a shit ton of money so I'll never be worried about my safety ever again”.
But you know what? If freedom didn't require hard work and suffering, what if it was available with ease? And what if it wasn't something you had to wait for? What if freedom were accessible to day?
So I invite you to notice, especially if you grew up with financial trauma, if you grew up with poverty or instability, just notice what ways might you be overcompensating for the past? Right now, in this moment. Because if you are sacrificing your needs or your higher desires for safety, then you are living in the old paradigm and you're really living in that past trauma response.
So how can you live in the present moment? How much money would it take to know that you're safe right now? Because if money is the end goal, I mean, there's no cap to how much money you can make or, you know, accumulate. So just having that idea of like, okay, how much money would it take to know that I'm safe, that can help you set a boundary so you're not stuck on that endless hamster wheel.
And what are the things that money buys that brings you safety?
Because more likely than not, there are ways to achieve what you're trying to buy. Without money, you can access those things in creative ways. I'll give you some examples. Abundance.
Mutual aid. So mutual aid is safety. Right now, mutual aid. Is the community taking care of the community? Not asking Mister Daddy government to take care of us for us like we take care of us. Mutual aid.
So like I said, isolation is expensive. Mutual aid is a way to resource ourselves without enslaving ourselves in a pyramid scheme. Mutual aid is about direct exchanges. There are no leeches. There are no parasites who are sucking the surplus from our energetic exchange.
So there are so many examples of what mutual aid looks like. I'm going to name a few. Just based on my lived experience. But know that this is not an exhaustive list.
So one example is fundraising. Or really, y could just think of it as like giving gifts. Financial gifts. So within my social ecosystem, most or actually I would say pretty much like 98% of the money exchanges that I have. As far as gift giving, it does not happen with my biological family. The only person who sends me money from my biological family is my grandma. She sends me money for my birthday every year. It's so sweet, but I don't have like, ancestral wealth. I don't have an inheritance, you know? So my safety is not tied up in my vertical root systems of the biological family. It's rooted in the community directly. So, for example, I had trouble paying the housing deposit to get into my apartment. I was $400 short, something about around there.
And I was pretty distressed. I was nervous that I was going to be houseless because it was really hard for me to find someone that would rent to me with the credit score that I have because of capitalism. And I never thought I'd be living on my own, quite frankly. But regardless, here I am living in this apartment for the meanwhile, and I just needed help getting in there. So I just reached out to people who I know to the ecosystem and I said, this is the need I have. Whatever you're able to contribute, please help. And literally within 2 hours, I raised more money than what I needed. And I even told someone I was like, Oh, my need is met, but thank you. And they said, No, keep it. I love you. And I was like, Oh, damn, I love you, too. Okay.
So, you know, within the Empire and the codependent romance, it's normalized that we only share money with people we're having sex with, with people that we're romantic with or people who are biologically related with taking us back to that vertical root system. The whole pyramid shaped king and queen structure.
So, you know, I'll give you some more examples of what financial gifts look like because it's really not a tit for tat. It's like, Oh, you owe me this. It's like you give it without expectation.
And without this idea that somebody is submissive to you because you paid them money, that's more of that war culture that we're moving away from. So another example is my friend enrolled in herbalism school and they were just asking for help with tuition. So I sent him a hundred bucks and I said, Here you. Like, what a beautiful dream and what a beautiful investment directly into the community. If we have a herbalist in our community, we are also much healthier. So, of course, I feel enthusiastic about contributing to that, especially when they have contributed in the past to helping me have housing security. So, you know, my heart does feel so full and exchanges like that.
One of my beloveds went on a trip recently and their income is really reduced right now. Really just because capitalism disrespecting emotional labor and not paying what it's worth. So they're kind of in a financially vulnerable place, but they wanted to go visit family for a very special occasion. You know, And I'm like, Yeah, definitely you should do that. So here's some money. Other common ways to resource share is, you know, if people are raising money for surgery or well, at least in the United States where we don't have health care guaranteed to us. So surgery or medicine or maybe if there's like a big unexpected expense, like maybe your dog got bit by a snake and you need to take them to the vet and it's like thousands of dollars, but you don't want your dog to die. So you're like, Hey, who can help me save my dog's life? You know what I mean? So little things like that, we can all show up for each other and it's not so tit for tat. It's not like I paid you a hundred bucks. So I need you to pay me a hundred bucks in the future. It's just about where desire meets capacity. Like what ability do you have to give and how much are you able to give? And then, of course, how much do you want to give? It's always consensual.
But, you know, if you look at the root systems in a horizontal way, just like that Bermuda grass, I imagine, like little lights of energy going, few people, if you give you like shooting back and forth, spreading throughout the ecosystem, it's like, okay, this person gives this person here and we just keep paying it forward and we're all living in abundance. It's not like if you imagine those two trees, Have you ever seen two trees that are kind of growing as one tree? They're kind of stuck together. Their trunk is the same, but then at the top, they start diverging. Those root systems are very vulnerable. Like, yeah, it's cute and stuff and it looks cool. But if one of the tree is unwell than the other tree gets taken down with it. So talk about a vertical root system exchange.
Another example of mutual aid is barter. So barter can look so many different ways. It could be an exchange of services. It could be an exchange of items, whether it's like chicken eggs from your backyard or like some jewelry that you made.
It's always emergent. You can't really plan it out. It's just like whatever makes sense in that moment and it's always reciprocal. So each person gets to decide, does this feel reciprocal and not extractive?
So some examples of that are, um, massage trade. So I'm part of like a texting group of local queer people who are not necessarily professional misuses, but we enjoy giving and receiving massages. So you know, someone I'll just post on the group chat. Hey, is someone available to give me a massage next weekend and someone to volunteer? And it's not necessarily expected that you're going to directly reciprocate to that person, although you could, if that makes sense, if that is emergent. But you know, you just pay it forward later on. It's like you message in the chat when you're available. So maybe it's like a month from now and you're like, Hey, who wants a massage? I'm free on Wednesday at 2 p.m. or whatever, you know.
Another example is a food bank. So, you know, capitalism does not have a production problem, it has a distribution problem. So when people are volunteering their time to organize food banks, what they're doing is they're using their life force energy and their time to organize all the excess food that otherwise would go into the dumpster where that wouldn't be on the market for whatever reason, whether it's valid or it's silly, and they just redistribute it to the community. Abundance. You don't pay anything for you. You just show up and you receive free food. And for me, like I go every Saturday to the food bank and I bring my dog with me every time. So it's a nice sense of community. People are always excited to see my doggie and they know me there. It's really nice. It's a sweet way to connect, giving and receiving.
Another example is a Skillshare, so it's like, Hey, you teach me how to weld and I'll teach you how to sew or whatever. You know, you teach me how to code and I'll teach you how to do your taxes or whatever, like good, like a lot of different ways. And then, of course, the community garden is a beautiful example of mutual aid because it's bringing us back to the commons. We didn't have to pay for food in the first place and in not having to pay for food, we are directly in relationship with Earth. That's how we are designed. Be not separate, but one big organism.
The next action you can take to embody a future rooted in abundance is to divest your heart from the imperialist fantasy of codependent romance by redefining your idea of success.
So, you know, in the Empire, success is understood to be having a high social class, having a lot of money, hoarding resources, living in isolation, identifying with your job, being in fierce competition in order to achieve success. But, you know, that's what the empire says. That's what war culture says. So you are not the empire. You are not committed to war and genocide on Earth.
So what does success mean to you? Like really you, not other people. If success weren't attached to external achievements or outcomes, what qualities would you want to be present in your day to day experience? Imagine this if you were able to meet all of your survival needs by working just 15 hours a week. How would you spend the rest of your time? Who would you be with? What would you be doing? And what qualities would you want to be present? Maybe some ease, some joy, Connection, play silliness, some levity. Maybe some generosity.
Authenticity. Love. Creativity. Adventure. I mean, the list goes on and on and on. So take some time to really check in with yourself. Like what is important to you? What does life on Earth mean to you? If it's not, dedicate yourself to working and being in a sense of urgency and hoarding and isolation. What is life? What is important?
And I'll say this to the more that you're able to identify your values, these qualities that I'm speaking of, like what things would you want to exist in your day to day experience if you had the choice?
The more that you're able to embody your values, the higher your competence, the more your self-esteem grows. And when you have more confidence, you're able to validate yourself internally. You're not thirsty for that external validation. You're not trying to fill a hole inside of you, but you are complete. And when you're not craving that external validation, you are way less likely to succumb to the oppressors. Fantasy.
Freedom is not something you buy. Freedom is living out your own dreams.
The next thing I'm going to offer you is to grieve. Grieve? This scarcity fantasies that you got fed as a child. Because to grieve is to let go. It is to clear out space so that you can invite in something new, something intentional, not something that you unconsciously inherited from the environment.
To grieve is to respect yourself. It is to honor your experience. Because if you give a fuck about your experience, if you really didn't care, then there be nothing to grieve. You just move on and that's that. But when you're able to slow down and feel the grief, it's like, Damn, I can't believe I was deceived as a child. Like, I was so vulnerable back then. Really messed up. The more you can tap into that and just be with what is, the more you can move through it. So you can actually move through the portal of grief into a paradigm shift.
Grief is an expression of love. Love yourself. Take the time to respect your experience and grieve the old fantasies that you're letting go of.
Now lets start imagining what freedom and fulfillment could be possible by parenting on bigger teams. So we're not going to talk too much about parenting right here. This is a whole other episode, maybe even multiple episodes. There's a lot to say about parenting on teams of two, but for now, I just want to plant a seed of possibility. If you're open to receiving.
What if you didn't have to have biological offspring to feel that sense of fulfillment that comes from loving and mentoring a young being?
What if?
So It's not to say that you're not allowed to have young ones in your life, but what if you could access that same sense of love and connection and fulfillment from someone who is not your biological child?
What if we were parenting on bigger teams? What if? What possibilities might that create?
Next, let's imagine living in abundance. Let's imagine living in a community, not in isolation. So there's like so many examples of what this could look like, either to name a few, but this is not a complete list. Please use your imagination. Your imagination is the most revolutionary thing that I know, so please engage it.
So imagine sharing household labor. Imagine there's like five or ten people who you're sharing labor with. So I'm talking about yard work, talking about cleaning, and I'm talking about consensually deciding who does what in the house because patriarchy fits under that umbrella of imperialism. It's another dominator relationship dynamic where men dominate women. It's assumed that women are subservient in the household, that they raise the children and they do all the housework while the men go out and make the money.
More on this later. I won't go too deep into patriarchy right now, but, you know, if we're not unconsciously replicating our patriarchal programming where we're teaming up into teams of two, there's a a man and a wife, and the wife is doing all of the labor in the house and the dude is just like, not or even in these like quote unquote feminist relationships, these like woke relationships. The guy will think he's doing a like reciprocal amount of like, of labor. He'll think he's doing like 50% of the labor. But because of that unconscious patriarchal programming, you know, it's like maybe he's only doing 15% of the labor, but because it's more than zero, he feels like he's like giving more than he wants in the first place. And so he's like, I'm doing so much, you know.
And it's like out of mal intention. I don't mean to shame anybody. This is just a common patriarchal dynamic that happens. So the cool thing about having teams of five or ten or even more, depending on your space is that, you know, that whole patriarchal programming, that mode where there's only two people and the expectation is that one of them is to do the majority of the Labor. 5 to 10 people just don't fit into that mold, you know? So you have to decide together like who's going to do what.
So I've lived in many different communal housing situations, like very intentional community housing, not because we couldn't afford it or it was like a failure or something. It was because we had a desire to live in community. So in one of the houses I lived in, we had a chair rotation, so we would all take turns doing different chores because like, you know, nobody likes to clean the bathroom, so let's all take turns doing it, you know? And then there's like 5 to 10 people in a house, you know? And if you're doing, let's say one cleaning day a month where you're cleaning the bathrooms, then you only got to clean the bathrooms once every ten months. It's not that bad. You know, or, you know, sometimes there could be set roles.
So somebody is like trash daddy, you know, like who's taking out the trash? Like, all time. Um, and one of the houses I lived in, we each basically got to decide, like, what is the chore that brings us the most joy or if not joy, what is the one that we dread the least? Like, what are the things that need to get done? So we all consented to order the rolls that we play. What choice do we keep consistently?
And what I noticed was that I was the one who is most consistently filling up the tea kettle. We always had a tea kettle on the kitchen counter and everybody was drinking tea all the time. So we all used the hot water. And I was just the habit, almost like a reflex or just keeping it full all throughout the day and all throughout the week. And so in one of our house meetings I just named this, I was like, Hey, this wasn't one of my set rules, but I just want you to know that I am the little tea fairy that keeps, like, magically filling it up to full. And one of my housemates was like, “Oh, I noticed that! I was wondering who was doing that.”
So, you know, it was cool just to have the space to name something that was already happening just so I could receive that appreciation for it and not feel a sense of resentment towards other people. And then I actually added that to the whiteboard that was in the collective space that had all of our roles. And I named it Waterboy. So it's just a way to feel seen and appreciated in my contributions.
But it really can be that useful. That's what I'm trying to get at. It can even be playful and silly if you want it to be.
So let's imagine other possibilities. Maybe you don't necessarily all have to share one house. I mean, that certainly could happen. It is evil in its own way. But what if what if you could take a whole entire neighborhood block in a city or in an urban or a dense area? And what if you took down all the fences and now everybody's backyard became one big yard and it was actually just a big common space? Hey, wouldn't that be cool?
What if there was, like, a big garden in the center of the common space where the community, whoever had desire and the space to do it, would take care of the garden. And maybe that could be a point of connection, too. And then, of course, you can feed your neighbors.
Ooh. And what if there's like a potluck, you know, you're not worried about expenses because you just grab from the garden and then you create food for the whole community and then you all hang out in this big yard space together. And what if there is, like, a bunch of fruit trees in the yard and people could just hang out there and then grab a grapefruit off the tree or grab an apple off the tree and just hang out and eat and snack. And what if there's like a bonfire set up out there and people can meet and sing songs under the full moon and be in ritual together?
And what if there's all this space for, like, dogs to run around and like kids to run around? And, you know, if you're all sharing a backyard, there's like, let's say ten houses and sharing one big space. I mean, is it really even a yard at that point or is it just like, you know, all these trees and birds and like little pathways to walk through, kind of like living in a forest almost, but not so wild to where you're fearing for like wolves or something? Like there's no wolves going to eat your children that way or just dreaming possibilities. Ooh, wouldn't that be cool, though?
Or what if you lived in an apartment complex by yourself? But everybody was sharing resources within that apartment complex, so maybe there's potlucks that happen outside or like, picnics and y'all can hang out and have a good time. Or what if, like, you go out of town and then you just ask all of your neighbors to cat sit for you while you're gone and then, you know, whatever barter feels reciprocal, maybe you offer them a therapy session afterwards, if that's your thing, or a massage or whatever. Or maybe you cat-sit for them while they're out of town. It can really be that easeful. It could look many different ways.
So the cool thing about these imaginings is that, you know, in the old paradigm in the past, imperialism has shaped the world to where it is actually illegal to be in public spaces if you're not paying money. Like if you ever see those no loitering signs or the no soliciting signs, they make it illegal to exist without purchasing things. The only exception to this is Parks and libraries.
So imagine if we had more public spaces that we didn't have to pay to exist on, and these public spaces could even nurture our needs so we don't have to fragment our sense of self into our work self and our at home self. Like we, could just integrate our lives into this very useful, flowy design to where we don't have to like work 40 hours a week to meet our needs. You know, let's eat from the garden. Let's build each other houses. Let's take turns making each other houses so we don't have to pay rent to our Lords, our landlords. Like what a term that's so wild. Like, talk about the past. We have a it's like, what is this, like 2024? What the hell?
What are landlords doing around still?
And what if we didn't have to work 40 hours a week? And so we didn't feel that sense of urgency and just sense of exhaustion outside of work, you know, like what if making social plans wasn't labor, but it just flowed easily and it was integrated into our lives, whether It's through the bonfires or the gardening or sharing meals or having some game nights, you know, whether it's in your house or in a community space where you don't have to pay for it.
Imagine a world where touch is available abundantly, where it's not necessarily associated with sex or romance, but, you know, it's just part of this pro-social culture that is rooted in abundance. It's one of those little things, whether it's like a hug in the morning or like a little cuddle puddle if you don't want to cuddle puddle is just like multiple people snuggling all at once. It's really delightful.
So, I mean, those could be everyday experiences. You don't have to feel isolated or alone if your partner is out of town or even if you're not dating anyone. If you're not sexual or romantic with anyone, these needs can be met abundantly.
Okay, so I can already hear you saying But. But I've tried living communally and I hated it. There is all this conflict and I didn't know how to navigate it. And it was awful. Or maybe other people didn't have the social skills. Or maybe you didn't have the social skills in order to actually live with ease and community.
So the last action item I'm going to give you, if you want to start living in abundance today and shaping the future to be rooted in peace and abundance, then start learning social skills. And I don't mean that to shame you or to guilt you. But what I mean is that the empire has really created a cultural deficit of social skills because living in isolation, we're not incentivized to learn the social skills and the way that we interact with our family in private or with our romantic partners and private. More often than not, we'd probably feel embarrassed to interact in that way, like either in public or with other people, because we simply don't have the social skills to be loving and caring and respectful.
It doesn't mean that you don't love the other person. It just means how do you really show and express love? How do you embody love through the ways that you relate? And for that it does require skills. So, you know, there's a reason you didn't learn this in school. The empires, schooling conditions you to be obedient and robotic so that you can be exploited by the ruling class. And so in this way, social skills are revolutionary because if you don't have social skills, you're not really going to enjoy relating to other people, which of course is a trauma response because we are safe when we are pro-social, when we are interdependent.
And of course, when you're living with somebody, whether it's sharing a backyard or sharing a house or even sharing a room or something like that, it is such a deep form of emotional intimacy because you know, you're going to get triggered, you're going to be witness, then your triggers, you're going to witness others. And they're triggers like, you know, um, and there are going to be misalignments because humans are unique, special, magical creatures. And we all have different preferences and desires and we all meet our needs in different ways. So misalignments is just part of human nature.
So navigating conflict, making housing agreements, all these different things, it's all part of living in community together. And if you don't have the skills to do those things, it's going to make it feel really laborious and it's not going to make it so enjoyable. So when you are avoiding people because you're afraid of conflict, this is part of your oppression. Because remember, when we are social, we are safe. So the reason you're afraid of conflict is because you don't have the skills to navigate it. And avoiding people goes against our nature and being conditioned to go against our nature. It's really a form of oppression.
So the whole divide and conquer strategy that imperialism uses. So what you can do today to start in those gaps is, you know, start researching like what are some workshops I could go to where maybe I can learn how to navigate conflict? What are resources that could help me learn how to regulate my nervous system so that I don't get stuck on my triggers, but rather I can notice my automatic reaction and respond with intention, with care and compassion, because that is a practice, a revolutionary one. And, you know, I would also recommend looking into nonviolent communication. I find that framework to be really helpful because the framework itself is just a way of communicating that helps you feel like you're on the same team even when there are misalignments. And that in itself is really revolutionary because imperialism wants us to compete against each other.
That's all for today. Thanks for being here. If you have any questions about today's episode, you can reach out to Abundant Futures. Eight, eight, eight at gmail.com. You can also check out my website Abundant Futures dot net to see my other offerings. I do provide one on one guidance. I facilitate workshops and I also write a blog. And if you want to spread the seed of change and hope and inspiration, consider sharing this with a friend. Peace be with you.
