Conscious Monogamy Part 1: Why We Lose Ourselves in Relationships (and How It Kills Intimacy)

What is Conscious Monogamy — and why do so many long-term relationships slowly lose intimacy over time?

In this first episode of the Conscious Monogamy series, relationship coach Forest Williams explores one of the most common (and destructive) unconscious patterns in monogamous relationships: identity enmeshment. When partners lose their sovereignty and fuse identities, it creates control dynamics, resentment, stagnation, anxiety, and declining sexual chemistry.

You’ll learn the difference between unconscious monogamy (codependency and control) and Conscious Monogamy (sovereignty, autonomy, and mutual growth). If you want a long-term relationship that deepens over time instead of quietly eroding, this episode will show you how maintaining individuality actually strengthens intimacy, trust, and passion.

Perfect for spiritually oriented couples committed to growth, shadow work, and building a secure, thriving partnership.

CHAPTERS

00:00 Who This Episode Is For

Why prioritizing your relationship requires conscious intention instead of default programming.

02:30 What Is Conscious Monogamy?

The difference between unconscious monogamy (codependency and control) and conscious monogamy (sovereignty and growth).

06:15 The Identity Enmeshment Trap

How losing yourself in your relationship creates confusion, stagnation, and subtle control dynamics.

12:40 Control, “Shoulds,” and the War Paradigm

How unconscious ownership and subtle control erode safety and authenticity.

18:50 Why Enmeshment Kills Sexual Chemistry

How lack of differentiation reduces desire, mystery, and long-term attraction.

23:30 Trust, Autonomy, and Mutual Defenselessness

Why sovereignty builds nervous system safety and deeper intimacy.

29:45 Sovereignty as Spiritual Practice

How conscious monogamy turns your relationship into a vehicle for growth instead of stagnation.

35:00 Invitation to Go Deeper

The Conscious Couple container and Love Without Losing Yourself course.

If your relationship is a priority for you, it's not just this thing you're doing to survive capitalism, but you enjoy your partner and you want to continue deepening over time and seeing how deep it can go, this episode is for you. And I would say particularly if you're in a monogamous relationship, because what we're going to talk about today is conscious monogamy. What is it? How does it help you continue to deepen your bond over time? And it's such a huge topic that this is the first part of a series, so we're just going to focus in on one, let's call it unconscious, um, trap that people fall into, which is enmeshing your identity. So we're going to look at what does this trap look like? How does it slowly erode your relationship over time? And how do you get out of it? So let's get into it. If you're deeply committed to your relationship, but keep getting pulled into the same reactive loops that feel disconnecting, you're not alone. I'm Forrest Williams, Certified Relationship Coach, and I guide devoted couples to untangle the unconscious dynamics that get in the way of intimacy and quietly erode connection over time. Here, we explore conscious relating as a spiritual practice, where your relationship becomes a sanctuary for healing, growth, and a steady source of joy instead of struggle. So what is conscious monogamy? Before I actually get into this, what I want to share with you is where I'm coming from in my perspective. So for eight years, I was pretty deep into the non-monogamous paradigm. I was non-monogamous and I was offering coaching to like exclusively non-monogamous people, which now like I coach everyone, monogamous, non-monogamous. But it was such an interesting experience to have because most people kind of just default to monogamy. They don't really explore their, I guess, relationship format. It reminds me of how straight men, a lot of them don't really explore their sexuality. They're just like, yeah, I'm straight and that's that. Whereas women, even if they're straight, they might be more prone or open to like exploring, well, what if I kiss a girl? Well, I like it. Whereas men are less likely to do that. You know what I mean? So for me to spend eight years in a whole different paradigm, and of course I've spent many more years in the monogamy paradigm, it just really informs my perspective. Because what I see in the non-monogamous community is a lot of people talking about how to relate consciously. And like not every non-monogamous relationship is a conscious relationship, by the way. It's all practice, you know? But I see it very less commonly talked about in the monogamous community, what does it look like to relate consciously. And I think this is a really underserved area. And I think it's really needed because like I said, your relationship kind of depends on it, honestly. Because if you default to the mainstream paradigm, it is a paradigm of disconnection, unfortunately, you know? And so it does slowly and quietly erode your relationship over time. And that's not what you want. And so if you want to have a healthy, long-term relationship where you can grow together and continue deepening together, where it just gets richer and richer, more easeful, more satisfying over time, you have to relate consciously. So this is imperative. You have to deprogram from the default norm because the default norm does not lead to success. It leads to survival. It leads to struggle, you know? Like you can get to the finish line with blood, sweat, and tears, but you don't have to. You can get to the finish line with joy and ease. And so that's what conscious relating is all about. And what we're going to look at is what does that look like in the context of monogamy? So let's get back to what is conscious monogamy, right?

And maybe it's easier actually to start with identifying what is unconscious monogamy because that's the norm. So the norm is a commodity that you kind of try to fit yourself into the mold. But the thing is, relationships are not commodified. They can't be. You can attempt to force yourself into the mold, but that's going to make things wobbly and it's going to make your relationship less resilient over time. It ultimately leads to struggle and destruction. You know, like I said, you can cross the finish line, like hating each other and resenting each other or getting in fights all the time, but you don't have to. That's a different paradigm. So, what is conscious monogamy? It's all about relating authentically, you know, instead of defaulting to the societal programming. So, we look at what is true for you, what is true for your partner, and what is true for you as a couple? Because very rarely does it look the same for people. So, if your goal is lifelong relationship, relating consciously and engaging in conscious monogamy will 100% increase your odds. It's going to be better for you. So, what I want to share with you is this common pattern of identity enmeshment. That is a big part of unconscious monogamy, that's the norm, and it creates a lot of But, it's so normalized that you have to first see it and understand how it creates a disconnection for you to take a step out of that and do something different. Step into a paradigm that creates a long-term satisfying connection. So, let's look at that. First, I just want to say, like, the general norm with unconscious monogamy, it's a paradigm of codependency and enmeshment. And so, enmeshing your identity is just one flavor of that. That's what we're going to focus on. What this does when you enmesh your identity is it creates confusion. You start to be confused about who you are as a person outside of the relationship. So, imagine, you know, you're in this long-term relationship and things are going well. They don't have to be, like, hard or you're struggling. But, if you are enmeshing your relationship where you kind of lose yourself to the relationship, let's say you go on a trip or something for a week and you're on your own, you might literally feel confused or you might feel disoriented or you might feel this, like, this longing. And, like, it's natural and healthy to miss your partner. But when you feel like something is missing from you, that's part of that identity enmeshment and that confusion where it feels like a piece of you is missing. So, what happens when you enmesh your identity is you actually become the relationship. You lose yourself. It gets swallowed up into the relationship. In contrast, in conscious monogamy, you relate as two sovereign people. You maintain your agency. You're two whole people. And then, in addition to you two people as individuals, there's a third entity, which we can call the spirit of the relationship. So, what happens in unconscious monogamy is there's not those three elements, the two individuals and the spirit of the relationship, which is something that transcends both of you. It's what both of you create together, both culturally and energetically.

And what happens is you just kind of blob into one entity, like you become the third entity, which is confusing, you know, because that's not you. That is a byproduct of your love, but that's not you. You see what I'm saying?

So, what happens when you enmesh your identity? Well, one thing is you start to unconsciously exert more control in your relationship. And we can look at control as one of those mainstream paradigms. And if you really zoom out, you can understand that's part of a war paradigm. You know, it's domination and control. So, this is never the conscious intention, because it would be crazy to say, yeah, I want to relate to you through a lens of a war paradigm. It just leads to disconnection. But this is why it's an unconscious norm. You controlling your partner is always going to lead to disconnection. So, let me give you some examples. When you start to see yourself as your partner, or you start to identify with who your partner is, you start to put more shoulds in their space. Oh, maybe you should buy this car. Maybe you should wear these clothes. Or maybe you should go to school to be a doctor and be in this profession or, you know, whatever profession. Because it's less about the person themselves, and it becomes more of how you see yourself. Are you the kind of person who's married to, let's say, a chiropractor or a masseuse or what have you, right? Or let's say, if you're really triggered by Western medicine, then maybe that's, like, a real issue for you. You're like, oh, why don't you study Oriental medicine, you know? Because it's reflecting on how you view yourself. But what's happening is, you know, there's kind of, like, not any space for that person to be themself, to be authentic. And that can lead to a feeling of rejection, where it doesn't feel safe to express themselves because it's like, well, will I still be lovable? Will I still be welcome in this relationship? So it leads to a lot of shoulds in the other person's space. And really, that's your energy in their space, or maybe your partner does this to you, and you can relate to this. But really, like, your energy belongs to you, their energy belongs to them, and then there's the third entity, the spirit of the relationship, you know? But when your energy is in their space, kind of like telling them what they should do, what they should wear, how they should live their life, it starts to get really sticky and it can feel disconnecting because the other person essentially, like, disappears.

The other side effect of this identity enmeshment is it creates stagnancy in the relationship. So, if you are viewing yourself, like, the way you relate to yourself, your identity is wrapped up in another person, so let's say you're one half, the other person is one half, versus you being two whole people, and then there's the spirit of the relationship. So, half of your identity is wrapped up in the other person. If your partner starts to make any shifts, your identity might start to feel threatened. Or vice versa, if you start, let's say, you have a near-death experience or something, and you go through this big spiritual awakening, and then your partner is like, who the hell are you and who the hell am I? You know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's really disruptive. They can't really just hold space for you to be where you're at and relate to you as who you are and where you're at in that time. They start to feel like their identity is threatened. And so, subconsciously, to soothe the nervous system activation that that fear kind of creates, like, who the hell am I when my partner's changing? They unconsciously start trying to control you, or let's say, cap you, put a cap on your growth. And so, it creates stagnancy. So, this is kind of a lot of information. I want to summarize this in a more succinct way.

Your partner might unconsciously be incentivized to stunt your own growth. They don't want you to change so that their nervous system can relax and feel safe. If you're falling into that trap of enmeshing your identity. And so, you might start to feel stifled. You might start to feel claustrophobic. Because change is natural, right? Like, anything alive is constantly changing. There's this quote by Octavia Butler that I super-duper resonate with. What is it again? Everything you touch, you change. Everything you change, changes you. The only lasting truth is change. God is change. That really resonates with me. And there's this idea, I think, in Taoism. I'm not, like, professionally studied in Taoism. I just vibe with it. I like it. But I think there's this Taoist concept that, like, life is change. And anything that is stifled is actually in the process of death. It's not in the process of living. So, to be alive is to change. It is to transform. And if you're listening to this podcast, you really value spiritual growth. You like doing the shadow work and kind of having these ego deaths and expanding and growing and expanding your consciousness. If you're enmeshing your identity, when you are in that process of expanding your consciousness, when you're changing and, like, actually just, let's say, living life, it can start to threaten the relationship. Change is viewed as a threat. And that is not a recipe for long-term deepening your love. It's a recipe for a lot of struggle and disconnect, a lot of control. And so, as a result of this, you can feel less confident in the relationship, but just less confident in yourself. So, you actually start to feel disconnected from yourself because, let's say, you start becoming afraid to change because you're like, oh, my God, can my partner handle this? Or are we going to grow apart instead of together? And so, you might start self-suppressing. And you start to feel disconnected from yourself. Or, if you're feeling swallowed into the relationship, you do kind of lose yourself. And so, it leads to this disconnection of, well, who am I?

And it can also lead to this feeling that you're not enough as you are. Or, actually, that you're too much. It's kind of like two sides of the same coin. So, maybe if you're changing, you're too much, right? Or, if your partner is putting all these shoulds in your space, oh, you should put your hair this way, or you should dress this way, oh, I'm not enough. You see? So, that's the unconscious paradigm. We know where it leads. It leads to a road you don't want to go down to. So, let's talk about how do you get unstuck from that pattern? How do you not fall into that trap of enmeshing your identity in your monogamous relationship? And this is where conscious monogamy comes in. And guess what? It's all about sovereignty. So, conscious monogamy, a big component of it, is maintaining sovereignty in the relationship, which means you don't lose yourself in the relationship. It means you're relating as one whole person to another whole person. And then, of course, there's the third entity, the spirit of the relationship. So you're not enmeshing into one, and you belong to yourself, because there is this idea in unconscious monogamy that you belong to each other. And that can be true if you think about it as the third entity, right, the spirit of the relationship. There is, like, an agreement of, like, let's partner up and belong to each other. But it almost, it gets a little shadowy when you think of this mainstream paradigm of ownership and control, that war paradigm. If you're belonging to someone else without also belonging to yourself, or let's say without belonging to yourself first, you lose yourself, right? And so you need to belong to yourself first. And then if you choose to belong to each other, that's fine. But you cannot lose yourself. That's part of conscious monogamy. It's maintaining that sovereignty. If you look at the word sovereignty, what I think is interesting is it has the word reign in it. So if you think of, like, a king reigning over a kingdom. But the idea with sovereignty is that nobody rules you. You are your own authority. And so within that context, your partner doesn't have the authority to tell you what to wear, or how to dress, how to do your makeup, what career to pursue. They're just there relating to you as a whole person.

And so it's this idea of relating authentically. Nobody's telling you what to do or trying to control you. You can relate as two free, sovereign people. And this is very countercultural because, you know, it's funny because the U. S. talks a lot about freedom, but there's not a lot of freedom in the U. S. It's like, it's very much like kind of slowly drifting into kind of like a military state where there's not a lot of freedom. There's like a lot of surveillance and a lot of dark agendas trying to control the population. And so to really uplift sovereignty within your relationship, not only is it countercultural, but it's liberating. You're liberating yourself from the shackles of the mainstream paradigm and how that seeps into the unconscious, where even within your most intimate relationship, you don't feel free. So if you can break out of that mental trap, that mental oppression and find freedom, maintain sovereignty in your relationship, I mean, talk about conscious relating. That's a way to expand your consciousness. That's a high vibe way of relating. And when we look at the opposite of sovereignty, we get codependence, you know, which is the mainstream norm. It is part of that word paradigm, that enmeshment.

And we know what that leads to over time. But actually, I want to add a couple of layers to this. So one thing I want to say is it leads to more resentment because, you know, any form of resentment stems from an unmet need. So if you're losing your sense of self, you're losing your autonomy in your relationship, somebody's trying to control you, maybe with good intention from a loving place, but it's shadowy nonetheless. If you're feeling that control being exerted upon you, it's inevitably going to feel claustrophobic and like there's some kind of need you're suppressing or there's some kind of authenticity that can't come out. And that will lead to resentment. When you're feeling controlled or like you don't have full autonomy over your life, if there's a choice you make that you're not fully satisfied with, you're going to resent your partner because your partner's energy is all in that choice. And resentment is a sure way to slowly and quietly erode your relationship over time. It is not a recipe for success. Another thing that happens when you default to that identity enmeshment is that you're going to feel less sexual chemistry. And it's interesting because the intention might be the opposite. You might think let's merge, you know, let's merge identities. Let's merge our whole entire lives to get a sense of closeness. But the actual result is that there's less differentiation between you and there's less mystery. And a lot of that sexual chemistry actually, as far as like a long-term relationship goes, it comes from that differentiation and that mystery. It comes from coming apart so you can choose to come back together. But when you're constantly enmeshed and all up in each other's spaces and even the identity, I mean, that's the most intimate kind of sense of personal space is how you relate to yourself or view yourself. It's naturally just going to lower that sexual chemistry between you two. Another result of falling into that codependency, that identity enmeshment, you're actually gonna trust each other less because you're not giving each other the space to be yourself. And so anytime when you're not giving each other enough space, it's a reflection of an absence of trust because there's a lot that goes into trust, but one aspect of trust and how it's built is giving each other the space to make decisions on your own, to see how you grow over time on your own and trusting that the relationship can grow together, not apart. Trusting that, you know, your evolution is not threatening who I am as a person or my stability.

The trust is really built in the coming back together. Each time you kind of pull away or you're in your individuation, your autonomy, and you come back together, it's the coming back together that says, look, look what we can do and maintain relationship. Look at the individuation or the autonomy or sovereignty we can maintain and still have this thriving, healthy, close relationship. That's a big part of how trust is built. If you're not giving each other enough space where you can be your own person in the relationship, you're gonna feel really anxious in the relationship. because let's say you leave for a week on a vacation, you come back, maybe your partner has had the smallest little change. You're going to feel super anxious like, whoa, what is going on? Who am I becoming? Because they are like representing half of you.

And so when you're relating from this place of anxiousness, like I must control who I am by controlling my partner by monitoring, how are they changing X, Y, Z, it's going to feel less intimate because your nervous system is not going to be settled. Your nervous system is going to be on edge. You know, one of my mentors, a somatic practitioner, Luis Mojica, he describes co-regulation as mutual defenselessness, which I think is so beautiful. It's where the nervous system can really relax.

That is a form of intimacy. If there is mutual defenselessness, you're experiencing some of the deepest intimacy you can experience. But if there's that unconscious energy of control seeping into the relationship as a result of enmeshment, there's going to be a lot more anxiety, a lot less nervous system regulation, and that's not going to create a scenario for mutual defenselessness. And so as a result, you experience less intimacy. It's kind of interesting, huh? Maybe it's kind of heavy to hear. I don't know, but I think it's good to be aware of it because you don't want this. You don't want to fall into this. And it's such a common trap that if you're not aware of it, it's so easy to fall into it because it's like a little groove that you just naturally fall into. The path is paved for you, but you don't have to walk that path. You can walk the authentic path. And that's the path where trust grows and actually your bond can continue growing over time. So when you maintain sovereignty in a relationship, you are divesting from that unconscious paradigm

and your relationship actually becomes a vessel for growth. And that's how you grow spiritually is by growing and evolving and expanding, transforming. So you're not in this stagnant place where you feel trapped in a relationship. Maybe it feels safe to some degree, but your safety relies upon stagnancy or being confined or controlled versus the freedom and the liberation and the consciousness revolution of finding safety in your relationship through sovereignty, through the actual freedom of being yourself in the relationship and having that be celebrated and welcomed. And not only that, but like, for me personally, my relationship, like me and my partner are constantly growing. We're constantly having ego deaths. I'm going through a huge ego death right now. You know, it's like really triggering, but we inspire each other. It's kind of like, um, like bike pedals, you know, it's like one of us is having ego death and inspires the other person and then they're growing, you know, and then the other person's growing. It's like reverberations of growth and inspiration. And, you know, that's really meaningful to me because I'm a spiritual soul and a big part of my spiritual practice is kind of divesting from these unconscious norms of disconnection from this unconscious war paradigm. That's like kind of seeping into my, my behaviors, my beliefs. That's not my highest truth. You know, a big part of my spiritual practice is to relate from the heart is to liberate my heart. Really? And so spiritual growth is at the forefront of my spiritual practice, you know, it's like looking at my shadows, working with them lovingly and transforming them, feeling expanded and free, you know, and all the while like deepening the bond. It's all about seeing how deep can it go over time. That to me is like the most exciting thing in the world is how deep can we take this? Because there's no end to it. It's so abundant. You could just endlessly explore intimacy and depth and, and see how deep can the trust go, you know? So it's all about relating long-term, but not from a place of like, okay, you're barely making it across the finish line. Like you technically did it, but you're kind of suffering or you're miserable or you're feeling disconnected or you're confused. Like who the hell am I? It's all about that long-term relationship where it gets richer and more satisfying over time. And it's full of ease and joy. That's what it's all about.

So leave it there for today. If you want to deepen into this work and actually put it into practice, I have designed a four month container called the conscious couple, where there is the structure to actually help you implement this into your life, which will help you deepen your bond over time and ensure the longevity of your relationship. You sign up for the wait list. Now you could save hundreds of dollars. You can do that by going to conscious relating. org. Click on events. You'll see it there, or there's a link in the description below. And if you want a taster of that, see if that's the right fit for you. I am hosting a four week course in may. It's called love without losing yourself. Similar concept. Just a smaller container help you really put this into practice. And it's all about maintaining sovereignty in your relationship. So you can deepen your bond over time. And again, you can go to conscious relating. org or click the link in the description below. Do also offer a couple sessions. So if you want more personalized support, you can book one of those sessions on my website, conscious relating. org. And like I said, this is the first of a series. So I'm going to continue posting about conscious monogamy. We're going to look at different elements like sex, for example, communication, social engagement or community engagement. So how do you interact with all of these different things within a framework of conscious monogamy? Make sure to subscribe to the podcast. Click the bell for notifications so you can be aware of when the next episode comes out. And consider leaving a review because that does help other people find the podcast, which I feel like maybe I'm biased, but I feel like it's pretty important information. Thanks for being here. I hope you found this information helpful. Peace be with you.