Creating a Conscious Relationship Culture

Chapters:

1. Why Most Relationship Advice Isn’t Working Anymore
How outdated norms around love, gender, and attachment keep people stuck in cycles of burnout and disconnection.

2. What “Relationship Culture” Actually Means
Why your personal struggles in love aren’t just personal—they’re cultural.

3. Unconscious Relating vs. Conscious Partnership
The difference between reacting from conditioning and choosing how you relate.

4. How Patriarchal Conditioning Shapes Intimacy
Why dominance, self-abandonment, and emotional suppression are learned—not natural.

5. The Cost of Performing in Relationships
How people-pleasing, role-playing, and fear of conflict erode trust over time.

6. From Survival Strategies to Secure Connection
How attachment wounds and trauma responses get mistaken for personality traits.

7. Why Communication Skills Alone Aren’t Enough
The missing nervous-system and somatic layer in most relationship advice.

8. Responsibility Without Blame
How conscious relationships handle harm, repair, and accountability without punishment.

9. The Role of Consent Beyond Sex
Why consent applies to emotional labor, conflict, time, and capacity—not just physical intimacy.

10. Creating Safety Instead of Control
How true security comes from attunement, not reassurance-seeking or micromanaging.

11. Slowing Down as a Radical Relational Act
Why presence, pacing, and nervous-system regulation change everything.

12. What Secure Love Feels Like in the Body
Somatic signs of trust, openness, and grounded intimacy.

13. Relationships as a Spiritual Practice
How intimacy becomes a site for awakening, healing, and growth—not perfection.

14. Moving From Transactional Love to Devotional Love
Letting go of scorekeeping, roles, and conditional care.

15. Why Conscious Relationships Are Countercultural
How choosing awareness disrupts systems built on fear, domination, and disconnection.

16. Building a New Relationship Paradigm Together
Why we need shared language, practices, and values—not just “better partners.”

17. Reflection: How Are You Participating in Relationship Culture?
Questions to explore where unconscious norms may still be running the show.

Every relationship has its very own unique culture. So you can call us a couple culture, you can call us a relationship culture, every relationship has one, but is yours intentional? Or we could look at how intentional is it? If I were to take a wild guess, I would say more likely than not, it's probably not intentional. It's just not a cultural norm in the U. S. empire and in many, you know, like modern societies. That you actually sit down and you create some conscious agreements around like, what is this relationship about? Um, like what's the purpose? What are you up to together? Um, and what are you practicing together? What are some values that you share and what does that look like in action? It is very rare in today's world that people get together on the same page, let alone like document this, right? Like, but it, man, it's hugely impactful because you can prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict this way by actually just getting super duper clear on your agreements. This can help you both feel more secure in the relationship. It can help deepen trust. Can help you bounce back, um, from tension or from conflict or from hard times. Um, you could think of the container as something to hold you in place. It's kind of like buckling your seatbelt before going on a bumpy ride. So you're not just being tossed all around the car. You're like kind of held in place by this container. The container is holding you. Um, so it's honestly really simple. I'm going to offer you some places to reflect. Um, you might even learn what is actually informing your relationship culture. If you haven't already consciously established the culture, um, where are you getting stuck? Spoiler, people get stuck on fear. It's classic human conundrum. Okay. But we'll look at what is the specific fear that comes up around creating some conscious relationship agreements and how do you move through that? Um, and then of course, I'm going to offer you a framework that you can use to create some conscious agreements for yourself. So let's get into it. What if your sacred partnership could be a source of pleasure and stability amidst the chaos of these times? I'm your host, Forrest Williams, certified relationship coach and disciple of love. And I help you learn the art of trust by waking up from unconscious patterns so you can enjoy the pleasure of relating.

So let's start by actually looking at what is really running the show. If you haven't consciously come together and made some agreements. Um, so what's happening if you haven't consciously made agreements is that there are unconscious

expectations that are actually running the show. Okay. Where do these expectations come from? Three things. Um, your past experience, cultural norms, um, and your preferences, your desires. So when we look at past experience, let's just say, um, an example is monogamy, right? Like every relationship you've ever been in is monogamous. And so you just assume that your partner is also just defaulting to monogamy. Um, and you know, I've, I've seen a lot of dynamics in session and this comes up a lot where actually that's, that's not the case for people. People have different preferences or sometimes that preference comes out like 20 years into a relationship. And the person who married this person is like, I didn't know that we, he was going to want to open up the relationship. Like, I don't want this. What do I do now? Do we end things or do I, do I compromise? So getting ahead of this, um, can really like save you some stress, um, and help you just like, you know, move through the tension in the longterm can help invest in the longevity of the relationship. Um, so that's an example of past experience, how it informs relationships or maybe in a past relationship, um, there was a norm that maybe was kind of toxic or shadowy where you were always putting your partner first and you were expected to be put second. Maybe it was kind of patriarchal or something even. Um, and so maybe you're just assuming like, Oh, I'm dating a man. And so he's going to expect this from me, but like, I don't know, maybe that's true or maybe not. But if it's not spoken, it's going to be something that's unconsciously driving the relationship. Or probably what's more common is maybe the guy isn't expecting that from you, but maybe you have this unconscious expectation that he is. And so maybe you get super freaking defensive whenever he asks anything of you or you feel really guarded or protected. Um, so if you're able to make a conscious agreement around that, you actually might be able to relax into the relationship a little bit more. Um, a cultural norm. Uh, I want to give you an example of that. So, I mean, really, if, if you live in the modern world, to some degree, um, you're being influenced by war culture, um, especially in the US empire and other nations with the history of imperialism, war is not only normalized, but it's really glorified. If you've ever seen an ad for the Marines or for the army, it's actually like insane propaganda. Um, the fact that the military gets discounts on stuff is actually like insane to me. Um, but anyways, it's, it's, it's hard to separate the war norms out from cultural norms. Cause that's just a big part of like modern day imperialist societies. So, um, like, let's just say one example is maybe you turn against each other when there's a conflict. Like you feel like there needs to be a winner and a loser. Somebody has to be right. Somebody has to be wrong. That's just one example of what you're expecting. It's like, Oh, we disagree on something or there's a fight. There's some sort of conflict.

Um, and then of course your preferences, your desires. So, um, you know, I know actually there are some people who, um, who are kind of like kinky and are sexually very open, um, and curious and kind of exploratory. And they're interested in non-monogamy or let's say even, um, like I have a client who is hetero flexible is what he says. He's hetero, um, romantic, but he likes to hook up with guys here and there, but he can live without it. It's not like something he hard needs in a relationship. He's like, yeah, whatever. It's fun. I like to explore. Um, but it's not like something that he needs to be in a relationship. And then there's people who are like, yeah, I mean, non-monogamy is fun. I love going to an orgy or a play party or having like a partner. I like to hook up with, but I don't need it. Like it's nice to have, but it's like a hard need. So it's like a preference. Um, and so this is what informs your expectations or these past experiences, um, these cultural norms and your preferences or your desires.

So a good place to start, if you have not already created some conscious agreements is actually just to sit and reflect on like, what are your unconscious expectations? What are your past experiences, um, that have shaped the way that you're relating to your current partner or what you're expecting from the relationship dynamic? Like, how do you expect your partner, um, to act during a conflict or during maybe a moment when you're in need? Do you expect them to proactively reach out or do you expect them to wait and have you ask for help? You know, there's so many tiny little details, um, and it's unique for everyone. And what I find is that it's actually very rare that two people who grew up in two completely different houses, two completely different, like family cultures, let alone like larger cultures. If they're like an immigrant, if they grew up in the South side of Chicago versus like Southern Arizona, you know, there's like so many different subsets of cultures within subsets of cultures. Um, very rarely, um, do two people actually come together and share the same expectations. And so this is a way that conflicts often come up, but very easily can be avoided if you just consciously name things. So you're not operating on these unconscious expectations and then getting upset when your expectations are mismatched. So conflict, normal part of relationships, it's going to happen regardless of whether you try to avoid it or not. It's a healthy part of relationships. So it's going to be there and. Um, and there's already the conflict between, um, you know, a misalignment happening. So let's say you want to go, um, spend the weekend hiking and your partner wants to spend the weekend, uh, like gardening and you're like, oh, we're not syncing up here. This is a very light example. Um, or an even deeper example is maybe like, maybe your partner is really wanting kids and you're kind of indifferent. You're like, I don't know if I can afford it. I don't know if it's worth it. I like the idea of it, but is it realistic? Um, there's already the tension of having that misalignment. You're wanting different things, um, or you're just, you're just not flowing in the same direction. So you need to kind of work through it. But when there's these unconscious expectations that are not named, it adds even more friction to the misalignment, um, because you're actually reacting not only to the misalignment, but to the fact that you're expecting it to be aligned, but it's not, does that make sense? So it might feel frustrating of like, like, why aren't you putting away the dishes when you're done cooking? Like, this is what is done, right? Because maybe that's your past experience in a partnership or in your house or, or for yourself. Maybe that's your preference. Maybe that was the cultural norm growing up in your home. Maybe you grew up in like a very strict, organized household and there wasn't a lot of like lacks, um, or flexibility. And so you feel that rigidness when your partner is like relaxing around the dishes, not washing them immediately. Maybe they wait like half a day or even a whole day before they wash them. Um, and so there's already that tension of like, okay, you're relating to the dishes differently. Maybe that's kind of stressful. Um, cause you feel this urge to have order and cleanliness, but then there's the additional upset about like the misinterpretation of what are you making that mean? That your partner is not relating to the dishes the same way as you are. Um, maybe it's like, oh yeah, my partner just doesn't care or my partner, um, wants me to work harder than I need to, or my partner's a misogynist thinks I'm just going to take care of it because I'm a woman or, or whatever the thing is like, I mean, maybe that's I don't know, but a lot of the times it's an interpretation, um, based on an expectation that hasn't been named and really you're just relating to things differently. So, you know, the dishes is a tiny mundane example. I think it's pretty freaking relatable. It's probably the most relatable conflict source there is. Um, but what we're looking at in this conversation actually is making agreements for the relationship itself. So let's look at another example. I think that is taking it a step deeper and is also pretty relatable. So, um, you know, I see this in myself and I, I see this in clients a lot, um, where there's this unconscious agreement that one person in particular is going to put their needs second and they're going to cater to their partner's needs. And this happens particularly when the partner is having a really hard time, like actually just regulating their own emotions. Um, so it could be jealousy. That's a common scenario, but it could also just be, you know, if there's a pattern of suppressing your desires or your wants, um, or your needs. And then you get into a certain scenario where you're like, Oh, I've actually crossed my own boundary. Like, and then you blow up and you get really emotional. That's a really common scenario that happens. And so if one particular person in the relationship is having a really hard time, like actually regulating their emotions, maybe they get super anxious or, um, they blow up and they're realizing like, I've gone too far. This isn't actually comfortable for me. I'm backing out and I'm lashing out at you in the process and they're expecting you to cater to them and to help them essentially like process their emotions for them. Um, there's a difference between like showing empathy and being supportive and being someone's crutch actually emotionally. Um, and so it could be this unnamed expectation around putting your needs second and putting your partner's needs first. I see this actually a lot. Um, and it's hard too, because like, for example, I have one client right now who's been in a relationship for five years. Um, and this has been the dynamic since day one. And it's interesting too, right? Cause like they started off in COVID where it was a totally different, like set of, um, like norms in that time, like cultural norms around like the social isolation. And so there is like kind of this codependent conditioning that happens. Maybe you can relate to this. Um, like you don't, you're not aiming for that, but that's just how it turns out because of the way that society was structured at that time. You're living together, you're sharing a lot of experiences. There's a bit of enmeshment. And so when that sets the tone for the relationship, it can be kind of hard to get out of that. Um. Especially if, let's say if the partner who's having a really hard time regulating their emotions all of a sudden notices that you are showing up differently and you are putting yourself first, you know, they might actually freak out at that. They might misinterpret that as rejection of like, what, you don't care about me? Why aren't you processing my emotions for me? Why aren't you cutting off all your friends so you can hang out with me because I'm feeling jealous? Right? Like little things like that, um, that aren't sustainable in a long-term relationship. And so the sustainable thing would be, you know, you take care of yourself first, you put your needs first. Um, and then you meet, you know, in the place where you're not having to sacrifice yourself. That's a long-term sustainable relationship. But if this is not a spoken agreement, right? And the unconscious expectation is already that you are going to pause everything in your life so that you can cater, um, to your partner's emotions. It's just going to be really messy, right? It's like being on a bumpy ride with no seatbelt. You just get tossed around. It's very emotional. It's volatile. Are we breaking up? Do you not like me anymore? There's a lot of room for misinterpretation. Um, so this particular client actually, um, what he's working on is creating some conscious agreements with his partner. Um, and I'm going to give you a strategy for how to do this because. You know, sometimes it's a touchy subject. People get kind of freaked out when they're like, why are you relating to me differently all of a sudden? Why do you want to approach things differently? Are you losing interest in me? It can trigger some insecurities. So there is a strategic way to do it. And we'll cover that. Actually, you know, I think let's just actually touch on that right now. So, um, there's this practice that I personally like to call creating a juicy invitation. Um, and it's really simple, right? The idea is that you just want to present an idea in a way that's both collaborative. And that is going to emotionally appeal to your partner. If you're already emotionally invested in creating a container for your relationship, because you've listened to this podcast, maybe, but let's say your partner hasn't. How can you present this idea in a way that can actually help them become emotionally invested as well? So I'm not saying to manipulate them or to be a salesperson. You don't want to lie because that's not going to build trust, but you want to look at how does it benefit both of you to have these relationship agreements in place? Um, and you know, if you're here listening to this podcast, it's more likely than not that you're interested in long-term relating. Okay. Um, and so that's a really common unifier is like, you know what? I was just thinking how much I love you and how much I value our relationship. And I really want to create the structure actually to see like how far and how deep this thing can go. Would you be interested in like getting together and creating some structure around that? Have an idea of what we can do? Heard this podcast about creating conscious agreements and how it can help us deepen security and trust and intimacy. Would you be interested in that? And maybe your partner is like, I have no idea what that is, but I am definitely interested in long-term relating with you. And so I'll give it a shot, right? Or if there's something very specific to you, um, it's like, Hey, I know we fight a lot and we love each other so much. We really don't enjoy fighting. I wonder if we were like to create some conscious agreements around our relationship. I wonder if that could help us like be more resilient through these fights. Like maybe we can recover more quickly and maybe we can even have fights less often. Like, wouldn't that be amazing? We can just enjoy the pleasure of being in each other's company, just the pleasure of bonding and laughing together and having just more pleasant experience. So whatever is actually true for you, that's the way to frame the conversation. So before you even get into the conversation, you're kind of having a soft warmup to it. So you're not going in cold and saying, Hey, do you want to get together and write down some agreements for our relationship? If your partner has no idea what you're talking about, or doesn't understand the benefit of that, they're going to be like, why would I do homework when I don't need to, you know, like they might relate to it as like a burden, like doing taxes or something. So just creating a juicy invitation, like what's in it for both of you, um, to explore this together. And it's going to be unique for everyone, depending on your culture and what, what you're up to. So let's get into the framework for creating a conscious container for the relationship, AKA, what are you agreeing to? Um, so there's four things I want to offer you. It's pretty simple. Um, just takes some sitting down and reflecting on it. But the first thing is your intention. Of course. Why are you together? What's the purpose of the partnership? Is this just, um, a play partnership? Is it actually not that serious? Um, so. I don't mean serious as in, like, it's escalating, but, like, is this not a long-term thing, or is the intimacy limited? Like, what's the intention there? Like, how deep do you want to go with each other? What are you both available for? Uh, maybe you're recovering from a really traumatic experience, and you're deep in therapy, and your emotional availability is actually less than you would like for it to be. So, you know, it's like, what are you both available for? Because let's say, if you both desire deep intimacy, and trust, and connection, and longevity, but one of you is, like, less available than the other, it is so helpful just to name this. Because it's going to create less of that friction of like, hey, why aren't you doing what we said we wanted? And it's like, well, desire is one thing, and capacity is another thing, you know? So what are you both available for? Um, if you are in a non-monogamous dynamic, maybe you're already married, and you have a primary partner, and you're not available for, like, doing those same relationship escalator things with other people, but you still want to have intimacy. Or maybe you literally have availability of, like, once a week, I can have a date night, or twice a week, or I can talk on the phone three times a week for an hour, you know? Depending on your circumstance, like, what are you available for? Get really clear on it. Like, what are you doing here? Um, like, for me personally, what I'm available for is, like, the depth. Like, I actually want to see how deep it can go. Um, and so that was, like, a big unifier for me and my partner when we first got together. This is interesting, but, like, actually, within the first week, it was, like, within a few days of, like, declaring our feelings for each other, we were like, well, let's sit down and, like, come up with some agreements. Like, what are we agreeing to, you know? And in that moment for our relationship, where we're still getting to know each other, we're like, okay, I like you, you like me, but what does this mean? Are we getting married? Like, no, that's not time appropriate. Like, so you might say, like, yeah, one day I would like to, like, move in the direction of, like, marriage and having a family or those kinds of things, But you also don't want to project that onto a specific person. This is where I see a lot of people going wrong, is they're super duper clear about what they want and what they're calling in, but they're actually just projecting that onto someone without giving them the chance to see, like, are they available for that? And do they want that? And are they capable of that? Like, is that a good fit? Because it might be that you're compatible in many ways. But when it comes to co-parenting, for example, maybe they're not a great co-parent. Maybe they're not as responsible, or, you know, maybe they just have a lot of trauma that makes them way less available to be a parent. Maybe they can't afford the healing work, you know? And so you're like, yeah, I don't know if I want to get into that with a specific person, even though we have a great connection and great chemistry, and they really make me laugh. So I have experienced this in the past, and I see this so often when I'm holding space for folks, is that it creates a lot of suffering when you're like, yeah, I'm super clear on what I want, this is the direction I'm moving in, and then you actually just project that onto a single person. It creates a lot of pressure on the relationship, and it doesn't give it a lot of space to actually see what's authentic. And more often than not, when you come in with a very narrow kind of idea of this relationship is going to be my life partnership, who I'm going to raise kids with, XYZ, whatever the thing you want to do. I'm going to be a nomad and travel the world and blog about it, and this is going to be the person that does it with me.

What it does is, it doesn't give it the space to see, is that truly what this relationship culture, or this relationship, this partnership can hold together. And maybe you find out later than sooner that it can't. And maybe you're already four years into the relationship, and you're like, damn, I think actually I'm going to have to break up and start from scratch and see if I can call in the right person now. So it's great to have an idea of what are you calling in? Are you looking for a business partner in addition to a lover? Are you looking for someone you can do your taxes with, like that level of enmeshment, you know, like financial partnership? Are you available, like, for deep romantic intimacy, but maybe you're not interested in kids, or maybe you're not interested in doing your taxes together? Like, what are you calling in? What are you looking for? Just naming that off the bat can, you know, help you come to the same page, and it helps you not project all of that onto one person. You can maybe both have the same thing that you're calling in, but maybe your personality is totally clashed. And so it's like, okay, well, that's not the person. You want to give that space to see if that person is compatible with what you're calling in. And this is the thing, the fear that gets in the way of people actually following through with this. And so that fear, of course, it's so universal, it's the fear of being alone. And really the fear of loneliness. It's like a feeling of loneliness. You're like, I can't stand this feeling. I want to avoid it. I felt it once. I felt it after this breakup and I never want to feel it again. Um, and so when you're coming from a place of scarcity of like, well, I'd rather be with this person who is compatible enough, but maybe not exactly the amount that would create a pleasurable, sustainable, long-term relationship where you can deepen trust and feel like really deep satisfaction over time. Not feel like you're sacrificing or like kind of unsatisfied or resentful over time when you're relating from that place of scarcity of like, Oh, I'd rather have this than have nothing. That really gets in the way of you actually calling in what is aligned. So you're coming from scarcity of like, I really want to avoid being alone. And so I'll take what I can get. Um, it makes it really hard to create these conscious agreements because more likely than not, when people are relating from a place of fear or like avoiding being alone, avoiding your fear, like, I don't want to be alone. So I don't want that to happen. Um, that usually is unconscious. Um, it's very rare that you sit down and you say, let's make some conscious agreements. What are you calling in? Oh, well, I'm just actually avoiding being alone. I really don't like the feeling of being lonely. Um, are you doing the same? Maybe we can team up. Actually, I do know this one couple that did that. Um, and I don't know how that's working for them. I'm not that close with them at all, but it was kind of like, Hey, will you be my plan C and I'll be your plan C? Like if we reach this age and we're still unmarried, cause they just really wanted to get married. And so whatever, you know, but I think it's very rare that people consciously say, I, my vision for life is I want to avoid being alone. And so maybe you'll do the job. So usually when you're coming from that place of fear of like, Oh gosh, I don't know if I want to let go of this relationship, even if it's not exactly what I'm calling in, because I'd rather have these snuggles than to be alone for a temporary amount of time before I can find the next person. Or there's even that fear of what if I can't find somebody who's compatible enough, but what's predictable is if you're relating from that place of fear, it's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know couples who've been married for decades and they feel so fucking lonely because they're really emotionally disconnected from each other because they made that pact of like, till death do us part, we're going to stay together. But it's like an abusive relationship. They're not even like, like engaging in emotional intimacy, you know? And that's, that feeling is way more lonely than the feeling of actually being by yourself in solitude. Because at least when you're in solitude, it creates the possibility of connecting with other people. But when you're, um, like married to someone who you're feeling disconnected from, it kind of like eliminates or makes the possibilities a lot harder for you to be connecting to other people. So that's something you want to look out for. Um, and you know, maybe there's a different fear for you. Maybe it's not the fear of being alone. Maybe it's the fear of, can I survive capitalism on my own? Like, I don't know if I can pull it off. I might need a financial partner. And if that's true, I would ask you to like, how much do finances need to overlap, overlap with like romance, you know, like maybe you do find a financial partner outside of romance, or maybe you're looking for both and that's fine. But you want to be clear in what you're calling in and what's motivating you. Because, you know, even if it's kind of like a, a scarcity motivation, when you're naming that on paper and you're telling this person consciously, you're just relating consciously. You're making these agreements and that container is going to hold you. Um, so let's say if finances are a reason why you're getting together, if you can name that out loud, maybe there's this agreement of like, listen, we'll accept an incompatibility over time. If it reveals itself. But can we make this agreement that we're not going to screw each other over financially if we need to separate, like maybe that's the reassurance you need so you can actually relax into the relationship. So number one is the intention. Why are you together? What's the purpose of this partnership? Um, are you exploring spiritual growth together? Is that what you both value? And you're using relationships as a vessel for spiritual growth. And so that's the agreement. It's like, Hey, let's, let's see how, how much growth we can do together. Cause we're going to trigger each other. Let's see if we can grow through it and stay on the same team through it. I want to see like how much shadow work we can do together and how close we can get. Or maybe the, why are you together? Or maybe the, why are you together? Is like, Oh, it's practical. We both want kids. He's got a great job and he's nice enough. We don't have to have great sex. I don't care. But like, what's the purpose? What's the point of it? Um, what are you focusing on? Do you love to travel? Is it lifestyle focused? Um, what are you both available for? Um, how much do you overlap there? And then what are you calling in? Um, also when we're looking at the intentions, we want to look at what would be deal breakers. So this would essentially be a boundary, um, with yourself. So like an example is abusive behavior. Um, you know, I mean, obviously somebody who's physically abusing you, probably not a relationship you want to keep investing in. Right. But maybe somebody's like gaslighting unconsciously because they grew up in a narcissistic home. At what point would that be a deal breaker for you? Is it under the condition that somebody has these, kind of shadowy patterns that they're not working on them? Um, they actually are not interested in working on them. Like, would that be a deal breaker? So what happens in mainstream culture is the whole, you know, the marriage ceremony is till death do us part. Right. And there's no agreements that say, unless my husband abuses me or vice versa. Right. Like it's just this blanket, like we're going to stay together forever, no matter what. And that goes in actually a really horrible direction for some people. I mean, for some people it's fine. It's not an issue. There's not that abuse going on. But what I find interesting in mainstream culture is that there is this expectation or this norm to not have any boundaries with your spouse. It's like in sickness and in health for better, for worse, till death do us part. I'll stay by your side. Even if you turn out to be cheating on me chronically for years and gambling all of our money away. Like there's none of those contingencies. In a ceremony. Um, and what is a ceremony, but like actually a public agreement, right? Like that is creating, I would say very flimsy container because it's not individualized at all. And it might not be true for you. So what I actually think is more romantic than that, um, cliche, like wedding ceremony kind of container is like, what are your deal breakers? Um, and can you agree on what those would be? So you're both having a clear indicator as to what would help the long-term health of this relationship.

One agreement that my partner and I've made together is that we are focusing on spiritual growth. That's super important to both of us in our lives. It's one of the primary motivators for our entire life, like as individuals. And so that's part of our couple culture is like, we are very oriented towards spiritual growth. Um, and one of the deal breakers for us is if they're at some point in time. That this partnership actually starts impeding our growth. Cause of course right now, you know, it's a newer relationship. We've been together for a little over a year. So there's so much like triggers and shadows that come to the surface that we're working through and it does facilitate a lot of spiritual growth. Um, but if that were at any point in time to, to stop, but also to get in the way of our spiritual growth, like maybe we both outgrow the relationship and we're like, damn, this is actually hindering my growth. Then that would be a deal breaker. And the fact that we're both on the same page about that for me, it helps me relax into the relationship because I'm not worried that we're going to break up out of nowhere. Like I'm going to see it coming a mile away because there's this clear agreement as to what are we doing here? And what would be an indicator that this partnership actually isn't serving its purpose anymore. And for context, like my, my current partner, we do have an intention of lifelong partnership. Um, and I don't want to break up ever, but like, we'll see, I can't actually control that. Um, and so that's the point of what are the deal breakers? It's something to hold you in place because if I were unwilling to accept even the risk or the possibility of the partnership terminating at some point, even though it's not at all what I want and that's not what I'm going to feed. Um, I might end up in a situation that's actually not for my own wellbeing. I might be overlooking some things, or I might be unwilling to accept that, um, something in my life isn't serving me. And that's actually not part of my spiritual growth. Sometimes there's some things that you have to let go of. And you know, when you let go, the abundance flows, sometimes when you grip too tightly, it kind of stagnates the energy and your whole life starts to feel like it's stagnating. So the more intentional you can get about what are you doing here? What are the deal breakers? What are you calling in? What are you available for? This is going to create a steady foundation for your relationship so it can have more resiliency through these smaller ruptures. This is what feeds the trust. Um, so like one example is let's say I'm navigating a conflict with my partner and maybe a, an anxious part of me gets insecure and is like, oh my God, is this, is this threatening our relationship? Like, is she still interested in me or whatever? I get insecure, but then I remember the agreements and I think, oh yeah, well this is facilitating some spiritual growth. And if either one of us wasn't showing up to the plate, um, like doing the shadow work, you know, taking responsibility for our part of things, um, then it would be an indicator that we're not moving in the right direction, that we're moving in a direction that might threaten the longevity of our relationship. So it's like a feedback loop of sorts, but it also, um, is an invitation to come back into the container. So it's like, you know, you're playing soccer, the referee calls you out of bounds, you reset and you get back in bounds. That's what you do. And so the game can go on. Otherwise, if you never get called back in bounds, you might just be like flailing away out into the mountains, never to return. Like you even lose sight of the goalpost. You're like, where am I? What are we doing here? You're just drifting at sea. So having that container, it just helps feed trust because there's that transparency around. This is what could threaten our relationship. And this is what feeds our relationship. The second thing to look at when creating conscious agreements are what are your needs? What do you both need to follow through with the shared intention that you have? So if your intention is to buy a house together, start a family, then like, what do you both need? Maybe you both need to know? And maybe you both need to know, but maybe you're going to be able to do that. Maybe you also need to know, maybe you need to start sharing some financial intimacy. Maybe you need to start budgeting together. Maybe you need to make some financial agreements. You know, or maybe you need to know, you know, or maybe if let's say you have no intention of starting a family, you just want to travel the world together and have like an alternative lifestyle. Like, what would you need in order to pull that off? What kind of career transition would you need? How would you need to make money? How, how are you supporting your needs as a couple or as a partner or the partnership? Um, to follow through with that intention. Um, to follow through with that intention. And then what are your needs individually? You don't want to be sacrificing your needs. This is interesting. Actually. Um, one of the first agreements that my partner and I came up with is that our body is our primary partner. And what that means is there is not an expectation at all that one of us is going to sacrifice our wellbeing for the other person. So that to me is not romantic. I mean, Hollywood might sell that as romantic, but Hollywood is also infiltrated by the CIA. You know, there's a lot of that war culture in Hollywood as well. Um, but what is actually truly loving is like caring for each other. And that means that first you care for yourself. Um, and if you can't care for yourself, then you're not really expressing true care for the other. You're just in servitude, like this hierarchical servitude. There is no care when you're neglecting yourself because care has to be for both parties. So what are your individual needs? Um, let's say somebody has like a medical need, maybe it's like diabetes or something. Okay. And so how does that translate? Into this like traveling lifestyle or, um, when you're raising kids, you know, it's like, what need do you have there? Like, do you need, um, the, the responsibility to be shared 50 50. And then the third part is how do you meet the needs? Cause identifying the needs is great. It's like giving you a point on the map that, you know, you want to move to. It's like a destination that you want to arrive to. Yeah. How do you meet the needs? That's the roadmap that's going to take you there. Cause you can name things all day long. The awareness is the first piece of it, but following through with the intention is everything. So, you know, the more you can collaborate together on that, the better it's going to go. And I would say like, get creative with it too. Um, so rather than like proposing an idea and saying, this is the way we're going to do it. You can offer an idea of like, Oh, what about this way? And then have that malleability of like, is there room for back? And forth for both of you to collaborate together. Cause the whole point of an agreement is that there's two people coming together into agreement. Maybe you've like, um, signed a lease agreement, which actually isn't really an agreement because there's no back and forth dialogue. It's like a landlord saying, I have something you need a survival need housing. And if you want it, you either check this box and sign here or you don't, it's like all or nothing. That's not actually an agreement. That's a weird power dynamic. Or the same thing. Like let's say Apple updates their software. And then it's like, if you want to use this, like music playing app, you're going to have to agree to our terms and conditions. Otherwise you can't listen to our music anymore. And you're like, okay, well, I'm already deeply invested in this platform. I have like six playlists. I listened to all the time. I'm just going to click and move on, but it's not an actual agreement because it's only one sided. So that's part of the work culture, right? It's hierarchical. It's one sided. It's like you agree to my terms or there's nothing at all. It's a weird power dynamic, but when it comes to a long-term sustainable relationship where you want to feed trust, you want to get as collaborative as possible. So it's not, Hey, I have this idea. Let's do this idea. It's, Hey, I have this idea. What do you think? And see if you can brainstorm and like build on that. How creative can you get, um, around meeting the needs together? Cause this is your life you're talking about as a partnership. Um, so you want to make sure that it feels equally agreed upon and equally created. Like you both have some skin in the game there. It's not just one person running the show, unless that's the agreement. There are some couples that are into like some sub and, um, dom dynamics, um, like long-term dynamics and like, you know, teach their own, but that's an agreement. Right. Whereas someone else might say, Hey, this feels abusive because you're not agreeing to it. But when it's spoken, it's, it's a whole different ball game. Um, and then the fourth thing are the norms. So like, what are your cultural norms? And you get to decide these. So of course, for me, I'm all about peace, peace on earth and love, which sounds cliche, but it's actually really deep. Cause when you're defaulting to like the unconscious war norms of society, that's not peace and love. And it's not pleasure because pleasure comes from being on the same team. It comes from deepening trust. It comes from intimacy. Like there's no pleasure in like fighting against each other when you're in conflict. Um, and so, like I said, one of the first norms that my partner and I came up with is that we put our bodies first, we put our needs first, and this is so helpful actually just to name it out loud. So I gave this example of, um, like one of my clients is having trouble, like updating his relationship agreements right now. Cause he's like, man, I'm stuck in this, this like unconscious couple culture where I'm just like serving my partner, um, emotionally. And I'm putting myself in the back burner in order to do that. It's kind of like a parental role. If you think about it, like how a parent is expected to kind of put their needs second for their child. And that's fine for a parent child relationship, but you don't want your romantic relationship to feel like a parent child relationship. It's not sexy and it's not sustainable breeds a lot of resentment over time, which will eventually kill a relationship. Um, so for me specifically, I have this pattern as well, where, you know, grew up in a house where I wasn't safe to have needs. There's literal so much violence. So like I have developed this unconscious fawning pattern where sometimes I'm like, Oh damn, I have a need. And I didn't even realize cause I wasn't tuning in with myself. I was just defaulting to the other person. Um, and so, you know, it's nice to name these things out loud so you can both spot them when they come up because patterns repeat. That's the inevitable thing about patterns unless you work with them, but the awareness of the pattern is not going to change the pattern. It's working with the pattern that's going to change it. So you both want to be aware of it. Okay. Forest has a pattern where he's a people pleaser. He puts a self second. Okay. Let's look out for that because that's not a norm we're agreeing to in our relationship. In this relationship, there is no sacrificing for the other. Um, and so this actually just happened today. Um, where I was like, damn, I think I actually just overextended one of my boundaries and it's so helpful to have these agreements in place as a container because I know my partner is not asking out of me. I'm like, Oh, I'm in my unconscious pattern. Okay. Let me reroute. And it's not this resentment. My partner's like, well, why aren't you serving me and betraying yourself in the process? That's not the unconscious culture that we have. The culture is like, let's both take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, you know, and then like love each other as much in that process. Let's see where we can overlap. Um, assuming we don't need to sacrifice our wellbeing to be in a relationship. So that's one example of a norm. There's so many different norms. Um, you know, you can look at conflict norms. So that could be a subset of agreements. Like how do you navigate conflict together? And, you know, I just made a couple episodes about that. So you can check that out if you want to get into those best practices and what you want to agree to. Um, but what we're looking at in this episode is what are the norms that you're practicing in your relationship culture? So you think of the cultural norms of the U S which is like, um, put everything out of balance to where you're working more than you're doing anything else. You know, like that's one of the cultural Um, but I don't know where the cultural norms. Um, but I think of the cultural norms. You know, like the cultural norms, you know, like how much of those cultural norms do you vibe with it? If at all, like I actually don't at all vibe with those. And so if you're not vibing with that, what are you vibing with? If you could consciously create your relationship and have it be the way you want it, what would the norm be? How do you interact with each other? Um, is there a lot of touch in your relationship? And if you're having less physical touch, not even sexual touch, but just romantic touch, um, like massage or hugs or just little caresses, you know, when you walk past someone in the kitchen and you're like, hi honey, you give them a little rub, you know, would that be a sign that your relationship is in trouble? You know, and that's something you can consciously come to an agreement around. So you're on the same page. You're able to relax into trusting each other that like, yeah, you're in this thing for the same reason I am. And we are moving in that direction. We're following through with our intention for the relationship. And let's say if touch is really important to both of you. And if you notice like, dang, we haven't really been really touchy at all with each other. Maybe that's an invitation to bring you back in bounds, right? Like to come back to those agreements to help you, um, feed the longevity of the relationship. So who knows, maybe it could even save your relationship over time. It can be an early warning sign that maybe things are, um, like the romance isn't being fed enough. So that's the framework for creating conscious, um, a conscious container for your relationship, making conscious agreements. And the last thing I want to say is that these things will naturally change over time. These are fluid. So you change over time because you're alive. The only things that don't change are things that are dead or dying. Change is a constant of life. It's just the nature of how it works. Um, and so of course you're going to change over time. Your values might change over time. Um, and so you want to continue to revisit these agreements and maybe that's one of your agreements is that you continue checking in about this. Is this still your intention? Is this still your values? Is this still the direction you want to head in? Um, these are questions to ask your partner and ask yourself, um, because you want to be on the same page and ideally you want to grow together, not apart. And so by checking in with these relationship agreements periodically, like my partner and I, we check in every six months roughly, um, for ours. And it's been really cool. Like one of the things that we've checked in about is, you know, there's this assumption around monogamy, right? Like, and so we were just like, well, what do you think? Like we've both been non-monogamous in the past and we're like, well, I mean, what do we want this to be? Right. And we were just exploring it. We were like a week into it. And I was like, well, I don't know for right now. I feel like monogamy is fine. Cause I'm not really interested in getting to know anyone else. And I don't even have capacity to like explore in other places. I'm pretty saturated already. Um, and so we're like, yeah, cool. Well, let's just start there. Cause like, we don't freaking know. It's like our first week of dating, you know, like it's a starting place, um, conscious agreement. So there's no like, um, plot twists or like I have a lover in the closet or, you know, any of that kind of stuff or like, oh no, I'm crushing on someone else. What do I do? There's this expectation of like, no, we're just focusing on each other right now. Well, let's check in in six months from now and see where we're at. We check in and it's like, yeah, this still feels good to me. Okay, cool. Let's check in in another six months. And then, um, You know, we checked another six months. Yeah. Monogamy still feels good to me. Cool. But that's what makes it really like radically different from what I would call unconscious monogamy, where it's actually just this assumption that you're going to be monogamous. And, um, if anything deviates from that, then it's like, what the hell is going on versus consciously making an agreement of like, yeah, let's be monogamous and let's keep checking in about it. Because like I said, for some people, like 20 years down the line, they might realize, you know what? I have only had limited experiences sexually, or I'm exploring my sexuality. I might want to explore something with the same sex. And I think I do want to have an open relationship, you know, and it is, you just kind of like wake up to it. And that conversation can actually be addressed way early on when you create this cultural norm of let's checking in about it. Let's actually not make assumptions. Let's not assume we're defaulting to society's default. Even if that's actually what you're doing. It's like, yeah, it's a monogamous relationship. But when you're consciously monogamous, you're having this conscious checkpoints to agree to that over and over again. You can get way ahead of that. Let's say 20 years down the line, you have a few kids together, you share a mortgage, and one of the partners is like, I don't want to open this thing up, but you want to open this up. And then it creates a huge turning point. Where you're like, okay, if I want to continue in this relationship, do I sacrifice something? Do I compromise? But you can actually get way ahead of this. Like, even if you have no intention of ever being non-monogamous, which I'm sure that person 20 years prior to that probably had no intention of it at all. But when you practically create the space to check in and ask, like, what are we doing here? What's the format that we're doing here? It gives you the option to ask from a place of curiosity. Like, would I be interested in something else? And even if your interest is 10% out of 100, if you can name that out loud, and your partner is totally, like, transparent with where you're at, that's going to help you bond and facilitate trust, regardless if you ever open up or not. Because you're both there in the same process, there's no surprises. And if there is a 10% curiosity, well, it's like, well, let's keep checking in with it. Let's see if it grows to 20, 25, 30. You know, and it's like, you can slowly work with it and really collaborate through it. So it's not this relationship that you're structurally, like, locked into, and you can't really easily get out of. And you're like, oh, my God, we have this huge misalignment. What do we do? There's a way to actually very proactively approach these things and stay on the same team and be more resilient through it. And it's through having these very conscious relationship agreements. So that's all for today. Um, I host workshops throughout the year around various topics. The best way to hear about those is by subscribing to my newsletter. You can do that on my website, conscious relating. org. Um, and I will be hosting workshops related to these themes as well. So there's this idea of creating a container for the relationship. Um, I believe in February, I'm going to be hosting like a four week course, um, where it does touch on conscious agreements and creating a conscious container as one of the elements. Um, but really the theme is about deepening trust and deepening romance in the relationship. And like I'm saying, when you're able to create a container for the relationship, it helps you relax into trust. And that is actually part of what facilitates romance, right? Like if you're always suspicious or on edge, you're like, is this thing going to end? When is this thing? When is the shoe going to drop? It's really hard to relax into the vulnerability that it requires to be intimate, like emotionally with another person. And of course, the more emotionally intimate you are with someone, the deeper the sex is going to go. And it's going to feel so like satisfying and connecting. So creating the container goes a long way. And what I'm giving you right now is a theory, but what I'm going to be offering later in the year is actually some somatic practices to help you actually move through the fear that might come up, know how to spot the fear that comes up. Um, there's going to be more of a structure to actually hold you in facilitating this conversation and even like working through the kinks that come up when you're maybe getting stuck on something or you can't agree on something. Um, so if you want to stay in the loop around my offerings, if you want to go deeper into this work, you just subscribe to my newsletter. Um, and I'm posting podcasts every other week on Fridays. So make sure, um, to like, and subscribe so you can get, notifications for notifications for future podcasts and you'll be the first to know. Oh, and one other thing, let me know what you want to hear about in the comments. So if there's like a topic you want me to address, um, or if there's something specific, like a scenario that you're facing in your relationship and you want some guidance on it, let me know. And I might just address it in a future episode. Thanks for being here. I'm wishing you peace and pleasure in your heart so you can really enjoy the pleasure of relating during such a chaotic time on Earth, because like the stock market's not going to anchor you. It's going to be your heart that's anchoring you through this chaos. May it be so.