What’s Better - Monogamy or Non-Monogamy?

Trick question.

Neither is better or worse because there is no “right” way of doing relationships.

A better question to ask is:

How conscious is my relationship?

Because you can be in a monogamous relationship and fall into unconscious traps (the mainstream paradigm that leads to disconnection).

But you can also be non-monogamous and fall into those very same traps.

And, likewise, you can be in a monogamous relationship that is very conscious.

And you can also do non-monogamy very consciously.

So it’s not about which format is “better” or “right” or “wrong”.

It’s about how conscious are you relating?

And if you notice your brain trying to find the “right” answer— keep in mind that hierarchical ways of thinking and relating is part of that unconscious (war) paradigm.

Conscious Relating is all about authenticity.

Regardless of societal norms, what feels true to you?

What feels true for your partner?

And what feels true for your dynamic as a couple?

The old world order has attempted to commodify relationships, but this is unnatural.

There may be aspects of the mainstream cultural way of relating that you resonate with.

(monogamy or marriage, for example)

But more likely than not, there are many ways that your truth simply does not fit into the mold.

(For example, having your own room or sleeping in separate beds.)

The mainstream way of relating is a paradigm of disconnection.

We’re still living in a world where war is normalized.

And there are countless ways that war norms unconsciously slip into your relationship norms.

And so relating unconsciously (the default paradigm) always leads to disconnection.

No one in their right mind would consciously choose to empower a war paradigm (aside from a psychopath like Putin).

So, how do you relate consciously?

First, you must understand what the unconscious war norms are.

Some examples are:

• turning against each other when conflict arises

• not setting enough boundaries

• enmeshment

• etc.

Just to name a few!

If you want to learn more unconscious patterns that lead to disconnection and quietly erode your relationship over time, check out this podcast episode.

And, btw, it’s not just for monogamous couples—

but anyone who lives with their primary partner.

Identifying the unconscious relationship norms then creates the opportunity for you to do something different.

This is where the shadow work comes in.

You observe your patterns and work with them.

Your partner does the same.

And then as a couple, you come together and do couple’s shadow work.

For example:

You might have a pattern of not taking up too much space in the relationship (out of fear that you’re “too much”).

Your partner might have a pattern of not setting enough boundaries — AKA overgiving.

Because you know your partner might be overgiving, this reinforces your shadow pattern of suppressing your feelings & needs in fear that your partner might overgive to you.

Because if they chronically overgive they might resent you and eventually want to leave the relationship.

So how do you unhook from each other’s shadow patterns?

This is the art of couple’s shadow work— understanding how your patterns interact & knowing what to do when they show up.

The Conscious Couple, my 4 month signature course, is designed to help you do just that.

Join the waitlist now and save hundreds.

Or if you’d like 1:1 support, you can book a couple’s session here.

So which one is “right” for you?

Monogamy or non-monogamy?

Or is that something you’re still trying to figure out?