Boundaries as Invitations for Connection
Chapters:
1. Why Boundaries Feel So Hard Right Now
How modern relationship culture makes setting and receiving boundaries emotionally charged.
2. Why Boundaries Trigger Rejection Wounds
Understanding why boundaries often feel like personal rejection.
3. What Is a Boundary, Really? (Explained Simply)
Why boundaries are commonly misunderstood as limits, barriers, or separation.
4. The War Paradigm Behind Boundary Guilt
How cultural conditioning teaches us to associate boundaries with disconnection.
5. How Resentment Builds When Boundaries Aren’t Held
Why self-abandonment slowly erodes intimacy and trust.
Reframing Boundaries as Needs
6. The Truth: Every Boundary Is Rooted in a Need
How healthy boundaries emerge from honest self-care.
7. Dietary Boundaries as a Simple Example of Needs
Why saying no is often about health, not rejection.
8. Sexual Health Boundaries and Safety
Using boundaries to protect physical well-being without shame.
9. Emotional Safety as a Core Relationship Need
Why respect, compassion, and validation deepen intimacy.
10. Validation vs. Intention in Conflict
How acknowledging impact builds emotional security.
11. Boundaries as a Dating Compass
Using needs to assess compatibility early on.
What People Get Wrong About Boundaries
12. Mistaking Boundaries for Ownership
How the belief “love means total availability” creates dysfunction.
13. Why Self-Neglect Leads to Resentment
The hidden cost of putting your partner before your needs.
14. Boundaries Are Not Barriers to Love
Understanding physical and emotional boundaries without personalization.
15. When Boundaries Are Used as Control
How to tell if a boundary is about you—or about managing someone else.
16. The Difference Between Requests and Demands
Why collaboration builds trust and coercion destroys it.
17. Rules vs. Agreements in Relationships
How rigid rules block growth, especially in non-monogamy.
18. Weaponizing Boundaries as Punishment
When pain turns into withdrawal, manipulation, or retaliation.
Capacity, Desire, and Skillful Boundary Setting
19. Capacity vs. Desire: The Missing Framework
Why most boundaries are misunderstood without this distinction.
20. Why Capacity Is Often the Real Issue
Recognizing bandwidth before engaging emotionally.
21. Saying Yes Later Without Saying No Forever
How timing can preserve connection.
22. Emotional Bandwidth and Repair Conversations
Why repairing too soon can cause more harm.
23. Offering Alternatives Instead of Disconnecting
How boundaries can invite collaboration.
Receiving Boundaries Without Spiraling
24. When a Boundary Feels Like Rejection
Why the nervous system reacts even when no rejection is happening.
25. Observing Rejection Sensations Without Reacting
How to let emotional waves pass without escalation.
26. The 90-Second Rule for Emotional Regulation
Letting nervous system activation complete its cycle.
27. Breathwork to Calm Rejection Triggers
A simple inhale-exhale practice to ground the body.
28. Separating Programming From Truth
Why the rejection story isn’t who you are.
29. Grounding Practices for Emotional Safety
Using the body and environment to stabilize.
30. Asking for Reassurance Without Shame
Why vulnerability is the doorway to deeper connection.
31. Boundaries as a Path to Trust and Intimacy
How honoring needs creates lasting relationship safety.
32. Why Boundaries Strengthen Love Over Time
Choosing connection without self-abandonment.
You or someone you know might have trouble either setting a boundary or receiving a boundary. And that's not because there's something wrong with you. It's just the characteristics of the time that we're living in. Today we're going to look at why can boundaries trigger rejection, which is so common. Why is it so easy to confuse boundaries as a form of control? And what actually is a boundary? Like, really? Like, if you're actually doing it skillfully? And how can that be an invitation for connection? So if you're someone who struggles with boundaries, when you're able to relate to them as invitations for connection, it makes it way easier to actually implement them. So let's get into it. What if your sacred partnership could be a source of pleasure and stability amidst the chaos of these times? I'm your host, Forrest Williams, certified relationship coach and disciple of love. And I help you learn the art of trust by waking up from unconscious patterns so you can enjoy the pleasure of relating.
Now, if a five-year-old asked you, what is a boundary? How would you describe it to them? And I'll give you a second to actually think about it here.
I ask this question all the time to people in one-on-one coaching sessions. And the most common response that I hear is that it's putting a barrier between you and another person or that it's establishing a limit. It's where you end and I begin. And like, these aren't wrong necessarily. It is one way to look at it. But it is a militarized way to look at it. It definitely is a perspective that comes from a war paradigm. So, you know, the idea with war paradigm, or really an imperialist paradigm, is division, separation, and disconnection. So it makes sense then that we look at boundaries as something that divides or separates or disconnects. And this is why it can feel so hard to hold boundaries. There can be a lot of guilt that comes up around, oh, I don't want to reject someone, or oh, gosh, I really care about this person. I don't want to feel disconnected, or X, Y, Z. But what happens when you're not holding boundaries is that you grow resentful over time. And this is actually going to kill a relationship very slowly over time. Resentment is a huge relationship killer. So, you know, within a war paradigm, boundaries can disconnect and can separate or maybe even reject someone. But if we flip the paradigm, and we look from a place of abundance, another way of looking at this is that boundaries are actually just needs. So underneath every boundary is a need. That is, if you're using it honestly. And we'll get into the unconscious ways that people mistake about boundaries, like what people get wrong about them. But right now, let's just look at a couple examples of if we're looking at boundaries as needs, then what could that look like? So one example I want to start with is actually like a dietary need. So in the scarcity paradigm, you would say it's a dietary restriction. It's something that you can't eat, something that's missing. But if we look at it from the lens of needs, let's say dairy makes you shit your pants, right? Like probably you're not going to want to eat dairy. So you're going to hold a boundary around that. And really the boundary is taking care of your health. It's making sure that your digestion is working properly. So to put this in a relational context, let's say somebody invites you on a date and they want to go to a pizza place. Well, that might not be the most spacious place for you to get your needs met. So holding a boundary here is really just taking care of your need and making sure that you can have an enjoyable time where your health is intact when you go out to eat. So maybe instead of going to a pizza place and just saying yes to something, you suggest something else that would fit more of your needs. Another example of a boundary is when it comes to sex, you know, like you're hooking up with someone new, you might want to ask them, what's their STI status? What was the last thing they got tested for and when? And what was the outcome of the result? Was it positive or negative? And this is a simple boundary just to take care of your health needs. Maybe if somebody is recently tested positive or something, then you're just going to use a barrier or some sort of protections you can take care of your health. Or maybe, you know, if somebody is like, yeah, I actually did hook up with someone last week and I haven't gotten tested since, you know, maybe you have a need around that. If I don't know what your status is, then I'm going to use protection just in case to take care of my health. Or we could look at emotional needs. So, you know, if you're in an intimate partnership, I'm sure that most people would want to be spoken to with compassion and respect. And like, if you're not, you know, you can still be in that partnership, but there might not be emotional safety there. So an example of this, let's say you and your partner are fighting. Um, there's some kind of conflict that arises or one of you gets triggered and maybe it does escalate into a fight where you're actually turning against each other. There could be a boundary here of like, Hey, your feelings are valid. And please, I just need you to speak to me with some respect and some compassion. If this isn't the moment for it, then let's revisit the conversation when compassion is more accessible.
Another example of a boundary here, um, around emotional safety would be just having somebody actually acknowledge your experience. So one way to say this is like somebody actually validating your feelings, um, or validating the impact that they have on you. Um, so a common issue that comes up between couples is, you know, someone will say something that feels hurtful, but that actually wasn't their intention. Maybe it just triggers something for the other person. Um, and they had no way of knowing that was going to upset them. And so a lot of people will get stuck around, but that wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to hurt you. Um, but the need here really for a sense of emotional safety is like, yeah, that's understandable. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but I actually just want you to acknowledge how that impacted me. And that is really going to help, um, deep in the bond. Cause when there's emotional safety, there's a solid container to deepen in intimacy.
We could look at another example, and this is kind of a zoomed out example. So this is a general relationship need. So let's say like when you're in the dating process, you might tell yourself, okay, when I'm looking for a partner, what I'm looking for is someone who is able to collaborate and someone who values So someone who's not just going to do something without my input, but they're going to always consider my input first. And so this can be sort of like a guiding compass when you're dating people. Um, and it could even be something that you name up front. So maybe even on the first date, you can say these two things are important to me. Um, and so in that way, it's like an invitation for connection because somebody knows, okay, this is the way that you need to connect. So if I want to connect with you, can I meet you there? And if I honestly can't meet you there, can I actually just be honest about that? And can we accept the misalignment?
I'll speak a little bit more to how boundaries or essentially your needs could be invitations for connection. Um, but first actually want to get into what people really commonly get wrong about boundaries, particularly when they're coming from this war paradigm. And if you're new here, I just want to give a little bit of background about that. So it's not that there's something wrong with you that you're living inside of a war paradigm. It's not your fault, actually. It's just the nature of global imperialism at this point. It's become basically the norm and it's become the dominant paradigm. So, you know, it's natural to internalize whatever the norms are culturally in your environment. And at this point, especially in the U. S. empire, but really any place with a history of imperialism, which is nearly every single place on earth right now, which is crazy to think about. Um, you know, it's just natural that you're going to be internalizing that war paradigm, but on a very unconscious level. So the point of acknowledging these war norms is so that you can become more consciously aware of them. And that conscious awareness creates the choice point where you can actually choose to just let them go.
The abundant thing about choosing to let it go is that not only does your relationship benefit, because if you're living within a war paradigm in your relationship, you're just not going to feel satisfied or as deeply connected as you could. But the other abundant thing about it is that when you stop feeding the energy of war, you're actually giving it less life in the collective paradigm. So the more you can feed the energy of love, the more that you're actually birthing that paradigm into the world as the new dominant paradigm. And you might think, oh, well, I'm just one person. This probably doesn't make a difference. Actually, the world is really hungry to leave war behind at this point. And there are so many people doing this work, I guess, kind of on their own, but all together at the same time. It's happening simultaneously. And so it actually does make a really huge impact on like a quantum physics energetic level. It's really cool. So here are four things that people get really wrong about boundaries. The first thing that people get wrong about boundaries is that they mistake them for ownership. So, you know, there's this Hollywood kinda like programming that people receive that says, "If you love me, then you're supposed to be 100% available to me." And really subconsciously, this comes from that word paradigm because within that hierarchical structure, the person on the top like basically has all the power and control. Like, if you think of your job or your boss, even if you disagree with what your boss says, you do what your boss says. Or like... I remember when I used to work at a restaurant, um, there'd be nothing to do, like no customers to serve, and the employer would essentially be like, "Well, I'm paying for your time, so you better scrub the floors." You know, they're basically in charge of you, like they own you for that time that you're clocked in. And so unconsciously, this actually ripples into personal relationship dynamics and that shows up as this idea of ownership. So, it's almost like I give you complete control over me or I give myself to you as an expression of love. So it's almost like this consensual hierarchy. And there's like a healthy way to, you know, like surrender and relax and to trust and to connect and let your guard down. But what I'm looking at is where it's way out of balance, and there's this idea that you're supposed to be 100% available to your lover. And if you're not, then you're essentially rejecting them. And I'm not respecting them. So, what really doesn't work about this ownership paradigm is that there is no space for your needs, essentially, right? It's denying that you might actually have a need and that your boundary might be coming from a need. And so, if somebody's not willing to essentially respect your needs, then... I mean, to me, I'm like, "Well, how could they actually express love to you if they're asking you to neglect yourself and neglect what you're needing?" And
so, in this way, boundaries are actually an expression of love if you use them properly. And if you're not falling into one of these traps. Because to love somebody is to care for them. And you know, at least in my partnership, and this is one thing I would prescribe. I don't often prescribe things. I think things are individual to people. But one norm I would prescribe actually is to put yourself first always, and then put your partner second. So, you can still prioritize your partner above any other relationship. And I think that's fine if that's the agreement that you're making. And that's your actual preference. I don't know. But if you're thinking about your needs, but if you're actually neglecting yourself, or putting your needs on the back burner to prioritize the wants or the needs of your partner, it's going to end up in self-neglect. Which leads to resentment. Which only builds over time and just will slowly kill the relationship.
So, in this abundance paradigm, there is space for needs. Because there is space for love. And so in this way, this is how it is an invitation for connection. It's saying, I don't need you to neglect yourself to be able to love me, or for me to actually feel loved by you. I'm not going to ask you to abandon yourself. And that, to me, is love. So needs are just an invitation for connection. If you want to connect with me without asking me to sacrifice my needs, then make space for the needs. Another thing people get commonly wrong about boundaries within a war paradigm, and I've already spoken to this, but they treat them as barriers. So it's something that's getting in the way of connection. And hey, that might feel true at times, Like, let's say your partner is menstruating, and they're like, I actually do not want to be touched right now. It doesn't mean they don't like you. But because of this war paradigm, you might actually internalize it as rejection. Because you're expecting your partner to be 100% available to you as an expression of love. And if that's the cue, culturally, that you say, well, this is how I know somebody loves me. I think they're 100% in a sense of rejection, right? And if that's the fact that's the same thing, that's the same thing that's how I know somebody loves you. That's the same thing that they're going to be touched on. I mean, if they're 100% available, then anytime they're not 100% available, you know, unconsciously, it's just so normal to actually internalize that as rejection. When in reality, maybe there's a physical need there, right? If your partner's in discomfort physically, it's totally not about you. And it's actually all about them. That they just don't want to be touched in that moment because of physical discomfort. Another common mistake about boundaries is that they are a form of control, which in a war paradigm might be true because it's true, right? Like if you think of that hierarchical structure, your employer might actually be controlling you, right? Like you might be tired and want to take a nap, but you actually drink caffeine instead so you can get the output needed because your employer is in fact controlling you. Maybe you don't have autonomy over your bodily needs. Um, but this really does not translate when you're in an interpersonal relationship because again, you're not warring with your partner, ideally, if you're really enjoying your relationship. So when people are actually using boundaries as a form of control, obviously it's not facilitating trust. So a question to ask yourself is, are your boundaries about you or are they about someone else? Because when your boundary is rooted in a need, it's all about what are you needing? Not what do you need the other person to do? It's what are you willing and not willing to do? Or what are you willing and not willing to engage with? Like, I'm sure you have an example of someone in your life where you actually just had to cut them off completely because you let them know, Hey, I'm not willing to engage with you when you're physically violent towards me. I mean, that's an example, right? I don't know if that's relatable to you. To me, it is actually. So, um, and it's like, okay, if you can't stop being physically violent with me, I actually just, I can't keep doing this. I'm so sorry. And it's not like I'm controlling the other person. I'm saying, Hey, stop being physically violent with me. I'm not like tying them down or, you know, like putting a restraining order or something like that. Um, but I'm just saying, yeah, I, I I need some level of physical safety in order to connect. And if that's not available, then I actually just, I can't connect with you because the invitation for connection is not being received on the other end.
So we can look at what is the difference between a request and a demand. A request is usually just saying, Hey, this is my need. I would like for this need to get met, but you actually don't have control over how the other person responds.
Um,
like let's say you're boycotting the billionaires who are like destroying the planet. Um, you know, there's so many degrees of separation between, um, like who works for them versus how you can actually directly send your message to the person who's running the company and destroying the planet. Um, they're obviously unwilling to connect and they're unwilling to listen. And so in a scenario like that, where there's zero collaboration and it is having a harmful impact on the collective, you know, it's like, okay, we demand rights. We demand safety. We demand health. We demand fair wages. We demand healthcare X, Y, Z. And so of course there's a time and a place for that, but a demand is not collaborative. And so in nature, it is a war characteristic, right? You're not on the same team when you're making a demand versus a request. It's an invitation. It's like, this is my need. Are you able to speak to me with compassion? Okay. If not, I'm going to walk away. It's not, you have to do something. So are your boundaries about you or are they about someone else?
Another common form of control that I see sneaking its way into partnerships, particularly in non-monogamous dynamics, um, is when rules get created. So I actually really commonly see this for couples who are actually just opening up their relationship for the first time. What starts off as an agreement, let's say, um, okay, the agreement to get started here is that we're not going to have sleepovers at our house because we share a bed and there's no other bedroom. Um, let's say for example, well, it starts off as an agreement, but then over time things start to shift. Um, you know, how, how can you know what you're going to want or need from an experience that you've never had? And so you start experiencing a whole new paradigm of relating non-monogamy, and then it's time to actually revisit the agreements because maybe the needs or even the wants are shifting. But one partner is actually kind of digging their heels in and they're kind of stuck in time and they're saying, no, this is the rule because we previously agreed to this. And so you cannot break this rule essentially. And so, you know, rules are different from boundaries in that they're stagnant. And if you think of like a ruler, you could just crack it right in half, right? It's hard, it's rigid, it's a straight line. Or if you think of, um, like a king ruling over a population, think of a, like a, a person who rules over someone, a ruler. It's again, not collaborative. And so in that way, it does make it more of like a war energy because you're not on the same team. It's saying, Hey, I still want this old boundary and this old agreement. And if you're willing to update the agreement, you're actually breaking the rules. But what's actually happening there is the person is unwilling to collaborate or even listen sometimes. Um, which, you know, no shame. Cause there's a lot of fear that comes up in non-monogamy. So where there is fear, there is control. That's the unconscious response to fear. So it's very common. Um, another common misconception about boundaries within a war paradigm is that they can be used to weaponize pain against someone else. Um, and so in that way, it's used as a form of punishment. So let's say, for example, your partner is menstruating and does not want to be touched. And so you feel hurt and you feel rejected. And so let's say the next day they're ready to be touched. And you're saying, no, actually, I don't want to touch you because, well, you act like it's your need. And even unconsciously, you might even notice that you're punishing, um, unconsciously. But, you know, even I find myself doing this unconsciously. I'm like, oh shit, I think I was in pain and unconsciously punishing. But you can always recover from that as long as you notice it and make amends, right? Like you say, hey, I'm sorry. I think I was unconsciously punishing. Whoopsie. Let's reconnect. Um, but this is an unconscious thing that happens so commonly. It's like, I feel pain and I'm in hurt. So now I'm going to pull away or I'm going to set a boundary that's really not rooted in a need. Um, but it's rooted in pain and I want you to feel pain. I want you to feel some sort of rejection. So I'm going to hold this boundary as a form of punishment or almost like a weapon that I'm, I'm weaponizing against you. And so, you know, obviously doesn't facilitate trust. It's actually pretty manipulative, um, by holding a boundary that's not rooted in a need. It's rooted in wanting somebody to feel pain. Um, you're kind of like coercing an outcome or you're, you're pressuring an outcome. Like you want someone to feel a certain way. And so you manipulate your behavior to get that kind of feeling out of them.
I think it's pretty relatable. Honestly, I would be shocked if you told me you didn't relate with at least one of these, if not all of these, because like I said, it's part of the environment that just naturally gets internalized. And so really the practice here is not shaming yourself if you notice this coming up, but simply noticing it. Because again, that creates the choice point. Oh, okay. That's part of that old paradigm. And if I'm stepping into a paradigm of love and connection, then what's the next step there? And we'll get into that in a second.
Okay. So I want to give you actually some next steps. I mean, there's a lot of great, um, theory here that we're talking about, but how do you actually apply this to your life in a practical way? So there's a very simple framework I want to offer you. And, um, it's simply acknowledging your capacity and acknowledging your desire. So the interesting thing about boundaries and internalizing them as rejection is, you know, within that word paradigm, the unconscious thought process is, oh, if you are holding a boundary, then you're disconnecting from me. And that means you don't like me or you're rejecting me. But often what happens here is the capacity piece is actually missing from the framework, right? It's, you're just assuming that there is no desire, but often it's a lot more nuanced than that. And so the way to address that nuance is to acknowledge both what is your capacity or another way of saying that is how much bandwidth do you have in this exact moment to engage in a specific behavior or conversation. And then like, what is your desire to engage in that conversation? So I'll give you just a couple of examples, right? So of course, there's a time where maybe you have a hundred percent capacity to talk about what chores need to be done around the house, but you might have zero desire to do that. Okay. But it's something that needs to be done. And so you're going to do it. Or let's say you have zero desire to talk about that, uh, what chores need to be done. And you also have, let's say like 30% capacity, then probably you're going to pass on talking about what chores need to be done. Yeah. Um, but let's apply it to relationships. So let's say that you really want to hang out with your partner. You just got off work and your partner has been off work maybe for an hour or two already, or maybe they had the day off and they're like, come on, let's hang out. And you say, you know, I really would love to hang out and I can't actually wait to hang out, but I do need just a little bit of a buffer time so I can unwind from work. Just give me like 30 minutes or, you know, give me an hour so I can rest or shower or journal or, you know, X, Y, Z, whatever it is that you need. Again, boundaries are rooted in needs before that you feel actually ready to hang out. So you're acknowledging I do want to hang out and I'm not ready yet because I have a need that is unmet. But once that need is met, I'll be more available.
Um, another example is around emotional availability. So, you know, let's say you've had like a really actually long day at work and you're just feeling emotionally like wrecked, like just depleted. And let's say you had a date night planned and maybe you were going to do some kind of like deep emotional intimacy kind of things. But who knows, like you might not actually have the capacity to go to that level of depth. And so instead of canceling the date and saying, no, I need rest time. I don't have space for this. There's like an alternate offering again, boundaries are invitations for connection. So your need is not like actually disconnectings. You're not just saying, no, let's cancel the date. You're saying, Hey, I'm actually not available for that deep emotional conversation that we planned, but this is what I would be available for. And so that's the invitation. The other person could say yes or no, or how about something else? So it's like, Hey, I actually don't have the emotional bandwidth to, to go that deep today, but I would love to cuddle and like watch a movie. If you're down for that, maybe the person is like, eh, I don't know if I want to look at a screen again, but what if we listen to an audio book together and cuddle? That sounds great.
And then another example too, is like, okay, maybe you do want to have, let's say like a repair conversation, like you're repairing from conflict and it is going to be emotional. Maybe there's some hurt feelings that want to be acknowledged. So if you don't have the bandwidth to have that conversation in that exact moment, you don't have to just reject the conversation and say, no, we're not going to repair. The practice there is of course acknowledging, you know, I really care about your feelings. I want to talk about how this impacted you and I want to repair. I just need a little bit of alone time to recharge before I'm able to go into that, that mode of getting deeply emotional because you know, what's worse than like, um, saying no to a conversation about having emotions is like actually getting into that level of depth when you don't have capacity for it. And then it maybe escalates into a bigger fight or maybe it leads into even more disconnection because somebody is feeling like, oh, you don't care. Like maybe they misinterpret your low bandwidth as like, you don't value this conversation, but there's a nuanced way to hold like, yeah, you know, I do want this and I do care about you. And this actually just isn't the time for me, you know, or like if you're hangry, right? Like you just got home from some sort of trip and you've been out for a few hours and you're hungry and you're getting kind of cranky. Like that's not the time to open up a repair conversation. So, you know, it's, this practice is just acknowledging both. What is your capacity? Um, because oftentimes the boundary comes from the capacity piece, but it can also come from a desire and saying like, Hey, actually I'm not interested in that activity. I don't want to watch a movie, you know? Um, but of course also acknowledging the desire. Lastly, I want to leave you with a way to cope with that feeling of rejection. And notice I say that feeling of rejection because 90% of the time you're actually not getting rejected. It's just that unconscious word programming coming to the surface and you're feeling as if you're rejected. And so even though you're not actually being rejected, that feeling is still valid. It's intense, right? Like it's a wave of electricity. Essentially, it's moving through your body, right? Like the nervous system is an electrical system. And so when you're feeling emotions, it is an electrical pulse that's moving through your body in some way. And that is very real, despite whether or not the rejection is perceived or if it's real, it feels real in your body. And so as long as that feeling is going to show up, I want to give you some practical tips about how to divest from that narrative that you're being rejected. So, it sounds simple, but of course, in practice, it's fucking uncomfortable. So, the more you repeat this, the more effective it's going to be and the less intense it's going to feel. So, you start off by actually just noticing when receiving a boundary feels like rejection. And if you notice this after the fact, that's fine too. But the more you get into the habit of looking out for it, ooh, there's a boundary, am I experiencing that as rejection? The more it will simply become a habit where you don't have to think about noticing it so much. And so, ideally, you want to get to the point where you're noticing it in the moment as it's happening. But the way to get there is by flexing that muscle of looking out for this common trap that people fall into. So, I think it's going to be obvious when you do feel rejected because you're going to feel it in your body. So, the next thing I'm going to offer you here is when you're noticing that feeling of rejection, just pause. Don't react to the sensations that are coming, but simply observe them. So, again, if you think of these emotions as energy that's moving through your body, imagine it as a wave that's cresting and then it crashes. The interesting thing about emotions is that if you actually give them space to run their course, they can last up to a maximum of 90 seconds, which might sound short. You think, oh, 90 seconds. But when you're experiencing discomfort for 90 seconds, it could feel like an hour. Right. But the reason I offer this framework is because it is helpful sometimes to remember this is not going to last forever. And so, how do you ground yourself as you're experiencing these sensations, you're observing them, and you're allowing them to actually just like complete their process. Take a deep breath. Take many deep breaths. So, very simple breath work technique that I offer is just breathing in through your nose for four seconds, breathing out through your mouth for eight seconds. And so, this is going to help you anchor. It's going to help slow down your heart rate. It's going to help relieve any tension in your body. So, it's not that you're going to feel completely relaxed while you're doing this, but if you're observing the body sensations without reacting to them and you have nothing to anchor yourself into, you're going to be so tensed up. You're going to be so tight and crunchy. So, this is just to kind of balance it out and it can help you have a little bit more stamina so you can make it to the 90 second point and hopefully less, you know.
The other thing I want you to do is to actually just remember this is not your truth. This is just programming. It's an illusion. So, yes, it feels real in the body and that's why you're acknowledging it in the body. You're making space for it. And just remember, this is not your truth. This is programming. And so, that just mental reminder can help you kind of like let it go, actually. So, the opposite of letting go is like clenching or holding tight. And so, the breath work also is going to help you symbolically actually just release that and not attach to that narrative of, oh, I'm being rejected or my lover doesn't care about me or they don't even like me.
And, of course, if there's other ways that you like to ground, definitely this is the moment to pull out those things, those tools and those practices for grounding. Like one thing I love to do is touch my feet on the earth or even like hug a tree or something, which is so grounding. But to each their own. I'm not going to go into it too long about grounding. It's a whole separate episode. But I'm sure you have your grounding tools that you really enjoy using. And then the last thing I want to offer you here is just to ask for reassurance if you need it. So, it could be acknowledging like, oof, I'm noticing my body is feeling kind of tense. Like I'm feeling some tension in my chest or I notice my heart rate is elevating. I think I might be feeling rejected, although I doubt that's what's actually happening. Are you feeling like you don't want to spend time with me right now or do you still like me or X, Y, Z? You just ask for reassurance. And, you know, a lot of people feel resistance to this because they think, oh, that's so embarrassing or, oh, I look so weak. But that's actually because it feels vulnerable. And, again, in contrast to war culture, vulnerability is the doorway to connection. So, if it feels scary to be vulnerable or not safe, a. k. a. if it feels weak to be vulnerable as if that's a bad thing, remember, that's part of the war paradigm. And that war paradigm is not giving you that depth of connection that you want. So, it might feel edgy for you to each their own. But if you want to explore the edge, that could be something to experiment with.
So, remember, boundaries, they're really not barriers to connection. They are deep invitations for connection. Because you're gonna know who actually loves you, like, on a deep level, not from a place of, like, oh, my ego needs to feel 100% entitled to you, or you need to be 100% available for me in order for me to feel loved. I'm talking about that deep love that transcends the ego, where you know that actually somebody cares about you, and they don't want you to sacrifice yourself or neglect yourself, that they want to know your needs, and they celebrate your needs, even if maybe they're not compatible with their needs in that exact moment. But the idea with boundaries is that they're fluid, they're always changing, because as long as you have a heartbeat and a pulse, you're always gonna be, like, ebbing and flowing with every minute of the day, you know? You might have higher capacity in some moments and lower capacity in others, even if you eat your favorite food, right? Like, let's say five days in a row for three meals a day, you might not want more of that favorite food, right? And so your desire is always shifting, too. It's all very fluid. So that's why boundaries are actually really good for deepening trust in relationships, because, you know, if you're controlling someone, or if you're not able to collaborate, it's really gonna hurt trust. And when you have those boundaries, you're essentially saying, hey, my needs matter, and I'm actually gonna love myself as an expression of love to you, because if you can't love yourself, then how on earth are you gonna love someone else? It's just gonna grow into resentment, and it's really not gonna create satisfaction over time, or even a lasting relationship over time. So I hope that relating to boundaries in this different paradigm can make it just a little bit easier for you to explore that growth edge. Peace be with you.
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