People Pleasing in Relationships — Why It Happens, How It Hurts, and How to Heal
Chapters:
1. What People-Pleasing Actually Is (Beyond Being “Nice”)
Why minimizing yourself, suppressing needs, and self-erasure are survival strategies—not personality traits.
2. How Trauma Creates Automatic Self-Suppression
Growing up in environments where it wasn’t safe to have feelings, needs, or opinions.
3. Patriarchy, War Culture, and Emotional Shutdown
How living in a culture of dominance and hierarchy conditions people to abandon themselves.
4. Fear of Rejection and the Myth of “Too Much”
Why people-pleasers believe their emotions and needs will break the relationship.
5. Why Suppressing Feelings Eventually Backfires
How emotional suppression leads to overwhelm, emotional explosions, and relational burnout.
6. Disconnection From Self Creates Disconnection From Partner
Why intimacy requires authenticity—and why self-abandonment kills depth.
7. Resentment: The Hidden Cost of Overgiving
How unmet needs quietly build bitterness and eventually destroy desire.
8. When People-Pleasing Turns Into Repulsion
Why relationships often end suddenly when resentment has been building unconsciously.
9. The Trust Problem No One Talks About
How saying “yes” when you mean “no” creates subconscious mistrust and relational confusion.
10. Why Inauthenticity Feels Unsafe (Even When It’s Polite)
How misalignment between words, actions, and feelings erodes emotional safety.
11. Boundaries as the Foundation of Trust
Why expressing needs and limits actually strengthens intimacy instead of threatening it.
12. You Have Boundaries Even If You Don’t Express Them
Why pretending to have no needs is neither natural nor sustainable.
13. Fear of Disappointing Your Partner
Learning to tolerate discomfort instead of sacrificing yourself.
14. Short-Term Friction vs. Long-Term Security
Why boundaries may create tension initially—but deepen trust over time.
15. People-Pleasing and the Risk of Betrayal
How avoiding boundaries can lead to broken agreements, missed commitments, or infidelity.
16. Practicing Boundaries Where It’s Safest
Why intimate relationships are often the best place to unlearn people-pleasing patterns.
17. The Courage to Risk Rejection
Why healing requires testing whether there is actually space for your truth now.
18. Why Staying Small Guarantees Suffering
How avoiding risk ensures resentment, exhaustion, and emotional starvation.
19. Conflict, Safety, and Emotional Maturity
Learning to navigate tension without collapse, avoidance, or self-abandonment.
20. Letting Others Have Their Reactions
Why your partner’s feelings are not your responsibility to manage.
21. Taking Inventory of Your Boundaries
Clarifying what behaviors you are and are not willing to engage with.
22. Needs Beneath Boundaries
Understanding that every boundary is rooted in a legitimate human need.
23. Equal Giving and Receiving in Healthy Relationships
Why people-pleasers often give more than they receive—and how to change that.
24. Imagining a Relationship Built From Scratch
Using vision to reconnect with desire, needs, and self-trust.
25. From Self-Erasure to Self-Respect
How expressing boundaries becomes an invitation for deeper love.
26. Healing People-Pleasing as a Somatic Practice
Why awareness alone isn’t enough—and how the body holds the pattern.
27. Choosing Depth Over Safety
Why true intimacy requires courage, vulnerability, and risk.
28. Reflection: What Do You Actually Need in Love?
Questions to help you reclaim authenticity, trust, and relational pleasure.
If you're listening to this podcast, you might be one of the many people who fall into people-pleasing patterns. Say that three times fast. Um, I myself fall into people-pleasing patterns. Of course, I know what to do when they show up. And so that's what I'm going to share with you today because I am an expert by experience. Um, we're going to look at why is people-pleasing so common? Cause it really is like, I see this all the time in sessions I do with folks. And of course in my own life and even in relationships I'm in, um, I see it in people every day. We're going to look at how it hurts your relationship over time and how to recover. So let's get into it. What if your sacred partnership could be a source of pleasure and stability amidst the chaos of these times? I'm your host, Forrest Williams, certified relationship coach and disciple of love. And I help you learn the art of trust by waking up from unconscious patterns so you can enjoy the pleasure of relating.
So let's start off with just a definition of people-pleasing. What is it in a nutshell? It's putting yourself second and putting somebody else first, or maybe in some cases it's putting the group first, but what we're going to look at today, of course, is in a romantic context. Um, and so when you are people-pleasing, you are in a way kind of minimizing yourself. You're not expressing yourself authentically or fully. You might be not saying something. So if you a preference or an opinion or a feeling or even something that you're needing, um, it's something that you're not expressing, you're just kind of making yourself a little bit smaller so that there can be room for somebody else. Um, so it's kind of in a way giving your power away to someone else. Um, and of course this doesn't always happen consciously. It usually comes from somewhere. So sometimes it can come from a trauma response. Like maybe you grew up in a home where it actually wasn't safe to express yourself authentically. Um, I don't know. Well, I do know why patriarchy, but it seems to me like there's this big patriarchal phenomenon where people's dads in particular growing up would just go from zero to a hundred with no, um, notice, like things would just escalate. And, you know, patriarchy doesn't really teach men how to relate to their emotions at all. And then it teaches men that anger is the emotion for men. Um, which of course is just a construct. That's not truth, but there is this cultural phenomenon, um, where, you know, not always, but a lot of the time it is the dad who like everyone has to walk around eggshells, especially if your dad, um, had a problem, which also seems to be like really common. Or maybe I just attract to that kind of people. I don't know what's going on here. I see it all the time. And so this is just one scenario where maybe it's not safe to express yourself authentically in your house. Maybe there is a risk of physical violence or even just a fear of physical violence. I've nothing physical ever happened, but there could also be like intimidation in response to, um, you know, just like having needs, having feelings, you know, like a lot of people grow up and they're just like not allowed to have space for their feelings. They get in trouble for it. Myself. I was, um, always like threatened to be punished if I was crying, but like, I'm so sensitive. Okay. I have a moon in Pisces. And so I had to really learn how to just like minimize my feelings because it actually wasn't safe. Um, but it could also not be safe to express yourself authentically in an emotional way. Maybe you get bullied. Um, and this could happen at school. It doesn't have to happen at home necessarily. Um, but you know, we just generally live in a society that's dominated by a paradigm of war and empire imperialism. And so generally within that kind of like hierarchical war culture, there just isn't space for you to express yourself or even to have needs. Um, and so this definitely trickles down to a micro level in the home or at school, or even in a friend group, maybe you get made fun of for having feelings or having needs. And so part of it is a trauma response, That's why it can be so hard to notice it when it's happening, happening in the moment. Um, because if you learned it's not safe to actually make space for yourself within a relationship dynamic, it's just going to be this survival mechanism that happens on its own, um, where you're just going to minimize yourself automatically without even realizing it because it's become programming. You know, the more you repeat something, um, the more it just actually runs like a program. So it's really hard to notice it sometimes, or maybe you're in that phase where you've done some work around it. Maybe you've done some therapy or done psychedelic healing or, you know, some kind of healing modality or shadow work. And you're like, okay, I'm realizing I'm people pleasing, but like, where do I go from here? And we'll cover that. Um, so first I want to say really it's people Dispaying is the phenomenon of minimizing yourself, not giving yourself space for your feelings and your needs or whatever is coming up for you. Sometimes it's because you had a traumatic past where it wasn't safe to do that. There actually was no space. And so you've just gotten used to, um, kind of internalizing that in eliminating the space for yourself. So maybe others kind of eliminated the space for you to be when you were younger and now you're doing that to yourself for your own safety, but we can look at, are you safe to do it Or not? And we'll look at that. Um, but another piece of it too comes from a fear of being alone, a fear of being rejected. So it's this idea of what if my feelings are too big? I see so many people who say, Oh, I'm too emotional. And of course my response, Pisces Moon. Okay. I'm like, your emotions are beautiful. Like you're a human. What were you expecting? You know, like some people are more emotional than others, but there's a reason for emotions. They have wisdom. They're not coming from nowhere. Um, and so to express your emotions is actually to be in relationship. Um, cause if you don't have space for your own emotions, you're sort of out of relationship with yourself in a way. And if you're not fully showing up as yourself, then how can you fully relate to another person? So this is one example. Oh, my feelings are too big. I'm too emotional. Let me just dim those down or tuck those away. Um, there's this idea that if you are too emotional or you express your feelings too much, the relationship can't handle that. And it's going to break the relationship. Or similarly, maybe your needs are going to break the relationship. There's that fear of what if I'm too needy, quote unquote, which really, you know, again, it's normal for a human being to have needs, food, shelter, water, the basics, but there's emotional needs. There's relational needs. You have a need for emotional safety, even for emotional connection, or we can look at emotional intimacy, like a closeness and a vulnerability. Um, and so what we've been programmed to believe within a society that really worships war where it's not safe to have needs because you get called being too needy with literally it's like, that's a normal thing. So it became an insult to have needs. And so of course, there's this common phenomenon that, um, people just think that their needs are going to break the relationship. Um, this happens all the time in session where someone's like, yeah, well, I don't want to upset my partner because I'm just so emotional. And if I overburden him with all my emotions, then like, I don't know how long it's going to last,
but when you're not expressing emotions or you're not making space for your emotions, a feels disconnecting. B there is a natural process where anything that gets suppressed is going to actually build pressure until it bottles up and explodes. And what I see actually pushing people away over time is the explosion, because that's where it feels like your feelings are out of control. Um, and that's very different from being quote unquote too emotional because when you're just being emotional, that's actually natural and that's normal. Um, but when you feel like you're out of control, it's a result from suppressing and not making space for yourself and your feelings. And then things explode and then, yeah, that over time can get kind of tiring. It can wear on a relationship.
So when this kind of phenomenon happens, this automatic self suppression, again, it's kind of like you're internalizing what you experienced in the past. So whether your parents kind of asked you to be really small in order to play a role in the family or, you know, just to survive capitalism, quite frankly, I don't think parents are malicious. They're just doing their best to survive capitalism. Um, Or whether you learn this from the playground at school or maybe like a formative relationship you have with a best friend or a lover, it doesn't matter where it came from. What's happening in present time is you're kind of living in the reverberations of that trauma response where, okay, somebody else didn't make space for you to be fully yourself. And so now you have an opportunity to find a safe space where you can be yourself, but when you're self-suppressing or self-minimizing, you might very well be attracting partners who can't hold the space for that because you're not giving them the opportunity to. And so the healing comes when you learn how to actually soften into authenticity and you soften into self-expression. So part of this people-pleasing phenomenon is this underlying narrative of you have too many feelings, you have too many needs, the relationship can't handle it. And that's rooted in past trauma. It may or may not be true in present time. It depends. And there's also this underlying belief that people just don't like you as you are. And that makes sense if that was the message you received as a kid. It's like, hey, you're showing up authentically and that's not okay. You need to tone that down. And so, of course, you internalize that belief of, well, I'm not allowed to be myself. I don't have permission. There's no space for that. And so there's this idea that your presence isn't valuable enough for you to be worthy of receiving love and even giving love in a relationship. And so there's this idea that you need to provide value by being in service. And so part of that people-pleasing dynamic is kind of a service-oriented dynamic, although a lot of the times it's happening unconsciously, or another way to say that is you're not making this conscious agreement out loud of like, hey, I'm going to be in charge here and you're going to serve me. Or for you, if you're a people-pleaser, it's like, hey, I'm going to play the role of serving you or being in service or being subservient. So it is a bit subby in a way, which of course is a little bit kinky. But if it's an unnamed role that you're playing, then I would call it like kind of unconscious kink or we can even look at unethical kink. It's a different scenario if you're like, hey, you want to play a game? I want to be subservient. Do you want to be the dom? And that's actual kink. But when it's unconscious, it just gets a little messy. So that's what's happening. The dynamics of why is people-pleasing so common? It's just a collective trauma that we're living in by surviving capitalist imperialism.
And let's look at how does it actually impact your relationship. So I think maybe you don't need me to tell you this part. It might be obvious, but it does not facilitate connection. So like I said, if you're disconnected from yourself, if you don't have full permission, if you're not giving yourself full permission to show up authentically in the relationship, you're going to be missing out on the level of connection that you could have when you're showing up authentically and your partner is showing up authentically. There's just a level of satisfaction there that you can't reach when you're not actually fully showing up to the relationship.
So that's part of it. You're not being fully authentic. And so you're not feeling as satisfied as you could be because you're not going as deep as you could be. There's not that level of vulnerability, which, you know, there's a somatic practitioner who I really like. His name is Luis Mojica. You might've heard of him. And I heard him once say that intimacy is just a state of mutual vulnerability. And I deeply resonate with that. I find that such like a beautiful and concise definition of intimacy. Because I know you asked 10 different people to give you 10 different definitions of intimacy. But when there's no like vulnerability to be your full self, there is less intimacy. And really, you know, we're living in such a disconnected world today that that level of depth when you're connecting is really missing. So that's part of what happens when you're in these unconscious patterns. You just don't feel as connected as you could. Another big thing that happens is resentment builds up. This is particularly, particularly true if you are the people pleaser. Or on the flip side, you might've experienced this from a partner who's overgiving. You have no idea they're overgiving because it's not being named. It's not this conscious kink dynamic. You're like, what's going on? Why are you so bitter with me? Why are you so irritated? Why are you so short? And that's naturally what happens when resentment builds up over time. So resentment naturally comes from an unmet need. Um, and the thing about people pleasing is that you're not fully expressing your needs. You're not fully expressing yourself emotionally. And so that's where the resentment comes in. Maybe you overgave, or maybe you didn't receive something you needed. And so there's just naturally this resentment that builds up when a need is unmet. And the more this repeats over time, the bigger the pile of buildup grows. And what this does over time, if it's not relieved or resolved, um, is it will just kill the relationship because you're going to be so burnt out. You're going to feel so disconnected. You're going to be so irritated. You might even start feeling repulsed by your partner. And trust me, I know from experience. I used to have this pattern where, um, man, I would just fall into these unconscious patterns, you know, the overgiving or the things I'm not saying in relationship, because I did grow up in a violent household. It really was not safe for me to take up space. Um, and so that translated into my relationships as me just unconsciously being in this subservient role and then just feeling absolutely resentful. And it would reach a point, I think it was like around the six month mark where I would actually just feel repulsed by the person and just couldn't stand them at all. And they were so confused when I would end things and they're like, where did this come from? But it had been building unconsciously the whole time. And so, you know, that's just my pattern. This is not a formula. Maybe you can relate in your own way. I think it does show up for people uniquely, but there's a general theme here. Um, and so if there is unmet needs, something that's not being expressed, whether it's a desire or a need, it does build resentment over time. And that resentment just kills desire. It's not romantic and it's not connecting. So the other impact that people pleasing has on relationships is that it hurts trust. How does it hurt trust? Well, the inauthenticity is something that's not named exactly because there's a lot that's not being said in a people pleaser, but the person who's interacting with the people pleaser, it's just this intuitive felt sense where you can feel like, okay, what you're saying and what you're doing is off. So like the most common example I think is, you know, somebody is like, Hey, are you upset? And you're like, no, but you're obviously upset or like, Hey, does this you? Like, do you want to have some friends over tonight? And your truth is like, no, I don't. But then you invite friends over and you can just tell that you don't want friends over. Like you're not in a social mood or whatever's going on. Maybe you're emotional. You just need some space. Maybe you're not, you know, not in the vibe to be connecting with other people. And so there's just something that's like a felt sense of like, okay, what you're saying and what you're doing, isn't matching up. And on a deeply subconscious level, again, it's very intuitive. Humans can sense this. You can sense when somebody is out of alignment with what they're saying and what they're doing or how they're behaving. And so that misalignment between what's being said and what's being expressed or what's being done, it hurts trust. And I don't think this is a conscious thing people are thinking of, but on a subconscious level, that's what's going on. Um, you trust people when they do what they say. That's part of it. Trust is a huge category. Um, and so in this way, boundaries can actually feed trust. And you might think as a people pleaser, you might be like, Oh God, I'm afraid to have boundaries. Cause what if it's not safe? What if I get rejected? What if there is no space for my boundaries and it actually breaks the relationship? And look, that does happen sometimes. Um, but also there's relationships where there is space for that. You have to have the boundaries. You have to experiment in order to find out who can hold that and who can't. Cause not everyone is your childhood experience. Not everyone is your school bully or your parents who were dealing with their own unprocessed trauma to like make space for your emotions. Um, so everyone has boundaries because at the end of the day, your boundary is informed by your need. Okay. So if you need some space to emotionally process, if you need to go inwards, maybe just take a hot bath with some Epsom salts and a candle, maybe you're not in the mood to have friends over. Um, that's a boundary. The boundary is not saying don't bring friends over the boundary is saying, Oh sure. You can bring friends over if you want, but I'm not going to engage. I don't have the space for that because I need to tend to myself right now. Or maybe there is a need around, oh, I really just don't have the space to have a lot of energy in the house. I need a quiet kind of night, you know? And so the boundary can look a million different ways, but underneath the boundary is always a need. And so everyone has needs because you're human. You have needs. That's just part of what you signed up for when you came to earth. And so in that way, boundaries are authentic. Whereas somebody who has no needs, AKA someone who has no boundaries, that's just not realistic. It's not natural and it's not authentic. And so if you're not expressing your needs, if you're pretending as if you have no boundaries, you're just defaulting to the other person's needs or even preferences, um, it's going to come off as inauthentic. And again, it's like this felt thing on a subconscious level. And so there might be this tension brewing around, um, it's like, why don't I feel like I could fully trust you? Or why do I feel irritated with you? Because you're not expressing your desires or your opinions or your preferences or like your needs. Why am I feeling this irritation by that? It's because on a subconscious level, you can feel the inauthenticity and trust comes from transparency. So if there's something that's not being expressed, not being said, it comes off as inauthentic and it comes off as untrustworthy. Your partner might start to doubt you. Or if it's on the flip side, maybe you've experienced this and you're like, I don't know if I can trust what you're saying. You're saying, yes, you do want to hang out, but do you actually? And so it doesn't facilitate trust in that way. It kind of creates this mystery and this doubt in this suspicion, which is an energy that's distracting away from intimacy, from vulnerable, deep connection.
So just because you don't express boundaries doesn't mean you don't have them. And of course it's fucking scary to express boundaries when you have a, when you're a people pleaser, because
In the past, there was a fear. Maybe you did get rejected. Maybe your best friend abandoned you, or maybe a lover broke up with you because they're like, yeah, I actually don't have space for your needs. And that is painful. But when you're living from that place of, okay, my lesson that I've learned from that experience is that there is no space for me. I'm unlovable. If I have needs or feelings, you're going to keep perpetuating that dynamic because you're going to continue to draw in people who actually don't have space for your needs or your feelings. And so in the short term, of course, this can cause some friction. Maybe even if your partner doesn't leave you, like your boundaries, aren't going to break the relationship. You might be dating someone who is sensitive to rejection. Maybe that's a trigger for them. Um, I think that's a really common thing as well. And so that also can make it hard to hold a boundary because you're like, well, I don't want my partner to feel rejected. Like I love them and I'm not rejecting them, but they're experiencing my unavailability to hang out in this exact moment as rejection. So yeah, it causes friction in the short term, but that can be coped with. And if you want to get into coping with that, um, I'm facilitating a couple of different workshops in the upcoming months that help you actually process these triggers of giving a boundary and receiving a boundary. Cause it's nice to talk about it, but to actually put it into practice and like process that discomfort in your body, that's, what's going to help you practice this in real life. Um, so you can work through the friction in the short term, but in the longterm, you're going to be actually deepening trust. And honestly, this might be healing for both of you. Um, cause if your partner is unable to actually receive a boundary or to receive a no, um, it's not helping you in expressing yourself authentically. You might feel like you're walking on eggshells and that's just not going to feed trust. What's feeding trust over time is authenticity. It's transparency. It's just feeling like it's safe enough to express yourself and what's actually coming up for you. You do this enough times you start to reassociate. Oh, okay. I'm not being rejected. My partner loves me and maybe their, their boundary is actually helping them love me more. Um, and again, easier said than done. So if you want to put this into practice, um, you can sign up for my newsletter by going to my website, conscious relating. org. That's where I communicate all of my upcoming events. So there's a couple opportunities here to actually put this into practice and I'll be guiding you through a somatic exercise and also like a third eye visualization exercise. It's really cool energy work.
So, another piece of, if you're not actually expressing your boundaries, like, even with someone you trust, like your lover, or let's say if trust isn't as deep as it could be because of a trauma response, somebody who you love, someone who you feel close with, um, you know, how is your partner gonna trust you to hold your boundaries with a stranger? So, I mean, like, maybe a dramatic scenario is, let's say somebody's hitting on you, and you're feeling uncomfortable holding a boundary and saying, no, I'm partnered, I'm actually unavailable for this. So, that could be one example. Less dramatic example, like, the risk of cheating on your partner just because you're not holding a boundary, which is interesting because I actually saw this on, um, on, what's that show? The Queer Ultimatum on Netflix, the season two, has anyone watched that? Um, that did happen between Kyle and, what's her name? I don't remember the chick's name. Um, but that was a scenario that happened where Kyle was essentially a huge people pleaser and was feeling this tension of, like, not wanting to cheat on their partner, but ultimately couldn't say no to, was her name Carmen? I don't remember. Whatever, the other person who was, like, essentially, like, making a move to kiss her, and so she ended up kissing her and then regretting it, and that created a huge shit show. And, you know, whatever. But, that could happen, potentially. That is a scenario that does happen. A less dramatic example is, let's say, you have quality time, um, planned with your partner. So, it's called a date night, or whatever you want to call it, and maybe you're not holding your boundary at work, right? Like, can your partner trust you to show up for your commitment to spend some quality time together? If they can't trust, you can hold boundaries with a stranger. So, the good news is, it's a lot easier to practice these things with someone who you're close with. It might feel, uh, more raw or, um, tender to actually practice this with a coworker, for example, because you don't get that feedback loop with a coworker. I mean, I guess you could, if you want to engage in some emotional intimacy with a coworker, but I don't think that's the norm or even the desire most of the time. Um, whereas with your partner, if it does create some friction in the short term, you can work through that together. Like, you have that intimacy, um, to be able to navigate that.
So, what is the way forward? How do you divest from these people-pleasing patterns? Well, part of it is having a willingness to risk rejection. Are you willing to take a risk? Because, like I said, the past is the past. Maybe it's true that it actually wasn't physically safe or emotionally safe for you to express yourself authentically. Maybe that did break some relationships, or maybe that had a negative impact on your safety. Um, but there's no way to know in present time if there is space for your safety if you're not willing to give it a shot. So, maybe you did get rejected in the past. But that doesn't necessarily mean you'll get rejected today. And if you do get rejected today, it means that you're actually shedding those relationships that don't have space for your full expression. So, yeah, of course, it could be devastating and heartbreaking, especially if you're in love with someone. Um, but also the cool thing about being human is you don't just fall in love with one person. I mean, you can, if that's your life path. Um, you can fall in love multiple times over and over and over and over again, regardless of whether you're monogamous or you're non-monogamous. Humans are loving beings and they have a deep capacity for love. And so, maybe in the short term, it might cause some friction to find the, find out the truth of, can this person who I want to pursue a long-term relationship with hold me in my authentic expression? Is there space for me in this relationship? AKA, is there potential for me to feel deep satisfaction, deep level of connection in the grand scheme of my life? That can be a hard pill to swallow because maybe you feel really attached to that specific person and so you're unwilling to take a risk. But if you're unwilling to risk it, then what is a hundred percent guaranteed is that you're going to continue to live in a minimized state. Resentment's going to build. It's going to create a lot of tension and bitterness over time. It's not going to feel very connecting. It's going to feel pretty exhausting.
If anything, loving someone and feeling exhausted by, you know, the irritation or the, the built up resentment in the relationship can feel even more painful than actually just ending that relationship. Cause it's like, there's this desire for connection and it's just not available. You're missing each other and that can be really painful.
So part of being able to risk rejection is just having faith that there is space for you. You just have to find what spaces are safe. And of course that requires courage. Are you kidding me? The courage to let your heart break. Um, I have a song about this. Have I sang it here already? I have it on SoundCloud. Maybe I'll link it in the description below.
Um, but the song is about having the courage to love because it is actually impossible to love without courage because it does require vulnerability. And, um, if you're unwilling to get vulnerable in a relationship, you're just not going to feel that level of connection, that level of what's possible in love. And so it does require some courage to essentially face your fears. That's what courage is. It doesn't mean you have no fears. It means you're doing something scary. But you're consenting to doing it. You're like, okay, I don't know how this is going to go, but I'm willing to try it out. And I'm willing to risk it. Because what you have is a grander vision of this one specific relationship is not going to end my life. I'm, this isn't going to be the last time I love someone or am loved. And in fact, even if it's fucking devastating and breaking your heart to, um, lose a close partner in the short term, because maybe they can't hold space. For your truth. There's that deeper faith and that deeper knowing when you zoom out and you look at, well, this is closing a door that really wasn't open anyway. And now I'm opening so many doors, so many possibilities to actually receive a level of love and connection that I've never even known before. That is so abundant. But it does take a larger vision to motivate you to face the fear of rejection or even face the fear of conflict. Maybe you know, maybe you grew up in a home where it wasn't safe to have conflict. You know, most people in the U. S. empire did not learn conflict navigation skills. A lot of people in their family unit, they just sweep the conflict under the rug. Or maybe they literally fight it out. And then they're like, okay, conflict resolved. Or they'll pretend like it never happened. Um, and so there might be this fear of, well, if I make space for my feelings or my needs, and that creates some tension or that creates some conflict. Like, can you trust that you're actually safe now to be able to navigate that? And if it's not a safe environment, that might not be the environment for you. Or maybe, you know, if you don't feel safe engaging with that with your partner, you could try going to couples therapy and seeing if that helps you. But also maybe that's not the partner for you. Maybe that's a partner who is reinforcing this past experience you had, this old paradigm. Um, and maybe there's something more abundant waiting for you that you can't even see right now. But in order to try, you have to be willing to take a risk. Okay, maybe it creates some conflict or some tension in the short term. Are you willing to see if you can navigate that? Can you trust that's not going to break the relationship? And you know, a big part of that too is just being willing to feel the tension or the discomfort of disappointing someone. I know for me, that's hard personally. And that's something I'm continuing to practice. That's a growth edge I'm leaning into. Is like, okay, I'm aware I have a boundary. I'm aware I'm not communicating it. Oh goodness, this is probably going to be hard for this person to hear. And it's like, I know I'm not going to die and I'm safe. But, you know, when you're anticipating that tension of disappointing someone in your body, it can be hard to lean into like, okay, let me go ahead and just disappoint this person. So part of it is also a willingness to be in the discomfort of just letting people have their emotional experience in relation to your boundaries, because you have no control over how people react to your boundaries. But you can give them the opportunity to show themselves what are they available for? How deep are they available to go with you? Because if you're looking for depth, which in my opinion is where true satisfaction comes from. Not just relationship satisfaction, but life satisfaction, because if you're here, you're probably someone who enjoys connecting and the deeper you can go, the more you're going to enjoy connecting. And if you're enjoying connecting, you're going to enjoy your life. The world can be on absolute fire, okay? You have no control over that. Maybe over your local community, you can impact something. But if your relationship is feeding you in this deep level, you're going to be living a pretty fulfilling life. And I'm not saying ignore that the world is on fire, but I'm saying, you know, it's worse than having the world be on fire. It's having your relationship be on fire. It's not going to feel resourcing for you when you're navigating, you know, these collapsing systems of the old world.
So a next step I want to offer you, this will be the last thing I offer here. Is to just take an inventory of your boundaries. So what happens with people pleasers is that there's a lot of obstacles getting in the way of holding a boundary of owning your truth. And so this reflection question can actually just help you assess like, what are you willing to engage with? What are you not willing to engage with? So an example, and this is going to be different for everyone, but one example is let's say, um, you know, if you're in a people pleaser dynamic, it might be that you're attracting people who have a more dominant personality. Um, and if that is the case, it could be a dynamic where they're just constantly asking you to change that nothing you're doing is good enough and you're just constantly fawning and you're saying, okay, I'll try better. Um, but you're not really making space for you. Like, what do you need? Do you want to change? Um, and so maybe a behavior that you're willing to engage with is having appreciation expressed towards you. And if somebody is only giving you negative feedback and not giving any positive feedback, maybe that's a boundary. And so a boundary doesn't mean you just cut somebody out of your life. I made a whole episode about boundaries. You can go check that out. I go a lot deeper into what it is and what it isn't. Um, but a boundary is just you expressing a need. Okay. And so when you're expressing a need, that need is an invitation for connection at the bare minimum. You want to have a partner who just makes space for you, make space for your feelings and needs. If somebody doesn't care about your needs, in my opinion, that's not a loving relationship. You might feel attraction in your body. You might even feel adrenaline in your body. Um, if you don't have a secure relationship, there's that adrenaline of, Oh, I want this person, but are they going to leave me? But that's not love. The very bare minimum requirement for love is just having somebody validate your needs. Um, and so when you're expressing a need, it's like, Hey, I actually need a bit of appreciation here. Like if you want me to change, okay, if you have a need, you can let me know, but I'm only going to change in ways that I want to. And like, if I can't meet your needs, then maybe that's a place where we can't connect. But if you have a need, let me see if I can meet that, but please don't ask me to change who I am in order to date you. Cause that reinforces this paradigm of who you are as you are is unlovable, which is not true. If that person can't love you as you are, there's someone else who can.
So what behaviors are you willing to engage with? What behaviors are you not willing to engage with? Maybe behavior you're not willing to engage with is, Hey, don't talk to me with disrespect. Don't call me names. Don't attack me. If you're going to communicate with me, please do it compassionately. And if compassion is not available to you, let's regroup when that is more available. Cause it's normal to get into fights or tension or conflict, but it doesn't have to mean that you turn against each other. There are very skillful ways of navigating that, which I've also talked about in a previous conflict, sorry, previous podcast episode. So go check that out. Um, there's a couple, so the episode, I think it's number two about weaponizing pain, and then there's eight best practices, um, for conflict. So you can check those out.
Um, if you're in a people pleasing pattern, it might be too, that you are overgiving in your relationship. So this question of, you know, what behaviors are you willing to engage with? What are you not willing to engage with? Or another way to say that is if you could build a relationship from scratch, like you have a blank page, this is a fantasy relationship. You could just create your own world. What would that relationship be like? What would it look like? What would it feel like? And for people pleasers, I think a huge upgrade would feel like there's an equal giving and receiving in the dynamic. Cause if you're a people pleaser, you might actually feel like you're giving more than you're receiving. So just asking yourself, what are my needs in a relationship, AKA, what are my boundaries? Um, this can be the start to making some momentum forward because you can't express something that you don't know. And it might feel hard to know what you need because if there's this program, that's just having you automatically minimize it without thinking about it, you might just be disconnected from what you're needing. So sitting down, reflecting on this could be when you're doing dishes, when you're driving, if you want to like journal, you can do that. But just reflecting on what is the bare minimum? What do I need in a relationship? And then what do I want in a relationship? Like if I could just have it my way, what would it look like? What would it feel like? What would we be witnessing in the dynamic? what would be happening? What wouldn't be happening? This is a great place to start because you can't take action. if there's no awareness on what you want to take action on. And again, if you want the practical support, um, to move through the somatic triggers around both giving a boundary and receiving a boundary, you might be interested in some workshops that are coming up that I'll be hosting. The best way to find out about those is to join my newsletter by going to my website, consciousrelating. org. That's where I let everybody know about the upcoming events, um, cause it's always changing. So you could just stay tuned there and I will be posting podcasts every other week. So every other Friday I release podcasts. I'm going to continue doing this. Um, maybe there's something that you want me to talk about. So let me know in the comments. Um, what is on your mind? Is there a specific situation in your relationship that you want some support with? I might be able to address that in a podcast episode. Um, or maybe there's just a general topic. So maybe it's a pattern that you're facing. Like maybe you're having trouble feeling your feelings. You're like, I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling. So just tell me in the comments, like, what do you want to hear? And I'll see what I can do. So that's all I have for you today. Um, my wish for you is that in your heart, you can feel an abundance of peace and an abundance of pleasure. And of course that happens with some effort. It's not the default way of existing in capitalist imperialism, but knowing what to practice and cultivating the self-awareness can get you to that place of feeling peace and feeling I mean, that's, what's all about, you know, like earth can be such a pleasurable place if you're not living in trauma all the time. So cheers to healing and cheers to deepening pleasure and intimacy and relationship. Thanks for being here.
