Why People-Pleasing is So Common (and How Boundaries Deepen Trust)
Chapters:
People-Pleasing as a Survival Response
What a Boundary Really Is (Not a Rule or Barrier)
The Five Core People-Pleasing Narratives
How People-Pleasing Damages Trust and Desire
Why Boundaries Create Safety and Connection
The Risk of Authenticity and Fear of Rejection
How to Begin Healing People-Pleasing Patterns
I'm back. I took a really nice long winter break and I wasn't actually anticipating that. I did block off two weeks from my calendar because I, you know, for me it's like part of my spiritual practice to live with the rhythms of earth, to live with the rhythms of life because certainly capitalism doesn't create a lot of space for that. It wants this like linear, consistent productivity regardless of what the sun and the moon are doing. And so for me, it's like this sacred sabbatical that I can deeply rest, particularly during the winter solstice when it is the quietest, calmest part of the year. It's very unnatural to be working a nine to five during the winter solstice. It's just, it's not ancestral, you know. So I was planning to take some time off, which is a huge privilege. privilege and luxury I am like deeply grateful for because I have not always had that in my life. So I'm just soaking it up. Man, it was so deeply restful and so good that it was hard to come out of it. And again, it's like, there's that capitalist pressure saying like, produce, produce, produce, pay your rent. You have things you need to do. And then there's like the ancestral wisdom of my body saying, no, I'm not ready yet. Maybe you can relate to this. I think this is like a human thing that people experience where it's really hard to get back into the grind after some good deep rest, particularly in the winter. And my dilemma as an entrepreneur is like, I have a never ending to do list and I'm incentivized to invest in my business. And for me, this is, this is my passion. Like I love helping the world be a more peaceful and pleasurable place, you know? And so it's not just like, like, yeah, I need to pay my rent. And I enjoy doing this. So it's easy to get really swept up in to putting a lot of time and energy into this. And, you know, speaking of boundaries, it's been a journey of like knowing when enough is enough. It's like time to rest. So anyways, I think I ended up taking like a full month off, which is like insane. I mean, I was still working, doing coaching sessions, but as far as like bringing the podcast back up, I've just really been enjoying the space, you know, like just the, ah, not having to think or to plan just to rest and to be not that I didn't do any like planning for the new year or something, but you know, just like taking it down a notch felt so good. And at the same time, I love podcasting. And so I'm happy to get back into it. I'm ready. I've like, I've rested, I've recharged. I'm a projector after all in human design. So I don't have an endless battery. I need lots of rest in between activities, lots of breaks. So that break was like everything I needed and more. And something that came up for me during that time, it was really interesting to see what just having the space to do nothing, what within that spaciousness will just kind of like naturally come to the surface, something that wants to be worked past trauma, you know, grief around family, around estranged relationships that I wish weren't, but they are just all that stuff. It like finally had the space to come up. Cause like you can do a coaching session or a therapy session, or you could even vent with a friend, you know, and that's like a little container where you have the space for something to come out and to be processed, but there's something so deliciously abundant and like organic about having a big container, say a two week container where like, I'm not even trying to do trauma work or shadow work or something. And it's all just coming to the surface this. So gently and gracefully. And I'm like, Oh, hello, my deep, deep wounds. I will tend to you because I have the space. And of course the desire, you know, for me, it's like an expression of love to myself and also just living with more peace within myself. Like there's things that want my attention. I will give them my attention. So that was just magical. Um, and I would love to have you experienced something similar? Cause I know different people, depending on their circumstances have different amounts of that big spacious container, or maybe you didn't have that spacious container. But if you did, I want to hear about it. Like, did you experience something similar? I had some, like, some old stuff come up that I was like, oh, wow. I didn't know that still wanted my attention okay. I thought I had given it enough, but here it is. And I'm just grateful to have the opportunity to connect with myself in that way, like, to know what's there and what wants my attention. So, fuck, it was amazing. I don't experience that often, so I was like, mmm, just eating it up. So delicious. So, anyways, I'm back. I'm back from a very long break. It was needed, and I'm ready to go. And today, what I want to bring to you is this topic of people-pleasing and why it is so common. Maybe you have an idea of why it's so common. You know, if we lived in a world where there was no trauma, no violence, no war, Right? If we lived in a paradigm where war wasn't, like, normalized or common, then, like, people-pleasing wouldn't exist. I'm pretty sure. That's my perspective. Take it or leave it. But that's where I stand. People-pleasing is a survival response. It's not living from your truth. It's not living from a place of abundance. And, like, no shame because, like, how do you think I know so much about it? I've done a lot of it. But, you know, it comes from somewhere. It's not just coming out of nowhere. So, what I'm going to share with you is why is it so freaking common? How does it hurt your relationship over time? And we'll also look at how holding boundaries can actually deepen trust and deepen connection. Because when you're in that people-pleasing mode, you're kind of taking up as little space as possible. You're being compliant or complacent, going with the flow. So, it doesn't feel safe to take up space to express yourself. So, we'll look at, you know, there's the fear and what feels safe. And then there's actually, like, on the other side of that threshold, there's a lot of deep trust and connection to be had. So, we'll look at that. And before I get into it, I just want to share with you, I do have a workshop coming up. It's called Own Your Boundaries. And, you know, we're going to be touching on similar topics. Why can it be so challenging to hold a boundary? Because you can logically know all day long, well, yeah, this boundary is going to help me feel at ease. It's going to deepen trust. I'm going to feel more connected to my partner. But then there's, like, moving through the fear of it, which is more of a somatic experience, you know. Like, you have to know how to hold yourself and you have to know what to practice to put the philosophy into action. Because if you're just going about it willy-nilly with no structure, no guidance, it could get kind of crazy kind of fast. Which, you know, like, respect if that's your vibe. I've done a lot of that and I'm like, oof, I feel like, you know, I'm not in my 20s anymore. And so I'm ready for something, like, a little more grounding and stable if I'm going to do my shadow work. So that's what the workshop offers. I'll be guiding you through a somatic exercise to actually move somatically through the blocks that come up when it comes to holding boundaries. And we'll also incorporate a bit of energy work in there. So something about me is I've taken two years of classes at psychic school. Believe it or not, that's a real thing. Think, like, Harry Potter, but without riding on brooms. Anyways, I learned a lot of, like, exercises and techniques to do energy work using the third eye. So it's simple. It's just visual meditation. But believe it or not, you're actually doing energy work when you do that. So I have some little tricks up my sleeve that I'll share with you. And I personally really enjoy combining the somatic work with the energy work. I am, like, obsessed with it. It's this really delicious intersection that I crave, actually, in spaces. And I've had a hard time finding it in spaces. Like, when I'm looking for a therapist, that's what I'm looking for. And it's been super hard to find. I'm really happy to offer that. So if you're someone who struggles with holding boundaries and you're ready to set them and move forward and heal from the past, this workshop is a structure that could really help you, like, put the rubber to the road. And you can check that out in the description below. Or you could just go to my website, ConsciousRelating. org. And that's coming up Wednesday, January 21st. And if you're hearing about this after the fact, you can also catch the replay on my website. So no stress.
Okay, so let's get into this. Let's actually start by identifying what is a boundary. The topic here is people pleasing, right? But the phenomenon with people pleasers is that they are not setting boundaries. And so it makes sense to start off with like, what even is a boundary? Because if you look at the mainstream paradigm, like the 3D paradigm, that's really saturated in the culture of war. You might not be consciously aware of it, but it's everywhere. And if you're like, what are you talking about? You can check out the first episode. What is conscious really? Cause I talk about what unconscious relating is and it's all that just standardized war paradigm that unconsciously seeps into your relationship. So in that kind of mainstream, I would say old world paradigm, it's really common to confuse a boundary for something that's like a barrier. It's getting in the way. This is interesting. Um, I speak Spanish pretty fluently and I was speaking to someone in Spanish. We were both like volunteering at the same place. That's a place and we were talking and he was saying, yeah, I like this girl, but she's putting all these rules on me. And I was like, what do you mean putting rules on you? He was talking about boundaries. And I realized there is literally no word for boundary in Spanish. So like, at least this guy from Central America was relating to boundaries as rules. And that's totally not in the 5D paradigm. It's not at all what a boundary is. So the more neutral way, and I would say the more honest, like the reality of what is a boundary, it's really simple. It is just a need. What do you need to take care of? What do you need to take care of yourself? So like, let's say you're running, you're out, sweating and using your muscles, you need water at some point. And so a boundary is like, I'm going to stop. I'm going to drink water. Simple. A boundary could be you're hanging out with friends, you're getting really sleepy. And you're like, oh my gosh, I'm really enjoying myself. But I really need to like rest. Now I need to like wind down, get ready for bed. That's a boundary. Maybe your body is really sensitive and dairy gives you the shits. So you don't eat dairy. That's a boundary. You're taking care of your body's physical need. And so these are just some neutral examples of boundaries. I'm sure there's way more nuanced examples of boundaries. But I like to give these examples because it's a reframe. Boundaries aren't limitations. They're not rules. They're not barriers. I mean, you can look at it that way, but it leads to more disconnection, you know, and the really connecting way to look at a boundary is that it's really just a need, you know, and so it takes some of that emotional weight off of it. There's no drama when you're like, hey, I have a need and I'm just going to take care of it. So we'll get a little bit more into some nuance around that. But just for context, when I'm saying boundary, what I'm actually referring to is a need.
So now let's touch on the phenomenon of people-pleasing. So, like I said, it happens not from a place of truth or authenticity, but from a place of fear. And literally no shame because, like I said, it comes from somewhere. That fear didn't just like arise out of nowhere. You didn't choose to come into a war paradigm. Well, your soul chose to come to Earth. And before you went into that amnesia, when you crossed the veil, you knew what was going on on Earth. You knew it was a war paradigm. So, you know, it's nuanced. You chose to come here. You were aware of what you were getting into. But you, as a soul, you weren't the one that was like, let's create a war paradigm. I want to go there. No, you were like, I want to know what it's like to live on Earth. And I want to know what it's like to experience and to grow. So I'm going to go there even though I know there's a war paradigm. At least that's a story I tell myself. So that's my perspective, you know. So you incarnated into a paradigm that you didn't necessarily create, but it's here waiting for you. And as long as there's war anywhere going on, the nervous system collectively is going to pick up on that. And it's going to be a little on edge. It's not going to feel completely safe. And so this fear of authenticity, you know, it just wouldn't exist if there was peace on Earth. There would be no drama around authenticity. And by the way, authenticity doesn't mean being rude or mean. It just means being honest, being yourself. And you can do that in a very compassionate way. But that might be hard to believe if authenticity is taboo, if it's not normalized. Or maybe it's like a privilege reserved for the elites or the upper class, you know. So this fear of authenticity on a large scale, it comes from the environment where it's just not the safest environment. Maybe authenticity could risk your safety. Yeah. If we look on a more micro scale, maybe the family you grew up in, um, maybe there was like an alcoholic who was pretty unpredictable. You had to walk on eggshells or, you know, we'll get into some other examples, but there is some experience you've had in your life that makes you afraid to be yourself, to be authentic. And so it's motivated by fear. It's a trauma response. And that's why it feels so delicious to heal from this trauma. And we'll talk more about that.
So what I want to share with you is these five underlying narratives that are present when it comes to people pleasing. So not all people pleasing is the same. It is a fawning response, meaning that you're making yourself smaller or you're conforming or submitting. But the reason it happens, there's a variation of it. And depending on what you've experienced in your life, there's a different narrative that goes along with that. So I want to share with you just five really common narratives that I come across in session. I've done hundreds of sessions. I've been doing this, um, since 2019, um, relationship coaching. So this is just what I've observed through my witnessing people and holding space for people. And then obviously I can relate to this in my own way, you know? So my invitation to you is to really feel into your body and see which narrative resonates with you. Not in a way, I don't mean like which narrative resonates with you in a way that you like it or enjoy it. But I want to know which narrative lights something up in your body. What is your body responding to? And this is a somatic exercise. Very simple, brief exercise. Just noticing where the charge is in your body. When I name these narratives, you might find that you relate to multiple narratives, or maybe there's one particular one that's like really strong. There's like a big charge around it. Maybe you notice some constriction or some tightness somewhere in your body. That's how you know that this is the one that is living in your body. This fear narrative. So the first underlying narrative that comes with people pleasing is this idea that people don't like who I really am. Like if people were to find out who I actually am, they would not like it. And so I would be rejected. So just sit with that and notice how your body responds to that. Where in your body do you notice sensation?
So people who have this narrative, this fear of, well, if you find out who I really am, you're not going to want to hang out with me anymore. What they tend to fall into is kind of losing themselves in the group dynamic. So if there's like a group cultural norm, you just conform to that group cultural norm. And there's this fear of, well, if I deviate from these norms, from what is safe, what is known, what the group is clearly accepting because they're behaving in these ways, then maybe I won't be accepted. Or maybe I'm not lovable. When we really peel back the layers, it usually, the core fear is, am I lovable? Like people just want to feel that they are enough as they are, you know, which is not the mainstream paradigm. That's not like kind of the state of the culture collectively that we're in. But it is possible to find people who do love you as you are.
The second narrative is, I'm not allowed to be myself. So maybe there's like a deep longing underneath all that conditioning and the survival mechanism. But at the end of the day, there's this narrative saying, no, you're not allowed to. Like that's against the rules. So it could be this idea of like, well, my feelings are too big. I can't bring my emotions into the space. I'm too emotional. Have you ever been told you're too emotional? It's such a patriarchal norm to be told you're too emotional. Or, you know, a very common experience that people have within a culture that's been shaped by empire or by war is like, there's literally no space for your emotions. So you're a kid and you're crying. That's not allowed. Stop crying. Why are you crying right now? Act your age. So there's this deep, you know, repetitive subconscious conditioning that even if it wasn't communicated to you by your parents directly, like, hey, you're not allowed to be yourself when you're being told to suppress your emotions, you're essentially receiving the message. Oh, I'm actually not allowed to be my full self in the space. And this happens in environments or family systems where you're in survival mode. Maybe you don't have enough money to make ends meet. Or like I said, maybe you have enough money, but one of the parents is an alcoholic. you have to walk on eggshells. They're unpredictably violent from one second to the next. So whatever the flavor of survival mode, if you're growing up in an environment where it feels like survival, oftentimes it feels like too risky to the collective safety for you to just like emote and be yourself.
So notice where that shows up in your body.
The third narrative is my presence isn't valuable enough. I have to be in service to maintain relationships. And I see this one coming up particularly a lot with men because that's that patriarchal social conditioning is, I mean, you hear about these men and these loveless marriages, but the woman married him for money, for example. And I think that paradigm is actually dying out with the rise of feminism, but it is that patriarchal conditioning where like I've done many sessions with men and women. And what I see in men very often, and especially straight men is they just feel so much pressure to be on, like to not be vulnerable, to be providing value, to be contributing, but like all the time.
And so the idea is like, in order for me to maintain a relationship, I have to be providing value. The moment I stop providing value, I'm worthless, I'm thrown to the side, I'm not needed. And so it's essentially like I'm not loved, you know. So that's the third narrative.
The fourth narrative is, I don't want to make my partner feel bad. So I'm not going to hold this boundary. And this comes from a place where you're actually taking responsibility for your partner's emotions. This is where the guilt comes up around holding boundaries. It's like, well, I'm pretty clear I need to get off the phone now, but I know my partner is going to be devastated because we haven't talked in a while. Maybe you're traveling, maybe you're separated, and oh, I don't want to upset my partner, I'm going to make them feel bad. But there's a difference here between I'm making you feel bad, and oh, you are having a reaction to my need, or to my boundary. Because you don't choose your needs. Your needs are your needs. That's the interesting thing about the human experience is everyone has needs. Whether or not you express them, they're still there. And so the trick with your needs is actually expressing them. And, you know, when you're feeling guilty around having a need, usually that comes from playing that role in the family system, or, you know, in some environment, particularly at a young age, where you're playing the peacemaker. Where maybe there's a bunch of chaos or emotional instability, maybe it was that survival mode, and you were the calm person. You were the anchor for the family. This was my role, personally. Sorry, I really resonate with this one.
And so as long as you're playing the role of peacemaker, or you're maintaining harmony in the family, you do really feel a sense of, okay, if I come undone, if I'm not in control of my own emotions, or, in this case, if I'm not suppressing my needs, then, like, all chaos is going to ensue. It's going to be emotionally volatile. It's going to be worse. I won't be able to handle it. No one will be able to handle it. That's where this narrative comes It's taking responsibility for the collective well-being, and particularly for the emotional collective well-being. And so naturally, when you enter into a partnership, you just, not instinctively, because I don't think you're born with this instinct, but that social conditioning kicks on like a program. It just happens automatically without you choosing to run it, or without you even being aware sometimes that it's running. But you just start taking responsibility for your partner's emotions. And so as long as you're stuck in the peacemaker role, it's very, like, Libra energy, like, maintaining harmony in relationships, you know, you might feel guilty. Like, oh, well, if I express my need, that's selfish, or it's going to hurt somebody. But the thing is, you know, it's natural for people to be disappointed or to be sad or, you know, it's like you stub your toe, and you're like, ow, that sucks. You don't choose that, and it's not anybody's fault. And it's similar with the needs. You don't choose your needs. You're just expressing them. It's not your fault. You're not, it's not your partner's fault. But it's okay. They can have a reaction, but it doesn't make it your responsibility. It doesn't have to be if you're able to deprogram.
So that's the fourth one.
The last narrative, the fifth narrative, is my needs will break the relationship. So if you've ever felt like too needy, you know, which by the way, you weren't born feeling too needy or thinking that it's a cultural norm within this war paradigm where, um, needs can risk safety. If you take up too much space, be careful, there could be negative repercussions. And so this fear of, oh my gosh, am I going to have too many needs? Am I going to express too many needs? That's where this stigma comes around, um, comes from around being too needy. So there's this idea that I shouldn't have these needs. These needs are bad or wrong, which is not the case, obviously, like every human has needs. And like I said, you don't choose it or you don't control it. It just is what it is. You just reveal it or you don't. But there are a lot of people, and I used to experience this more than I do now, but particularly in my twenties, I experienced this so much where I was like, oh, well, if I express myself too much, or if I advocate for my needs too much, maybe my partner can't handle it, maybe my partner will feel burdened by me and they won't be interested in hanging out with me anymore. So it's this fear of, what if I end up abandoned and alone because there is not enough space for my needs, right? The narrative is, my needs will break the relationship. The relationship can't handle my needs.
So feel into that.
And tell me in the comments, I'd be really curious to know which one of these shows up the strongest for you. And if you have multiple showing up, I would be curious to hear about it. For me, it's number four. Number four is the one I've struggled with a lot. Honestly, I've struggled with all of these in different moments. But I've worked through, you know, different ones in different chapters, like more so than others. So I feel like there's still some residue from number four, but I have very clear practices in place that take the weight off of it. So I'm able to notice it when it's happening and then pivot. Not every time, but enough of the times to where I feel like I'm deprogramming. And that feels really good.
So next, let's look at, like, how does this impact your relationships?
So next, let's look at how does this impact your relationship? How does people pleasing, or another way of saying that is, like, what is the impact of suppressing your needs? Suppressing your feelings, making yourself small and staying in this fawning response where you're submitting or you're just not fully being authentic. You're not fully living. You're not existing fully. You're playing it safe. You're playing it small. Maybe you're going with the flow. You're submitting. You're conforming. What impact does that have on your relationship? And you might be surprised. I don't know. Tell me if this is surprising to you. The first thing is when you are not creating space for yourself fully and, like, not your fault. You learned from the past that it's not safe, that you can't make space. But then over time, maybe you are with someone who it is safe to actually fully express with. But your conditioning is kind of, like, self-repressing. So when you're not fully expressing, it just naturally leads to resentment. Because resentment comes from an unmet need. So let's say, you know, you're sleepy, you're on the phone with your partner, like the previous example. And you do end up staying on the phone. I actually had a client who fell into this a lot in a long-distance relationship where his partner is very anxiously attached. And I think he felt a bit more secure. But he would overextend himself. And he would talk on the phone longer than he wanted to. And he would just feel so burnt out afterwards. And he did this for long enough, like, we're talking years, that he started feeling actually kind of, like, turned off. Or, like, repulsed is a strong word. It's not like he's, like, hating his partner. But resentment over time can really kill desire. It's really bad for connection and for chemistry. So it can lead to feeling bitter or feeling irritated or, like, just really short. Because there's something that's unmet that is wanting your attention, but is being hidden or tucked away or suppressed. And so that just naturally results in resentment. Which, it's really not, like, a long-term sustainable strategy for a relationship. Personally, I went through a period of time where, oh my gosh. Before I was, like, you know, in the 20s, of course. Before I was further along in my... My re-patterning work, and I'm not like perfectly healed or something by any means, but I'm way better than where I used to be. And I went through this phase where I would just have these relationships that lasted six months, almost like exactly six months. And it was because that was the amount of time it took for my repressed needs to turn into resentment and repulsion. And I was just like, oh, I actually can't stand you anymore. And it was really confusing for the people I was dating and breaking up with because they were like, everything was fine last week, what's going on? But they couldn't see my internal experience of all the sacrifice, everything I wasn't expressing because I was afraid to.
So resentment over time really kills desire, and it can sever connection. You don't want to be around someone anymore because you're just like, oh, you're causing me so much imbalance. I'm not resting enough when I'm with you because you're just not holding the boundary. You're not expressing.
How does people-pleasing impact relationships? Another piece is it's simply inauthentic. And this inauthenticity, it can be sensed. I've had this come up in session quite a bit as well, where someone is really stuck in a people-pleasing pattern, and their partners are getting really frustrated with them because they're like, I want to know you. Please tell me, what do you want to do this weekend? What is your actual preference? What do you, what is your desire? What lights you up? You know? And with that people-pleasing response, sometimes it's hard to access in yourself. You're like, I actually don't know. I just want you to be happy, and so I'll do whatever you want to do, you know? Like, I feel at peace when you're happy. But then there's this kind of sunken part of you that's living in your subconscious, somewhere deep down there, that it's like you don't even know your own desires because it doesn't feel safe enough for you to know. Or, you know, if you feel like there's no space for you to express what's true for you, then maybe that connection becomes severed between your inner knowing, like you knowing yourself. And so that inauthenticity, it's not always named, but your partner can feel it. Or maybe you're someone who you've had a partner like this, and you can just sense it, you know? It's this unspoken thing, but you can feel that something isn't fully true, you know? And that feeling doesn't facilitate trust. The key, there's like so many things that facilitate trust, but one of the core things that feeds trust is honesty. It's transparency. And it doesn't mean you have to demand, it's like, this is what I want to do this weekend, and so we have to do it, or else I'm going to be upset. It's just transparently like, oh, I would love to go kayaking this weekend, what do you want to do? Oh, I'm not sure if I'm into kayaking. Oh, okay, well, let's find something we both want to do. It's just bringing something to the surface that's there. And the seeing what's there, knowing what's there, that really feeds trust. You're on the same page, there's nothing hiding.
So that inauthenticity can be sensed, even if your partner's not consciously aware of it, they might be in a place where they're like, well, how can I trust what you're saying? Like, how do I know this is, like, you're actually okay with going to this restaurant? And how do I know you're not going to complain later, right? Or how do I know you're not going to fall out of love with me in two years because you're doing everything I want to do, and I don't even know what you want to do? What if you get tired of me because you're not fulfilled in our relationship because you don't know what you want? So in that way, it really doesn't feed trust.
So on the flip side, this is where boundaries can actually really feed trust. And this is part of that 5D paradigm. You're leaving that war paradigm where boundaries become a risk, your needs become a risk or a threat to the environment, to the collective environment. Because if you think about it, that war paradigm is, like, it's domination. And it is. It's, like, you must conform to whoever is the victor or whoever's in power. And so there is no space for needs. And maybe if you're to go against the power, they'll just execute you, right? And that's, like, taking it to the extreme, the war paradigm. But in a daily experience of just living your life, the opposite is true, right? Because you're, I mean, hopefully your house is in a war zone. Mine was growing up. I grew up with a lot of domestic violence. And so you can understand where my people-pleasing patterns came from. But, you know, ideally, you're in a safe, loving relationship now where there's not that threat. And so it's quite the opposite. Your boundaries feed trust because your authenticity feeds trust. Because you being true to yourself, you being authentic, that's you being honest and transparent. And that is the thing that really deepens trust and it deepens connection. So, like I said, it's not about having someone conform to your way, to your need or your desire. It's just about naming it, letting it be there so you can both hold it together.
And the deeper thing here, this is where the healing comes in, is that you don't have to betray yourself to sustain a relationship. I'm going to say that again, because I really want this to sink in. It's a really deep idea, where in a war paradigm, you're not allowed to have space to exist outside of conforming to the person in power. And so in a way, there is this self-betrayal, because it's not safe for you to honor what's true for you, to honor your feelings and your needs.
And so in your beloved relationship, you know, and hopefully this is a relationship where you can heal and grow together, it is safe for you to express yourself. And so you can just compost that idea of, I must abandon myself, or I must betray my own needs in order to maintain this relationship.
So in this sense, you can think of boundaries or your needs as invitations for connection. Because in this 5D paradigm, which is all about peace and pleasure, and of course, when there's peace and pleasure, there's connection. That's just like inevitable. So in this paradigm that's not about dominating and feeling disconnected, but you're feeling connected, your boundaries are really just invitations for connection. Because this is a paradigm where there is space for your needs. So for example, I'm saying, hey, I'm really tired, I'm going to leave early, I'm going to leave, I'm not going to finish this movie because I'm falling asleep through it, I'm going to go home and get ready for bed. It's an invitation for connection.
Because what would feel disconnecting is if, let's say my partner is like, no, I don't care how tired you are. I have feelings about you leaving, I'm going to miss you and I'm going to be sad. And so I need you to stay here. I need you to override your boundaries, override your needs, need you to tuck those away, put them out of sight. We're going to finish this movie. That's not a loving relationship, you know? And so the invitation for connection is really that invitation for trust. It's like, can I trust you that my needs aren't going to create a rupture between us? Maybe they create misalignment because you're not tired, you're ready to watch the rest of the movie. But if you're able to be with your emotions, even though I'm leaving early and you're sad then that's fine. If you can hold both the sadness and the acceptance of like, oh yeah, you're tired. I love you. Go get some rest. That is the thing that leads to long-term connection. It's saying, hey, I want to be in a reality where there is space for my needs, where I can exist in peace and pleasure and connection. Would you like to join me in that reality? And if your partner is willing to join you, even if they're working through their own trauma patterns and their own trauma response, if they know the practices, if they're willing to do some shadow work around it and get to that place where they can fully meet you, like that right there, that's a long-term sustainable connection. And it's a connection that's centered around pleasure. And I don't mean just in a sexual way. I mean the pleasure of existing in life, the pleasure of feeling that trust. Most people don't feel a sense of trust in their relationships because of all the trauma that's just like circling around the collective. And so to feel the true pleasure of relating is one of the most delicious feelings that no money can buy. But it's that feeling of like, ah, your body can soften and be defenseless in front of another. That experience is gold because that's a whole different paradigm. You're out of that word paradigm where you have to be on guard. You have to be on defense. That's optional at this point, depending on your circumstances, right? But collectively, we are moving through a period where that war paradigm is composting. It might look like the opposite because it's dying. It's on its way out. And what does any being do when it's dying? It grasps for life, right? And so it kind of doubles down and it's like, no, I must survive. This war paradigm will continue on. But ultimately, it's not. It's on the way out. The frequencies of Earth are evolving. And on an energetic level, the frequency of war is misaligned with the trajectory in which Earth is moving. And so the task of this time, if you're a soul who loves to grow and you chose to come here to anchor this time on Earth, this big collective transition, the task is to match the frequency of the future, not of the past. And of course, you're doing this in the present moment, right? But the more you can match the frequency of peace and pleasure, where boundaries are invitations for connection, the more you're aiding in that collective energetic transition towards that actual paradigm, because it's already happening inevitably. And. But depending on how many people, because we are energetic beings at the end of the day, are moving into that paradigm in the way that they're relating, in the cultural norms they embody in their beloved relationships. Depending on how many do that, and particularly at the same time, the process can actually speed up. It's like tipping the scale towards the new paradigm and divesting energy from the old paradigm. So that old paradigm is naturally drying up on its own. You just gotta stop watering it, you know? So it could dry out faster.
So one more thing I want to share with you here, and this is, like, how do you move forward? So when you're coming from a place of people-pleasing, when you're coming from survival mode, it's not safe to fully show myself, what if I end up rejected and alone? Or what if I hurt my partner in the process? This inherently is a path where you have to take a risk. You have to have some courage. Because it's scary. And courage isn't about not being afraid. It's about being afraid and taking a next step forward. You don't have to jump off a cliff. You can just take a little baby step. And that is courage in action. Courage is just not submitting to the fear and stopping action. Of course, if there's a real threat that's putting you at risk, then, like, listen to the fear. You know, that fear is keeping you alive. But as we're moving out of this kind of trauma-dominated paradigm into a more abundant paradigm, the 5D, we can just let that go. You know, you don't have to hold on to the fear.
So, the next step, I just want to tell you up front, because it's going to feel uncomfortable, because it's going to be scary. And it's going to require some courage, which is a virtue that you have to be willing to step into, you know? Like, I believe that any human being in a human body is capable of expressing courage, of embodying courage. But it is a choice. You have to be willing to choose, like, okay, I see the threat, the anticipated threat. I feel afraid. And I'm willing just to take a step and see how it goes. I'm willing to take a risk.
So, context matters. I'm not saying, like, if you're in an abusive relationship, or if you have a partner who's very unpredictable, maybe they have an addiction to any substance. Ma it's even a TikTok addiction. It could be anything, really. If they're erratic and unpredictable, and you don't feel safe around them, then, like, maybe that's not the person to practice with. You don't have to force it. Because you are taking a risk here. And particularly, you're risking rejection. Yeah. So, I don't want you to put yourself in danger physically. I don't think it's worth taking a physical risk. Because there are enough people and enough spaces where it is safe to take a calculated risk. You don't have to just go out into the middle of a grocery store and, you know, like a place where it's not a safe container. Some random public place, you know. So, do this with some discernment. But you have to be willing to take that risk. And that's really just an inner choice you have to make. And what I notice is, particularly, this comes up a lot in session. Where if you are unwilling to risk rejection, because it just feels better in the body to not take that risk, to feel the safety of what's familiar and predictable. Well, if I conform, or suppress, or don't fully laugh as loud as I want to in this moment. Or if I don't fully express that I need to pause and take care of myself in some way. I need a snack. You know. Whatever it is. Then maybe I'll be rejected. Maybe there's not space for my needs. Maybe people won't like who I am. Right? We've gone through the narrative. So, choose yours.
But when you're playing it safe, in order to prevent that external rejection, what you are 100% doing is internally, you're rejecting yourself. Because you're not making space for yourself. So, I can't tell you whether your friend group, or whether your partner, is going to reject you based on your needs. Maybe, maybe not. But that's part of this experience. It's trial and error. You have to make that calculated risk of, is it safe to practice this with someone? Will I be safe? At the end of the day. Even if I'm rejected, will my safety be risked? That's the question.
And if maybe it's not safe enough to take the risk, or you're just not ready to. That conscious awareness that you are actually on a deep subconscious level, you're feeling rejected anyways. So, if it's not coming from externally, it's coming from that self-suppression, that self-rejection. Like you're saying, no, it's not worth showing my full self. That is self-rejection. And it doesn't feel great. And it doesn't feel great. So, you know, the part of being in a human body is your nervous system will feel a little bit on edge when you're doing something that's less predictable or less familiar. And so, you know, it doesn't feel great to reject yourself, but it might feel on a nervous system level, less activating to play it safe and to know you won't be rejected by someone else.
But if you're willing to go through some temporary discomfort, and if you have really like the skills to regulate your nervous system, it obviously helps a ton, then you can move through that temporary discomfort and you will feel this inner liberation, the liberation that comes with accepting yourself fully. Because look, there's billions of people on the planet, and by design, you're not supposed to get along with everyone. There's just, there's so much diversity on this planet, and particularly in personality, like regardless of external diversity, there's that internal diversity. Like not everyone is meant to jive with everyone, and that's totally fine. It would be weird if that was going on. It's actually, you clock that as like unnatural. You're like, oh, I don't trust this person. What are they not saying? You know, it goes back to that. What's not being said, but what can be felt? It's just not natural to get along with everyone. And it doesn't mean you have to be enemies with everyone. It just means that you're going to get rejected at some point in your life, because that's part of the human experience on earth. There's no way around it unless you self-reject and you self-suppress.
But the more that you're willing to take that risk of rejection, you know, you kind of desensitize yourself to the rejection. Because inevitably, when you shine your light and people are able to see it, of course there's going to be people who say, oh, not for me. Like, they're not wishing you harm necessarily. Maybe if they're very traumatized and like don't have the privilege of seeing a therapist or something, you know, like whatever, teach their own. But it's like, it can be neutral. Rejection can be neutral. It's like, oh yeah, that person doesn't really like my personality and that's totally fine. But as long as you're shining that light, now you can be seen. And the people who do resonate with your vibration, they can fully see it and they're just going to bloop. They're going to come right in like magnets. They're going to be attracted to your authenticity. And when you're relating from that place of not fear and conformity, but authenticity, that confidence of like, okay, I can be rejected here, but it's going to create opportunities for deeper connection somewhere else. That's the pleasure of relating. Like, the quality of relationships, whether it's romantic or platonic, just feels so delicious when it's coming from a place where you have permission to be yourself, where you accept yourself first. And then, you know, when you're accepting yourself, you're naturally going to vibe with other people who also accept themselves and who resonate with your personality. That's such a delicious, abundant place to relate from. There is nothing like it. That's good.
Another, let's say, growth edge. So if you're wanting to deprogram from the people-pleasing, reprogram your nervous system so it can soften and learn that it is safe to be yourself. It is safe to take up space. Another part of that growth edge, depending on, you know, which of these narratives stands out to you the most, there has to be a willingness to feel the discomfort in your body of allowing others to be disappointed. And this is particularly for those who feel guilt or feel selfish, like, oh, it's not fair for me to advocate for my need because it's going to hurt someone else. They're not going to like it. I don't want to break the piece. There has to be a willingness for you to feel the discomfort in your body of just allowing someone to have an experience of disappointment or hurt or sadness or what have you, anger, without taking responsibility for it. So I'm not saying it's going to be comfortable because like I said, you're inherently taking a risk. Your nervous system is going to be on edge to some degree. And so you don't want to jump off the deep end. You want to just take a nice little baby step because that's going to be more sustainable as far as the healing goes. You want to do this repeatedly. So if you could do this in a teeny tiny way, 10 times in a month, it's going to be way more impactful than if you take a huge leap once in a year, you know, it's, it could be really like rattling for the nervous system in a way where it's not helping you establish that safety. So these little baby steps, you know, just allowing someone to be disappointed and it could be as small of an example as like saying, you know what, a year ago, I would have said, yeah, I'll go to that restaurant with you, even though I don't like Thai food or whatever. I love Thai food. So maybe that's not my example, but let's say, I don't know, you have some allergy to like fish oil or fish sauce. And you're like, oh, I don't know if I feel comfortable or relaxed eating Thai food. because I don't know what has fish sauce in it or whatever. Maybe a year ago you would have said, yeah, that's fine, because you just wanted to make your partner happy. But, you know, even though it's a tiny example, your nervous system is still going to feel that you're exploring your edge by saying, you know what, I don't want Thai food tonight. What if we get, I don't know, something else. What if we get Mexican food? Probably no fish sauce on that.
So it doesn't matter where you practice, what matters is that you're expressing courage, that you're facing your fear. And you're doing it in small, calculated ways that maybe logically you understand, yeah, this is probably not too risky, it's probably safe, but your nervous system needs to catch up to that. And so taking those small actions is going to be the most streamlined way for your nervous system to catch up. Because each time you try something and you have a positive data point, it's going to rewrite your algorithm. You're going to be moving in a different direction.
So the question is, can you trust that you're safe? And if the answer is no, if it really feels like there's a threat in the environment, not the time or place to practice, that's totally fine. And you know, I think, I imagine if you're listening to this podcast, you're somebody who's likely in a partnership who, or where you're growing together and you're healing together and you really value relationships and you value like deep connection, not just like, oh yeah, let's share a house and let's share bills. It's like that kind of alert, like that kind of external thing that helps you feel like, okay, you're not going to leave me because we're locked into a mortgage together. It's that deeper thing of like, how deep can this thing go? Like, how deep can we trust? How much can I deprogram from these codependent patterns or these people pleasing tendencies? You know, and you have to have that safety with another person in order to heal from that because you hurt in relationship and you heal in relationship. So who you choose to surround yourself with, it's going to make or break the future that you're setting out for yourself. If you're really committed to healing and growing and seeing how deep it can go, like how delicious can the pleasure of relating get? Then you're going to want to find someone who you feel safe with, who you trust.
So I'll leave it there for today. The sun is fully set since I started recording this. So I wonder if I look like very white now with the lighting around me. We'll see, I guess. Again, if you want to do the somatic processing, that piece is a little harder to do on a podcast, but you can come to the workshop January 21st. I'll be guiding people through a somatic and third eye exercise. So it's somatic, like body work, noticing body sensations and like tracking the charge in a way where your body can feel complete with that charge. It's not just living unfinished. There's space for it to like fully kind of process and for you to move forward. Combining that with some energy work, doing some visual meditations that involve your third eye. You can sign up on my website, ConsciousRelating.org. You can also check out my newsletter if you just want to hear more updates from me. I post, it kind of varies. It's just whatever flows is how much I post depends on what's going on. But I do have some workshops coming up. So if you want to strengthen your ability to set a boundary, there's that workshop in January. If you feel triggered by rejection when you're receiving a boundary, when your partner is saying, no, I'm not available right now. No, I don't want to go to that restaurant. If that's really triggering for you, I have a similar workshop. We'll do like some somatic work and some energy work around it. And that's coming up in March. And you can check that out on my website, ConsciousRelating. org. And I've got some classes lined up for the rest of the year as well. So in May, I have a four-week class just to help you identify really common unconscious patterns that are rooted in codependency. And we'll work very practically with how to deprogram or decondition from those patterns. So you can go as deep as you want to. Thanks for listening. If you haven't already subscribed to the podcast, please do. That way you can be informed of when another one releases. And let me know how this landed with you. What are your takeaways? Did you learn anything new about yourself in this process? I'd love to know. So tell me in the comments. Peace be with you
