Healing the Unloveability Wound: Navigating Chronic Illness in Relationship
What happens when your body flares up… and so does your deepest fear of being unlovable?
In this raw and vulnerable episode, I share about navigating a Crohn’s flare, emotional eating, sobriety, and the resurfacing of my childhood “unloveability wound.”
Joined by my partner Fēnix Grace, we explore how chronic illness impacts intimacy, why your body is your primary partner, and how resistance to healing can keep you stuck.
If you’ve ever felt like a burden in relationships, struggled with shame around your health, or used food to cope with emotional pain — this episode is for you.
We cover:
The link between chronic illness and shame
Emotional eating as a trauma response
Why healing is nonlinear
How attunement to your body deepens intimacy
Releasing resistance in shadow work
Reparenting your inner child
LINKS
Upcoming Events: consciousrelating.org/events
Couple's Coaching: consciousrelating.org/coaching
Join the Newsletter: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating
Chapters
00:00 – Why I’m Recording While in a Flare
Sharing vulnerably instead of waiting to “be better.”
02:30 – Growing Up with Crohn’s Disease
Chronic illness, domestic violence, and early shame.
06:45 – Feeling Like a Burden in Love
The unloveability wound resurfaces in partnership.
11:40 – The Ego of “I’m Healed”
Why healing isn’t linear (and why that’s humbling).
16:40 – Addiction, Sobriety & Emotional Eating
Food as a coping mechanism and nervous system regulation.
19:45 – Your Body Is Your Primary Partner
How self-attunement affects intimacy and consent.
23:30 – Communication Breakdowns & Somatic Awareness
Why many couples struggle to name what they feel.
28:00 – Reparenting the Inner Child
Why emotional eating began — and how to shift it.
30:05 – Resistance to Healing
The emotional block keeping physical healing stuck.
32:15 – Letting Go & Ego Death
Surrender, humility, and deep spiritual growth.
Outro – Shame Withers in the Light
Why speaking your shame is medicine.
Fēnix 0:00
Are we aiming for like 20 minutes?
Forest 0:03
I didn't have a structure in mind. I just thought, let's see how we flow.
Fēnix 0:06
Okay, yeah, I think about like 20 minutes.
Forest 0:08
Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give a little intro. I want you just to give a brief hello in the beginning. Do you want to intro yourself?
Fēnix 0:17
No.
Forest 0:18
That's fine. I don't think that flows. Let's see here. I want to get all up in this mic.
Fēnix 0:27
Can you do the intro later?
Forest 0:31
No.
Fēnix 0:31
Okay.
Forest 0:34
And then you're welcome to ask me questions.
Fēnix 0:37
Okay.
Forest 0:37
If you want to.
Fēnix 0:39
Yeah, you want me to serve as like giving reflections and questions, right?
Forest 0:44
Yeah.
Fēnix 0:45
Okay.
Forest 0:45
And just adding your input whenever you want to, but I mostly want it to be me sharing it first, like what I'm going through. and then you can add your perspective or ask me questions. How's that sound?
Fēnix 0:55
That sounds good. If I need to yawn, I might just mute it.
Forest 0:59
Yeah, that works fine.
Fēnix 1:00
Okay.
Forest 1:01
Okay. Let's begin.
Fēnix 1:03
Begin.
Forest 1:04
Okay.
And normally you would think that I would like not podcast on a day I'm not feeling great.
But that was actually the impetus for me wanting to share about something challenging I'm experiencing. Honestly, just because it's fucking relatable. And a big part of conscious relating is doing the shadow work to deepen in relationships. And this has definitely been fucking testing me. And I feel like I'm growing through it. It's been challenging. But I want to share about it. I did take off work yesterday, but I'm experiencing chronic inflammation. So I can't just, I mean, I guess I could take off a few weeks, but I do need to pay my rent. So I'm not.
Fēnix 2:23
Balance.
Forest 2:24
Yeah. Just managing it. And the nice thing about the line of work I'm in is I can do it while seated. I'm not heavy lifting. So like I can get away with it. Today I had a hot pad on my tummy while I was working. And that was so nice.
So I want to share with you, beloved listener, what I've been experiencing, how it's impacting the way I've been showing up in a relationship. And I have my sweet partner in love and life here with me, Fēnix Grace. Can you want to say hello?
Fēnix 2:58
Hello.
Forest 3:00
She's going to chime in and offer her perspective. Maybe ask me a question or two. We'll see. But first I'm going to share my story, kind of where I'm at, what's going on with me. So actually a few of my clients know about this, but most people probably don't. So when I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
You know, I had somebody recently tell me like a, what is it? Someone who does blood analysis. They like look at your blood and they can, it's crazy. I'm not going into the details of it, but it was this crazy, trippy thing.
Fēnix 3:34
That was a really wild experience.
Forest 3:37
She put a drop of my blood under a microscope and then told me different like layers of it and what it meant. And she told me I was essentially born with a bad intestine or a weak intestine. And for as long as I've known life, I've just had digestive issues. Like before I can even remember, I have like one of my extended family members told me, oh yeah, you always had tummy aches when you were like five. I just don't remember. So I've had this my whole life. It really started getting horrible when I was 12. Just like chronic diarrhea, chronic tummy pain. It was horrible. And I grew up in a house where there was domestic abuse and a lot of violence. And I think that was a huge part of, you know, my body. It just didn't feel safe in that home. So I was always on edge. And when I was 14, I was diagnosed. And then, you know, they put me in the Western medical system, put me on these medications. When I finally got the autonomy to take my health journey into my own hands, I realized how the Western medical system isn't really that great for long-term healing. It's not profitable for them. So I was able to get down this deep health journey when I was 21. And I found a functional medicine practitioner who helped me wean off the medication I had been on for years. And since I started working with her, it was a long, strenuous process. I'm not going to go into the details of what I did, but it was a lot of holistic healing. And the long story short is I was pretty symptom-free for about a decade. And so in my mind, I thought, oh, Crohn's disease, I don't have that anymore. That's healed. I'm not going to identify with something that's telling me I'm sick. So I'm like, yeah, I used to have digestive issues, but not anymore, bitch. But I got deeply humbled.
After 2025, it was like one of the craziest years of my life, and that's a different podcast episode for why that happened, but, you know, my partner and I went through a lot of housing instability and just a lot of chronic stress, and it was more than what my body could keep up with. For as many tools as I had, it was just too much input, not enough output. So, um, now that we are in a stable home, we're settling, we're nesting, now my body's feeling safe enough to express all of that stress, and it is pouring out. It's a lot. And so long story short, I'm having a flare-up, which just means, um, my digestion is going through a hard time, having a lot of intestinal pain, a lot of, like, fatigue and irritable as hell. Bless your soul, Fēnix, for putting up with me and my irritability. It's a lot. I wish we were videotaping it because you have such a cute smile on your face right now. You look at me with such loving eyes, like, yep, I love you. Do you want to say anything?
Fēnix 6:44
To what? The irritability?
Forest 6:48
Oh, just what, how, like, what does it mean, the way you're looking at me?
Fēnix 6:52
I just... I think that we can feel when we're going through struggles that, like, our struggle is such a burden on our partner,
Forest 7:01
Yeah,
Fēnix 7:02
but I think it's very often not the case. that the partner feels, like, so burdened by it. Like, maybe sometimes, for sure.
Forest 7:12
yeah.
Fēnix 7:13
But, I mean, this is what long-term relating is about, is about, like, being there through the beautiful times and the challenging times. And so it's, like, I'm just sort of, like, holding that reminder. It's, like, it's not that big of a deal, you know?
Forest 7:29
I'm laughing because I'm, like, easy for you to say. I got triggered.
Fēnix 7:34
Right. Right, but, like, I'm saying, like, it's, it's not, yeah, like, it's nice to acknowledge, of course, like, the impact of where one is at, like, one state, and the impact that that has on the other But,
Forest 7:48
yeah,
Fēnix 7:49
I don't know. Like, I don't believe in kind of, like, holding that as a weight in the relationship,
Forest 7:56
yeah.
Fēnix 7:57
you know?
Forest 7:58
And I'm so grateful that you and I are partnering up. You're an amazing partner.
Fēnix 8:02
You too, babe.
Forest 8:04
So that feeds directly into all the shadows I've been confronting.
And you might get a little bored, Fēnix. You've already heard all this from me. You already know. But for the listeners, I want them to know.
Fēnix 8:16
Tell the listeners.
Forest 8:18
You're so groovy.
What I want to share with the listeners is that when I was a kid, I felt so deeply unlovable because of my illness. It was chronic. It was all the time. I had to say no to a lot of things that a young person would want to say yes to. No to softball games I had to cancel. No to socializing, to sleepovers. It was kind of traumatizing in a social way for me, but also incredibly painful. Like, there was days I couldn't move out of bed. I was in so much pain. Couldn't eat anything. Couldn't keep anything down. Actually, this last, like, I would say three weeks, I've just mostly been eating, like, broth and rice. There's some potatoes in there. Some really well-cooked vegetables. But it's been a time. I've been really challenged. And I felt so unlovable for being chronically ill as a kid. I thought, well, who would ever marry me? I'm going to die alone. And that's crazy because I was, like, 14 thinking this. It was really depressing. I didn't see a way out because I just, you know, the Western medical system told me I was going to die with this. I would have to eventually cut a piece of my intestine out and have surgery. They told me I'd have to do IV injections or something, like, every three months. They were telling me crazy things. And I was just, like, so hopeless as a young one being indoctrinated into that. And that's not the future that is in store for me. But as a young one, it was, like, so heavy. And then I grew up with all that violence in the home. And I thought, my family is so crazy and volatile that, like, no one would ever marry me. No one would marry into this family. I had so many insecurities. And, honestly, a big part of the impetus for my health journey when I was 21, I was still in college, which is crazy to think I, you know, went on such a deep journey. It took, I put all my money into it, like, it was expensive. And a big impetus for that was because the person I was dating at the time was actually my first same-sex relationship, which was a really big deal to me. It was, I was like, oh, my God, this is life. Like, it was so good. I was so attached to this relationship. And she was like, listen, if you're, if you can't take care of yourself, I don't want to date you. 'cause I think I was like partying was college, I was like But then the Crohn's symptoms on top of the hangover, where my body was just not tolerating what I was putting in my body. So that was the big impetus for me. It didn't even start out of self-love. It started out of fear of abandonment. And then that's where the self-love journey actually started. And of course, that relationship fell away. And, um, I've had a self-love practice ever since and I've been prioritizing taking care of my body ever since. It's been like over 10 years now. I'm 33 now. And so because I had essentially like healed myself, um, or so I thought, I think it's nonlinear, but almost a decade of no symptoms. I think it's like pretty fucking impressive, like given where I was at. So anyways, my identity kind of was wrapped up in that of like, oh, I am lovable now because I'm healthy. I'm
Fēnix 11:39
well.
Forest 11:40
And not only that, it was a huge spiritual awakening for me to go down that path. That's when I, I started really getting into like animism and just feeling how alive the world was. It was really profound for me to go through that.
So what I'm realizing now that my body is flaring up in a very intense way, like extremely painful, really debilitating. And it's nonlinear. Some days are better. Some days are worse, but it's chronic. It's been like a few months. I've been going through this. It's like the third month.
I'm realizing how burdensome. I'm realizing how burdensome I feel, how unlovable I feel. It's such a feeling of vulnerability that doesn't feel great. It feels like I'm a worm on the sidewalk and the sun is like drying me up. It really doesn't feel good at all. All these fears of like, well, will you still love me if I'm unwell is what I'm being confronted with now. So that in itself is really deep, but then there's the humility of, okay, I thought I was healed. I thought I was at the end of this journey, but it turns out it's not so linear. And there is some emotional residue that wants to still be processed that's related to the flare up or the inflammation. So that's what I'm diving into now. And it's such a full-time job, man, on top of running a business.
But that's kind of where I'm at.
Fēnix 13:09
I think it's so relatable that to arrive at a place on the path where if you've been working on yourself for a period of time and to kind of like adopt that perception of like, I am quote unquote healed or like I've done the work. Right. And it becomes this like egoic identity or this kind of like distortion in the fourth chakra. And then, because I also went through this this past year in my eighth house perfected year for any of the astro nerds out there,
where my 31st year of life, like I was deeply confronted with some unprocessed childhood wounding and childhood trauma. that I had to really somatically and energetically process throughout my space, whereas I had been like, I've been doing healing work for like 10 years and this is like still here or something. But my perspective on it changed in the sense of like that 10 years of work actually was just the groundwork to then be able to reach that level of depth in myself. And I kind of see that in what you're saying to where it's like, you know, everything that you've been doing like that egoic. Belief of like I'm healed or why is this coming up because like I've been working on myself really invalidates all of the work that you do. Like where it's like actually maybe that 10 years of work has been just like laying the foundation to reach this like much more deeper layer within yourself. Right?
Forest 15:01
Yeah, I really resonate with that.
Fēnix 15:06
It's not that you haven't been doing the work. It's like that that has actually been required to come into like this deeper expression of it because obviously like there's so much emotions, emotional stuff behind any kind of chronic illness. I
Forest 15:20
Yeah.
Fēnix 15:20
think a lot of people are coming to that conclusion more and more these days.
Forest 15:24
Yeah.
Fēnix 15:25
And we often just, I mean, if I look at me 10 years ago and you probably resonate with this, Forrest, I did not have the tools to emotionally process.
Forest 15:36
Oh, yeah.
Fēnix 15:37
Like this level of trauma
Forest 15:40
Mm-hmm.
Fēnix 15:40
in my experience, my psyche.
Forest 15:43
Mm-hmm.
Fēnix 15:44
So it's like I couldn't have dealt with it back then. Like it took like the building of that muscle to then be actually be able to process the bigger stuff.
Forest 15:51
Right. I resonate with that so much. I know I was telling you this the other day, so you're going to hear it again, but... For the listeners, I just, I like sharing about my personal journey because I think it's so relatable and because I have so much shame around it. That's another thing I've learned through this process is like, oh my God, there's so much shame living in me. Like I knew to some degree, yeah, but so much I'm like, holy shit, you know? But anyways, um, I have a history of addiction. I was an alcoholic in my early twenties, um, got sober, went heavy into cannabis, did that for, I don't know how many years. I think I've been sober for like almost two years now. Is that right? Two years?
Fēnix 16:41
Hell yeah. That's amazing.
Forest 16:42
But anyways, like cannabis is way less harmful than alcohol. Like I'm way more chill. Whereas with alcohol, I was putting myself in crazy situations and it was really messing up my gut. My gut needed a break. And then of course cannabis was fucking on my lungs, but whatever, I was born with a weak intestine. So the lungs could take it, you know?
Fēnix 17:02
So I'm not perfect.
Forest 17:05
Doesn't need to give my gut a freaking break. So it's the lungs turn.
But then, um, the through line throughout my entire life has been food as an addictive substance.
Fēnix 17:16
Right.
Forest 17:17
not in a, in a way that nicotine is addictive or something, but in a way that I would, I wouldn't be able to process what was going on because it was so intense in my home growing up that I would externalize it with food. Like food was a numbing agent or an escape. And that never really went away even through, I mean, especially through the cannabis phase, you know, but with the alcoholism. So what you're saying about, you know, you're kind of peeling back these outer layers to get to the inner layers.
Fēnix 17:45
Yeah.
Forest 17:46
Like I've come such a long way around sobriety, you know, like I'm amazed at myself. I'm like, wow, I'm sober, like completely sober. I've been sober for like two years. That's crazy. I'm so proud of that, but it makes sense. Like I'm having compassion towards myself for still leaning on emotional eating because when you peel or when you take away one of those coping mechanisms, that's external, you have to replace it with something you just have to, otherwise you're going to collapse. Like your nervous system can't handle it.
Fēnix 18:15
Yeah.
Forest 18:16
And I used to binge eat. I stopped binge eating like a few years ago. But I mean, you've seen me emotionally eating, you know, like I'll be missing my mom and I'm craving a Coke and it's like a Stevia Coke. It's like healthy, quote unquote, but I'm still, I'm not eating for sustenance. I'm like eating for emotional, like nostalgia or grief or, you know, missing my mom, for example, me, or if I get stressed, I'll just want to eat something amazing. That's like very stimulating, maybe like spicy fried rice or something like it's healthy. But, you know, it's, it's been really fucking humbling to be in this place where for three weeks I'm eating the most bland food. I usually drink tea every day and I can't even tolerate ginger right now. Like my, my gut is so raw and it's, it's really needing a lot of softness. So I'm just like salt, broth, rice, potato, a little bit of carrot here and there. And it's like really mushy and well cooked. Like, Oh my God, that's why I've been so irritable and so cranky is because I, I think I'm really detoxing from emotional eating.
Fēnix 19:27
It's a courageous journey for sure. And definitely requires a lot of compassion. I'm curious. So, right. one of my philosophies that we share is the, and that is a part of like our relationship agreements is that your body is your primary partner.
Forest 19:47
Mm hmm.
Fēnix 19:48
Right. And so how I see the world of relationships, right. And like, we resonate with this philosophy is that first and foremost, your body is primary partner and then all of your relationships are based on that foundation of that relationship that you have with your body as a soul, right. Or some people talk about it as like your relationship with yourself. Um, I'm curious, how do you see what you're going through right now in relationship to that like kind of guiding principle that you have?
Forest 20:29
Mm hmm. Yeah. I love that question because it directly ties back to our relationship. And that's why I wanted to share about this. It's not just like, hey, guess what? I've been on a healing
Fēnix 20:39
Hey,
Forest 20:40
journey.
Fēnix 20:40
guess what? I'm fucking in pain.
Forest 20:44
That's why I used to be an addict, but now I'm sober now.
Fēnix 20:48
I'm in pain.
Hmm.
Forest 20:51
But it all ties back to our relationship because it's that unlovability wound that I thought I had quote unquote solved, but it was unhealed and it still needs to be healed. And even if it's not activated in the moment, like if I don't have a flare up, it's still impacting our relationship, you know, cause to answer your question, it always starts with yourself, you know, and you know this, so this is for the audience. It always starts with yourself. You always project your inner world outwards, you know? So if I'm feeling unlovable, um, because I'm not a hundred percent in right relationship with my body, if I'm eating, even when I'm not hungry, I'm not really honoring my body. And like, it's understandable because it's a trauma response. There's no shame around it. It's, you know, it's very common. Food is very accessible drug.
But at the end of the day, it's me being out of right relationship with my body.
Fēnix 21:50
Right. Like being out of attunement. I really see it in the lens of like, how attuned to your body are you? And that really affects like how attuned you can be to your partner.
Forest 22:01
Exactly. Yeah. And funny enough, like this brings it back to the work I do in session with people. And so many people like, you know, people are coming in at all kinds of different paths and experience levels. But I noticed particularly a lot with straight guys, um, they can have a harder time attuning to their female partners and it causes problems. It causes actual sexual assault within the relationship, which is kind of intense because you love each other. You care about each other. But for lack of attunement, you're accidentally sexually assaulting your partner. It's a big deal.
Fēnix 22:43
So painful.
Forest 22:44
It's very painful for both parties. The guy's like, what happened? I don't understand. And the woman is like dramatized. And so the work that I do with many folks, and it's not always that dramatic of an example is just, it starts with the self. It's like, can you attune to yourself? And I've seen this work, particularly, there's like a few guys I have in mind where even over the course of a few months, like it wasn't a lifelong practice, although you continue it as a practice, but they were able to learn these skills within months to be able to tune into their body more and their partner could feel the difference. And even they were shocked at like how much they were noticing more subtle cues from their partner. Whereas before they were so just kind of one track focus, you know, like focus on themselves or sexual desire, for example.
Fēnix 23:33
Right.
Forest 23:34
So I know it makes me a better lover. Long story short. And the same, like, if you were, if I were to witness you neglecting your body, Fēnix, it would be kind of painful for me. Like, of course, I would give you space to be where you are. I might offer you a loving reflection because it's rooted in our agreements, not trying to control you. But it would be hard for me to watch. And the thing is, you take amazing care of your body. Even when you're unwell or you're not 100% healthy, let's say, like there's, you know, chapters, you do such a good job at listening to your body. And it's very attractive. It helps me feel safe, particularly in a sexual sense or when we're being intimate, even emotionally, because I know that you can attune to me and you can very well attune to me. Like I feel so safe and held and considered that I can really let my defenses down. And I think that's what it's all about. the more you can be defenseless in front of another person, that mutual defenselessness. It's such a deep level of intimacy that the mainstream world, like we don't really get to experience that so much in today's like, like ideally in the future, this becomes more of a norm. But right now with where earth is at, like you mainly only experience that in your romantic partnership.
Fēnix 24:56
Well, and it's also just not appropriate to experience that with the mailman, you know? There are, like, it's okay to have
Forest 25:04
Yeah.
Fēnix 25:04
relationships in concentric circles around you where it's like some are closer in, you know? And of course I'm saying this because this is like always been my huge growth edge of like having discernment around who I let into the inner circles versus like who's on the outer circles.
But yeah, thank you for that. Yeah. I mean, just for everyone out there, like it has not always been that way in terms of having that reflection from a partner of like, you take such great care of your body or like feeling
Forest 25:33
a
Fēnix 25:35
lot of communication. I, for me personally, it has definitely been like a communication issue and solution where I, for me as a soul being so like psychic and sensitive, like I, Had a lot of interference, I'll say, between me and my body.
Forest 25:58
I, no,
Fēnix 25:59
And the more that I walked my psychic path, which means, like, you know, I reclaim my own energetic sovereignty and I reclaim my direct communication with my body where it's like I'm actually the one who is calling the shots in my own space.
Forest 26:17
no,
Fēnix 26:17
Like, my energy is what is most important and what is most, like, fitted for my well-being.
Forest 26:23
no.
Fēnix 26:24
Um, the better my relationship with my body has been because the communication has improved. There's less interference. There's less other people in the way. There's less other energies in the way.
Forest 26:37
Yeah.
Fēnix 26:37
That isn't me.
Forest 26:40
Yeah. And that brings us to the concept of communication starts with you and your body.
Fēnix 26:47
Totally.
Forest 26:48
I have a lot of clients. I mean, this is just, it's not about the clients. It's about culture and where we're at as a people, as a culture. But in sessions, there's this common theme of people struggling with communication because they don't understand what's coming up for them. They don't know what to say. It's like, okay, I'm feeling emotional. I'm feeling overwhelmed. But I don't know what emotion. I don't know what I need right now. You know.
Fēnix 27:10
It's like a communication breakdown, basically.
Forest 27:13
Yeah. Yeah. And so that practice of putting the body first, like the body's the primary partner. And then from that is the foundation of any other relationship. It really, you know, we're talking about emotional eating. It does relate to that. Because the more I can be in right relationship with my body, really listen to, hey, are you hungry? Or if I am feeling emotional, it's like grief around my estranged relationship with my mom. I could grab a stevia Coke. Zevia or whatever it's called. Or I could process my emotions, you know. Like I don't have to eat as a way to process. I can do a little somatic work. I can go for a walk or a bike ride or, you know, a million other things.
Fēnix 27:56
Right. It was just eating was the, and we all have versions of this, right? Like
Forest 28:01
Yeah.
Fēnix 28:01
eating was the only thing accessible to you, the most accessible thing to you as a young child. And so much of healing is honestly like reparenting these like younger
Forest 28:12
Yeah.
Fēnix 28:13
parts of you that are actually driving the show still. Like I love this image of that. I think a lot of people talk about or that I see with regards to like the reparenting work, right? Where it's like you are, it's like the image of your inner child like driving this huge semi truck. Like
Forest 28:34
they don't know
Fēnix 28:34
what the fuck they're doing. Like
Forest 28:36
course
Fēnix 28:36
of
Forest 28:37
they're
Fēnix 28:37
scared and like being like, ah, you know. Just like causing all kinds of chaos and reaching for all kinds of things because they're
Forest 28:47
just
Fēnix 28:47
doing the best they can.
Forest 28:48
Yeah.
Fēnix 28:49
With what they got at the time. And then that just becomes a habitual routine or pattern. And it does take effort to rework that pattern. You know, we're habitual creatures. Because of it, it's like reparenting those like inner parts of us that just grabbed for things because they don't, they weren't taught like, or they didn't have someone in front of them who's like, let me, you know, be with you and feel this with you. Let me show you how to feel it.
Forest 29:25
Yeah.
Fēnix 29:28
Speaking of this, I'm noticing some hunger. So I'm noticing some hunger in my body. So I want to stop like in the next minute or two.
Forest 29:36
Oh, okay. I'm sad, but I understand.
Fēnix 29:40
Yeah. It's so like, it's so meta. It's so like, well, like good for the, the theme.
Forest 29:48
I want to share one more thing. I don't know if it'll take a minute or maybe like three. Do you have that in you?
Fēnix 29:53
Fine. Yeah.
Forest 29:53
Okay. But I won't drag you along too long. The
Fēnix 29:57
So
Forest 29:57
body first. Yeah. Great. Green flag.
Fēnix 30:02
Cool.
Forest 30:05
want to share with people that I found a witch doctor locally who's been
Fēnix 30:09
I
Forest 30:10
incredibly helpful. He's a miracle man. He's amazing. I won't go into details about what he does. It's pure magic. And, um, I just had an appointment with him, my second appointment the other day. And he's like, yeah, you got a block there. Let's see what that is. And when he was able to identify it, he was saying, oh, it looks like the diet that you're on, you're actually having such resistance to that emotionally, such a strong emotional reaction that that's keeping you stuck and moving forward. So it was very non-linear progress. Like I was getting a lot better, but I've also been like complaining a lot and grumpy a lot about, I miss food. I've been obsessed with watching cooking shows and like... It's just, like, masochism. I've been smelling hot sauce, because I'm obsessed with hot sauce, but I haven't had it in weeks, and I usually eat it every day. Just been resisting, so.
Fēnix 31:02
Yeah.
Forest 31:03
Man, I'm just, my ego is being cracked open. I am just going through such deep spiritual growth with, like, realizing that, okay, I could continue on a few more months in this incredible pain, really low energy, or I could just fucking let go of the attachment to eating, like, emotionally. I still want to honor pleasure and food and the creativity of cooking. I love that, but I, oh, man, I'm just going through this deep ego death around, okay, yeah, am I actually willing to let go of eating as a tool or an escape? And when I was reflecting on it, I was like, shit, there's a part of me that doesn't want to. So that's the deep work I'm in right now, this letting go. And there was even shame that came up around, oh, my God, I'm so attached to emotional eating, you know? But the whole thing has been a portal for the inner child work, for deepening the self-love practice. I thought I couldn't go deeper. Here it goes.
Yeah, having some... A little one.
That's the last thing I wanted to share. Do you want to share any last words?
Fēnix 32:17
Yeah, I just think that that was a big insight for you around the resistance, because resistance can be so sticky. I think that's very common for people when they go through a change process where they kind of have to go through a step where they let go of the resistance to the process, and then it just...
Forest 32:33
it
Fēnix 32:34
does get easier when you let go of that resistance and just surrender.
Forest 32:38
Yeah. Easier said than done. I've done it before, but haven't had to in a while, so I am being humbled. I'm like, oh, is this what that feels like? I've gotten too comfortable. I need a healthy ego death, you know, like keep me in my place.
Humble student of life.
Fēnix 33:00
Yeah,
Forest 33:00
Well,
Fēnix 33:01
always.
Forest 33:03
thanks for chatting with me.
Fēnix 33:05
Thanks for having
Forest 33:05
It
Fēnix 33:06
me.
Forest 33:06
was a spontaneous idea, and it's so fun that you're willing to just like hop on the mic with me and I don't know, just hold the space for my crazy story.
Fēnix 33:15
Of course, babe. Yeah, thanks for the bravery to share it.
Forest 33:18
Oh, I love you.
Fēnix 33:20
I love you too.
Forest 33:23
That's a wrap.
Wrapped.
I hope you enjoyed that little spontaneous episode. I had such a good time with Fēnix on the podcast and really am looking forward to having her more on the podcast.
It is now a couple days later that I'm recording this outro and I'm actually feeling a lot better, but still on the same bland diet. So, you know, but I'm feeling like I'm making a lot more peace with it inside of myself and that feels, liberating.
Anyways, it's actually really healing for me to share about the things that I'm experiencing shame around because shame can only exist in hiding. When you bring it to the light, it kind of just withers away. So it's really healing for me just to, I guess, kind of publicly declare like, hey, I've got some shame around, you know, like, my state of my health and the way that brings up a feeling of unlivability in me. But I'm already feeling that shift, to be honest with you, as I'm working with it and, you know, talking to friends about it. And, I mean, podcasting about it is pretty next level. But I think the fact that I'm willing to say it on a podcast, like, it's pretty public, goes to show the work I've been doing with it. So, I appreciate you bearing witness. It's really helpful for me, to be honest. I would love to hear how you can relate to this. Leave a comment, let me know. Is this something that you've experienced? What triggers your unlovability wound? I think, within a capitalist world, we kind of internalize this feeling that we are unlovable. It's kind of not the default. There's usually some kind of like, I have to prove my worth or I have to earn or win lovability, have to be achieving enough or whatever enough. You have to be the best. It's really competitive. So, I wonder if you could relate to the emotional eating piece and, yeah, I honestly just love relating over this stuff so let me know how you relate to it. I do have a few events coming up so if you want to deepen into your own shadow work, I have a free hour-long call where you can ask me anything. It happens the first Wednesday of every month. The next one is coming up Wednesday I... March 4th. It's called Relationship Hour. Come and ask me anything. I'll give you my unique perspective. And to sign up for that, you can click on the link in the description below or you can check out my website, ConsciousRelating. org. I also have a workshop coming up on March 10th to help you receive boundaries with more ease. This is a common issue that honestly I also run into, but I've been working on it. But a lot of folks I work with run into this quite a bit. So, you know, it's that scenario where you want to support your partner's autonomy, but when they tell you no or not right now, it brings up a big emotional reaction for you. And what I see a lot of people getting hooked on is the rejection that it can bring up. Even when logically you know you're not being rejected, there's this kind of tender younger part that, you know, the wounding kind of gets touched into. if that's okay, that it can help you. So if that's you, you want to support your partner in their autonomy and you want to be able to receive a boundary without so much emotional charge around it, we're going to work with that together. Do a little bit of somatics, a little bit energy work. And honestly, a big part of it is just releasing the shame around it. So you can go to my website, I would love to see you there. I would love to see you there.
