Feeling Secure Outside of Sex — What Real Safety in Relationship Actually Feels Like

Chapters:

1. Why Sex Is Often Used to Regulate Emotional Insecurity
How sex becomes a coping strategy for anxiety, distance, or fear of abandonment.

2. The Difference Between Sexual Connection and Emotional Safety
Why great sex doesn’t automatically equal secure attachment.

3. “We’re Fine as Long as We’re Having Sex”
How couples unconsciously rely on sex to avoid deeper relational repair.

4. What It Means to Be Secure Outside of Sex
Defining real safety, stability, and trust when sex isn’t present or available.

5. Attachment Wounds That Surface When Sex Slows Down
Why anxiety, shutdown, resentment, or self-doubt often appear during sexual dry spells.

6. Using Sex to Avoid Vulnerability
How performance, desire, or chemistry can replace honest emotional contact.

7. The Nervous System Beneath Sexual Desire
Understanding how regulation, safety, and attunement affect libido and connection.

8. When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other
Why desire mismatch isn’t the problem—how it’s handled is.

9. Security Is Built in the In-Between Moments
How everyday responsiveness, care, and consistency create lasting safety.

10. Emotional Availability Without Sexual Access
Learning how to stay open, connected, and loving even when sex isn’t happening.

11. How Secure Attachment Changes Sex (Not the Other Way Around)
Why safety deepens desire instead of killing it.

12. Repair After Rejection or Disconnection
What actually helps partners reconnect after hurt feelings around sex.

13. Decoupling Self-Worth From Sexual Validation
Why needing sex to feel lovable keeps relationships fragile.

14. The Role of Boundaries in Sexual Security
How saying no—or hearing no—can build trust instead of eroding it.

15. What Secure Love Feels Like in the Body
Somatic cues that signal safety, regulation, and grounded connection.

16. From Sex as Proof to Sex as Play
How security transforms sex from reassurance-seeking into genuine intimacy.

17. Reflection: Where Do You Look for Safety in Your Relationship?
Gentle questions to explore attachment, desire, and emotional reliance.

I realized that if I wanted to feel more secure in my relationship outside of sex and wanted to seek that out through emotional intimacy, that I would have to be a little more vulnerable in the way I was showing up to my relationships.

A lot of people, myself included, in the past, um, have tried to feel secure in their relationship by basing that feeling of security on sex. And this is such a common phenomenon, and I personally think that part of that is because when there is an absence of these, like, soft skills or these relationship skills, that it's, it might feel more accessible to rely on sex as a way to feel secure in the relationship. There's also, like, a real chemical cocktail that happens when you're having sex, and so it is bonding. Like, there's no way around that. There is some truth to, um, like, sex being a part of bonding and helping you feel secure in the relationship. But I've just had such a personal journey with this over the last, like, maybe four years or something like that. I've really been, like, confronting this head on. And I thought, well, why not just share my personal story, actually, because that's the best way to address this specific topic, I think, is through storytelling. So what I want to share with you today is, um, actually just how fleeting it is to base your sense of security through sex, um, in the relationship. It definitely plays a role. There's a place for sex. But if you're making that the number one way that you're obtaining your sense of safety or security in the relationship, it's actually this very fleeting kind of sense of safety, and it doesn't last beyond the moment you're having sex. And so what it could do is also just make you very sex hungry, and then super duper anxious when you're not having sex. Yeah. So, it doesn't actually address the root of developing secure attachment. Um, and I wanted to share my story because I've learned so much through experience. If you're into human design, I have a three line, which it just means that part of my life path is experimenting the hell out of things. Um, I'm actually a six three line. So, if you know, you know, it's like accentuated three line. Um, but what I do is I, I live from experience and I teach from my experience. That's just the vibe. So, this is an interesting story. Um, particularly because I was born female and then it wasn't until I was 25 when I started transitioning to male and now obviously I'm presenting as male, um, but I still have a female body. So, part of my story is informed by my trans experience. Part of it is informed by, you know, just like growing up in a patriarchal society. as a woman, how that impacted the way I related to sex, how I started healing, um, the sexual shame when I got older as like, you know, as my twenties, I'm 32 right now. And what I've learned along the way, because I kind of went from one extreme to the other. And now I think I'm finding that sweet spot in the middle. Um, and I actually feel way more secure in my relationship now that I have found that sweet spot and I'm not leaning as hard on sex to feel secure in the relationship. It still plays a role, but it's not the primary thing I'm, I'm leaning on for security. And it's such a liberating feeling that I actually want to share this story because I think it's pretty relatable. You know, like I said, people don't have the skills to no fault their own that you just don't grow up, um, in an imperialist society, learning relational skills. That's just not a, a norm of the times that we're living in. So I want to share what it was like for me personally, um, to find that middle ground, because you might relate to it. It might offer you some guidance. Um, and maybe you yourself could feel a sense of freedom around not having to have sex, um, to feel that sense of security. Like what if sex was just an added bonus and not like something you had to have, or you were anxious without it. So that's what we're looking at when we're talking about secure attachment. It's not this thing that you're constantly reaching for this thing that's fleeting that you have to keep convincing yourself. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. It's just a knowing that this is a secure relationship. You could relax into just enjoying the pleasure of being in the relationship. There's less stress about, am I safe? Why aren't we having sex? Why do I want sex more than my partner? Cause maybe your partner isn't relating to sex the same way. Maybe it is added bonus for them, but for you, it's like, I need to know I'm safe, you know? And so there's something that happens too, in your experience of sex. Well, I'll say for me, in my experience of sex is changed dramatically. Um, since I've been able to heal my shadows, basically. So that's what I want to share with you today. And I would just ask that you show me some curiosity and some compassion because what I'm sharing is very personal. Oh, so let's get into it. What if your sacred partnership could be a source of pleasure and stability amidst the chaos of these times? I'm your host, Forrest Williams, certified relationship coach and disciple of love. And I help you learn the art of trust by waking up from unconscious patterns so you can enjoy the pleasure of relating.

So, of course, I want to start with just how I grew up. So I grew up in Missouri. Okay. As a woman, I guess I grew up as a girl, right? Like socialized female. Um, I have always had a high sex drive. Um, I think it's actually really taboo, uh, for people to admit this, but in my experience, it's actually super common. I think it's a myth that men have higher sex drives than women, like as a general rule of thumb, because there are plenty of men who have lower sex drives. People's hormones is more like a spectrum. It's not just like either testosterone or estrogen, right? It's like, and when you're going through puberty, regardless of whether it's testosterone or estrogen, you're getting horny, right? Like it's a surge of hormones and the bodily changes that you experience. There's just, there's no way around the horniness. I know some people identify on the asexual spectrum. That's not what I'm speaking to today. That's not my experience. Okay. Maybe I've had the opposite experience of that. It's like hypersexual. So that's cool. I don't mean to like invalidate anything. I'm just sharing what was true for me and kind of what was my journey into finding more security outside of just relying on sex. Okay. So I grew up with a high sex drive, but of course, because I was socialized female, I was taught to have a lot of shame around that. Whereas of course, if you're socialized male, it's like something that you celebrate and it's like, you get like street cred for like having a high sex drive or for being really sexual or for like getting laid or whatever. Right? So for me, it was this thing where I would masturbate all the time. It was a huge stress reliever for me. I'll never forget when I discovered masturbation, I was like, Oh my God, what on earth just happened?

And it changed my life. I was like, wow, this is like some good medicine. You know, it's like a free vacation, you know, it's really empowering. I think to be able to like generate pleasure. Um, especially for me, cause I grew up in a very violent household, very violent. And so for me to masturbate, it was something that I could do to bond with myself, but also just take a little vacation from all the stress in the house. So I leaned on that quite a lot and it felt really empowering for me. But then the social stigma around a woman being sexual or embracing her sexuality, of course you get labeled as a slut or whatever. And I don't think I was ever a slut mostly because when I was younger, I would always like people who didn't like me back. And so I wasn't hooking up a lot. I was just masturbating a lot. But then of course, when I entered my twenties, that's when I was like more exploring my sexuality with other people more actively. And man, it was kind of an interesting experience because when my personal relationship with myself towards sex, I had felt really empowered, but that empowerment actually didn't translate into the bedroom because you know, the way that patriarchy socializes men, it doesn't really like emphasize emotional attunement or like really care. Right. Because having sex is like this thing. It's like points that you get for street cred and the emphasis is mostly on the man, on the male orgasm, all that stuff. And so I was trying to be empowered in my sexuality. I was like traveling across Latin America in my twenties. I did that for 13 months, backpacking, living abroad. And I was just hooking up with people. I was like, yeah, I'm empowered in my sexuality. I'm a free woman. Like, let me use my body. Let me like use my freedom. I want to have sex. And so you, I choose you. And then that was the cool thing about being a woman is like, you can just, you know, like most men will have sex with you, which isn't always great. It's not the safest situation, but that felt empowering. I was like, cool. Who do I want to have sex with tonight? You, you know, like not just like randomly. I would like have some banter or something, whatever. So it was a little phase I went through, but because of the social conditioning. And for me, like I wasn't really holding boundaries. I wasn't advocating for my needs. I wasn't advocating for what gave me pleasure. I was just like, Oh, well this is empowering. Cause I'm choosing to have sex and I have sexual freedom, but the way that the men were treating me did not feel empowering actually. And it was not centered around my pleasure. It was centered around their pleasure. And so it was just kind of this like shallow kind of experience didn't last that long. And I was like, okay, this is not it. Right. Um, and so later on in my later twenties, um, I found more sexual empowerment and he's very like reciprocal caring relationships that are sex positive. Um, but that was my background. So I grew up with a high sex drive, a lot of shame around that just because of what society tells you as a woman. And then attempting to exert my, my female sexual empowerment, but actually feeling disempowered just because of social conditioning. And so it wasn't until I was 25 that I started transitioning, um, to male. I started taking testosterone. Um, I got top surgery and I mean, really it starts with the testosterone. So that was my second puberty. I was like, man, just so horny all the time. My sex drive is already high without the testosterone. I think testosterone. Yes. It does make you like, um, sexual. And of course just puberty in general won't like just it does make you really horny. And so I was insanely horny all the time, masturbating multiple times a day. Like my first year on testosterone, especially the first few months. I'm like, God, it was like, it was a lot, bought a lot of toys for that period of time. I already had some, but then I had to stock up and like really take care of myself. And so it was just an interesting experience for me to kind of Dabble a foot in both worlds to have gone through the female puberty and then to be going to puberty a second time, which I honestly don't recommend. It's insane. That was so stressful. I don't regret it, but I also don't recommend it. It's like pretty intense, to be honest with you. Um, man, puberty is just a lot. And like, you forget when you get older, but oh my God, it humbled me so much. It was a big period of time. Um, anyways, so the whole going through a second time, um, I don't know. Puberty, um, my therapist warned me. She was like, you know, the first time you're going through puberty, you were in middle school and high school. And now the second time you're going through puberty, it might trigger some of those feelings of being in middle school or high school, um, which it totally did. And it was interesting because at the time I was 25, but you know, I think it took about three months for my face shape to start changing for like little tiny hairs to start growing on my face for really the testosterone to start taking effect. I did not at all look like a man. If anything, um, people mistook me for being a little boy. Um, it was, it's like a weird, awkward androgynous phase that I'm so grateful I'm done with. And I'm sure like boys who go through puberty and become men experience this, you know? And so I do feel like I've lived a little bit of both worlds. It's kind of interesting there. Um, but I got carded at Ubers. Like I would order an Uber and they would say, can I see your ID? And I'm like, why? And they said, you have to be 18 to ride in an Uber. And I was 25. And then this is the craziest part is I, um, was just doing some, like, um, a side gig. I was like delivering food for money on my bike. Um, cause I was living in Oakland where I could do that. Oakland, Um, and one of the people who I had picked up food from like a restaurant worker, she looked at me like, like, am I seeing this right? Like she looked like she saw something abnormal. And I was like, what? And she said, how old are you? And I said, how old do I look? And she said 14. And I was like, okay, I'm 25. Like she was just like, why is this 14 year old working a job basically? Um, so the point is I looked way younger than I was. It was an awkward phase. In many ways, I did feel like I was a little boy. And, you know, for the first time in my life, I was kind of exploring, what is it like to dress like a boy? You know, cause that's something I had always dreamt of doing as a kid. Um, that's always how I felt as a kid. Like for me, I've known since I was about four years old, like I just knew it, but it wasn't safe for me in my environment to admit that out loud. And so it was like this desire I had never acted on, but always like literally dreamt of, or sometimes, you know, when no one's looking, I like close my door and like dress in the mirror, like a boy and like, just look at myself and pretend like I'm rapping. I'm just being like, whatever, expressing masculinity. Um, so in many ways I did feel like kind of this emotional maturity of a middle schooler, like feeling a little emotionally volatile because I was going through puberty. So horny, all I could think about was sex all the time because I was going through puberty and exploring, like, what is it like to be perceived male? And what is it like for me to treat myself like a boy or like a man? But in that moment, more like a boy, I feel more like a man now. Um, and so something I had never done as a girl is look at porn. Like that was just off the table, never crossed my mind, you know? Um, but I thought, well, what if I was raised male? You know, like going through this puberty just had me in that mindset of like, what if, what if I had been socially conditioned a different way? And it's not that I was aspiring to, um, conform to patriarchy or like be a patriarchal boy or a patriarchal man. I was just genuinely curious because I felt like my experience up until that point had been so confined into this one box that didn't even resonate with, but because I was just so insecure in myself, I was like finding myself really trapped in that box. And so I was like, well, what the hell else is out here? You know? And so I started looking at porn. Um, honestly, it didn't really resonate with it a lot, like at least not the patriarchal porn. Um, but there is some queer porn and some feminist porn that I really enjoy. So it was just this whole exploration of like exploring porn and that kind of stuff. And I went through a period of healing a lot of body shame because I first had to learn how to love my female body just because patriarchy, like. Yeah. If the female body doesn't look this one very specific narrow way, if you have big boobs and a small waist, which I never had either of those, okay? Like, I was not conventionally attractive. I think I'm way hotter as a man, okay? Debatable, but I just feel a lot more confident and comfortable in my skin, like, as I am now, so. But I had so much shame just around existing in a female body, you know? Like, even if I wasn't trans, I think there's just so much shame that's put on females. I think men experience this in their own way, too. I particularly hear gay men talk about this a lot, that in the gay men community, there's so much pressure to have, like, this chiseled body with, like, rock-hard abs to be like that, whatever, that, like, stereotypical gay male you see in Hollywood or, like, in the movies or whatever. So, I don't think, I think it's just a human thing, but I was experiencing it in my own way. I think it's hard to love your female body when you grow up in a patriarchal society. Um, but then being trans on top of that, I had these insecurities of, like, oh my god, am I a freak? Are people gonna not be interested in me? People are gonna be afraid of me? People won't wanna date me? Like, because I've always been mostly attracted to women. Like, I don't know, I've dated a few men here and there. I'll never do it again, to be honest with you. It's just not my cup of tea. It's not my thing. It was an experiment, okay? But I've always been mostly attracted to women and, um, I had this insecurity about, like, oh goodness, I'm gonna have to find a woman who is maybe pansexual or bisexual, someone who likes both men and women, and someone who's open to, like, dating a trans person. And so I had all these insecurities, which, like, were totally debunked with time. But as a young, pubescent boy in my fucking mid-twenties, I was experiencing so much insecurity, you know? Like, that's the thing about puberty in general, is you don't know what's around the corner. You know generally what kind of symptoms of puberty can happen. But I didn't know when I was gonna grow facial hair, what my facial hair would look like. You know, all those little things. Um, it's just a time of deep insecurity. And so I was like, who is going to love my weird body, or really my queer body, my non-conforming body? Like, there's no going back on this. And I was full in. I was like, whatever. This is for me. Um, but I just had all these insecurities. And so it was a period of time for me where not only was I embracing my sexuality with more pride, because there is less stigma around men expressing their sexuality. And so I was just kind of like, yeah, fuck it. I have permission. And exploring porn, exploring all these toys. Really just embracing my sex drive, not feeling so much shame around it. Feeling like, yeah, I'm a pubescent boy. And like, really owning that, you know? Because I had always wanted to go through that and never had. So it was something I was proud of. Um, and then some really healing work I did was actually just like looking in the mirror at my body naked. Um, and not even like sexually necessarily, but just bringing attention with my awareness to which parts of my body, like my love handles, or I don't know, whatever it It's really just like, I guess, the more traditionally feminine parts or whatever, what Western society would say is like feminine. And just feeling that discomfort in my body around, like just having it hard to look at certain parts of my body, breathing through that, taking deep breaths. And then just like allowing myself to love it. Um, you know, it's kind of like, believe it till you become it. So I would just say kind things to myself in the mirror. And really I started off saying neutral things like, thank you body for taking care of me. Thank you body for this opportunity to have an incarnation on earth. Like what a cool opportunity. So not making it so much about the image, but just gratitude for having a body to give me this human experience. It's a hell of an experience. A lot of people are dying to get to earth, believe it or not. Um, people are like really excited about earth right now. That's a different conversation for another time. And so that was deeply healing for me, just doing some body work. In front of the mirror, doing some mirror work and expressing love to myself. So it started off with, um, like what are the things I feel uncomfortable? Okay. Breathe through it. Let it go. Don't take it so personally. You know, I think it was helpful for me to realize, okay, this is my conditioning. This is not my truth. And then going to a place of neutrality. Thank you body for existing. And then to a place of like, I love you body. Thank you for taking care of me. And that was so healing. It helps me heal a lot of my sexual shame. Um, and the other thing that really helped me heal, um, from body shame and sexual shame is going to play parties. So at the time this was pre COVID, I was going to play parties very frequently, um, like pretty much monthly for a while, um, because they were such healing spaces. So if you don't know what a play party is, it's essentially an orgy. Um, and there's very different flavors of these. Um, Of course, the ones I would go to were like sober. They were very well facilitated. There was a clear container for it. Um, if you arrived late, like you couldn't even get in the door, you know, you have to arrive by certain time because the container is sealed and it's part of creating the safe space. So there are play parties you can go to that are not like that, that there's alcohol and loud music and it's kind of clubby. And I went to one of those and I was like, Oh God, never again. Like, no, that's not the vibe for me. It's, it doesn't create like safety. Um, but the ones I went to were super healing because they were sober, they were well facilitated. There was an intro and an outro. It was very social. We would all share like in a circle multiple times before we would get started. And it was a huge circle. It was probably like 50 people in a room, you know? And so it was a very like slow and intentional and connecting container. Um, and so I experienced so much healing at these, particularly because I would go to like, um, queer and trans centered ones. That was a sober space I would go to. And so I was in a room full of all these naked bodies that were all different than mine because they were all trans and queer. Like it's really cool living in the Bay area because you see so many trans people that in itself was so healing. But to see so many naked trans people and to be among that, when you're all naked together, it kind of eliminates the shame because if you're the only one naked in a room, everyone's looking at you and they're like, who's that naked person? Right. And they're looking up and down probably because they're not used to seeing a naked body. Whereas when you go into a sex positive environment that is intentional, it's sober, it's well facilitated. Nobody's just staring each other's naked bodies down because everybody's naked. You know, it's like, if you go into a room where everybody's clothed, you're not looking up every buddy's outfits, like up and down. I mean, you could, if you're really into fashion, I guess, but that's not the vibe at a play party. Like people are just like, it's just normal to hang out naked. And the cool thing about being trans is like, my body is different than a normative body because, you know, female body plus testosterone equals non-normative body. There's no taking that back, but it's cool because no two trans people look alike. And so I felt like I belonged because I didn't need to fit in because nobody looked the same. You know, there's something so liberating and freeing about that. Not needing to look a certain way because the norm is diversity. And so that was insanely healing for me just to be in a room with naked trans bodies in a very pro social environment where connection was facilitated. And, um, it was just such a safe space. There wasn't any weird microaggressions or like weird kind of boundary violations. It was so well facilitated. And so that was really healing for me. And of course, being in a room where a bunch of naked bodies are having sex and the shame around having sex is just eliminated. You know, I remember the first time I ever went to a play party, I was so nervous and I was like, Oh my God, how am I going to get naked in front of these people? How am I going to have sex in front of people? But by the end of the night, I, I was just so like in the moment and just immersed in that energy because everyone's immersed in that energy. It's a really beautiful, delicious energy to be in. It's energy of love and creativity and play and connection and freedom, right? Cause nobody's hiding. Everything's out in the open. So there's no stigma, there's no taboo and people are in pleasure. Like that's a hell of a vibe to share with people. So by the end of the night, I wasn't even like focusing on anyone else, but me and the person I was playing with. And I just had an amazing time and I felt so liberated by the end of it. And that's why I kept coming back because it was just each time I came back, it's like a flower that's like blossoming a little bit more each time. It was just so free. And so... In summary, I went from growing up in Missouri, um, raised as a girl, um, being very sexual, masturbating quite a bit, not really dating a lot of people because there wasn't that mutual attraction, uh, but having a high sex drive and feeling some shame about it to then moving to California, transitioning, um, from female to male and really exploring, but what is it like on the other side of the coin? Like, what if I were socialized male, then what would be different there? And that was so healing. And then going to these spaces where bodies are normalized, where trans bodies are normalized and where sex is normalized. Like it just took all the STEM stigma out of it. You know, I haven't got a lot of compliments actually about like, wow, I really enjoyed your scene. And I was like, what? But I was just really enjoying myself, you know, and it was like contributing to the space. And so that to me is the ultimate expression of like, I have no shame. Like I didn't even notice that you were noticing me, but it speaks loudly that like my presence had an impact in a space like that. And so that to me was like the graduation. Um, so there's a lot of sexual healing that happened. And I was also non monogamous at the time. I was non monogamous since, uh, 2018. Like it's funny enough. I started that in Missouri, which it was hard to find people in Missouri to do that with, but I did find a few, but then once I got to Oakland, it was like way easier. Cause there's a lot of people in the Bay area who are non monogamous, ethically non monogamous. It's not like you're hiding anything or if there's no consent around it, everyone's on the same page. Um, but for me, I actually found that the format of non monogamy kind of had me going from one extreme, which is being raised female in Missouri, feeling some shame about my high sex drive to the other extreme, which is really embracing like masculinity or whatever. Those like masculine cultural norms are where there's like no shame around sex, where sex is empowering, where I can embrace my sex drive and be proud of it. And so when you plug that into a non monogamous dynamic, um, I was just having so much sex, honestly. And it's like, okay, puberty. Mid twenties, you're in a densely populated area full of queer and trans people who are also non monogamous. You just have a lot of sex. There's no way around that. Okay. But the reason why this was going to the other extreme for me is because there was a part of me that was kind of overcompensating for my insecurities, because there was still that little voice inside of me that was like, well, are you lovable? What would people in Missouri say if they saw who you are now? Because I had just cut off contact with, I would say like 98% of people from my past, you know, like that Missouri culture really doesn't vibe with the Oakland culture. There is like maybe two people who I was still in contact with, um, who are like, yeah, love you, bro. I'm like, cool. But a lot of people, it's just awkward and there's some tension around it. So there's still a part of me that was like processing. This is one paradigm. And this is another paradigm in the Oakland paradigm where I'm embracing my sexuality and my gender identity. I was feeling so empowered and so free. And then in the other paradigm, the Missouri paradigm, I was still kind of processing that in the back of my mind of like, oh God, people would think I'm a freak or whatever. And so amidst practicing the self-love and the healing and the mirror work and the play parties and all that stuff, there was still this little voice in the back of my head that was saying, but what if you're not lovable? Okay. And so, I was soothing those insecurities of, is my body desirable, am I desirable as a person, is my personality desirable? And so, I was seeking that through sexual acceptance, because, especially as a kid, I was very much sexually rejected, or like, romantically rejected. I feel like I was that perpetual single person in high school, and I would just, like, long for a boyfriend, because I didn't know I was, well, I knew, but it wasn't safe for me to express my queerness at that time. But I would just be longing for a boyfriend, and nobody likes me back, or whatever. And, I just, I always felt rejected, and I always felt like, oh, there must be something wrong with me, I must be a freak, I must be weird. Because people did call me a freak when I was a kid, because of the way I defied gender norms. And so, that put me in the closet even more, because I just wanted to be accepted. And so, now, I went to the other extreme, where I was seeking acceptance through sex. And so, it was soothing a part of me. And so, I don't regret that chapter. I think it was healing in its own right, but it was definitely out of balance. And today, I feel like I'm a lot more in balance with it. And the thing that was out of balance with it is that, like, over time, I found myself actually saying yes to have sex with people who I wasn't actually interested in, but they were interested in me, and they were saying, like, do you want to have sex? And so, I had this thought of, like, well, who would I be to say no? Like, it's a form of play, or whatever. It doesn't have to mean I'm in love with you, or whatever. And that was a lot to kind of come to face, because I was like, oh my God, am I a fuckboy? You know? Like, before I had transitioned to male, I had always been so angry at patriarchy, because I had been sexually assaulted. You know, I didn't have the boundaries to, like, really navigate, you know, my younger 20s, and I was, like, trying to be empowered in my sexuality. And I was just so angry at the emotional misattunement that men had towards women, or at least towards me in my experience. And so, I thought, no way I could be a fuckboy. No, no way. And I just, like, it was in the back of my head of, like, am I? But then I was like, no way. Just having, like, an identity crisis around it. Like, like, I can't identify that way. I can't accept that I would ever be that. But now that I'm looking back at it, I'm like, yeah, you know, a little bit, I think I was, because I wasn't having any boundaries around saying no to sex. And that was totally out of balance. And it did create, like, some sticky situations where I have to tell people, like, you know, I know we had sex, but I'm not interested in dating you. And so, yeah, maybe it was a little fuckboy-ish. But that's what happens, I think, when you're insecure. I think fuckboys actually might be more insecure than people make them out to be. But this is about me, not fuckboys, right now. That'll be a different podcast episode.

And this came to a head. So, like, over time, I was kind of, like, percolating. These ideas were percolating in the back of my mind of, like, well, am I a fuckboy? I'm not saying no. Can I say no? And just really coming to terms with, like, I'm not holding any sexual boundaries. I'm just, like, hypersexual. It really came to a head when I had moved to Arizona and then ended up saying yes to have sex with someone who, like, I don't really think I did want to. It was that pattern of, like, who am I to say no. It was kind of compulsive. And this person specifically, I had met them at this big event that I had seen them present at. And I admired them. And I thought, wow, maybe this person could be a mentor to me because they were, like, at least a decade older. And, man, I just got into the stickiest situation because I had said yes. And it kind of ruined the potential for that relationship to be a mentorship relationship. And I really regretted it afterwards. Like, I enjoyed myself sexually or whatever, but it just, like, wasn't worth it because that wasn't what I wanted the nature of that relationship to be. But I just couldn't say no. I just couldn't say no. And so I said yes a few times. And it just made a huge mess. And it woke me up. I was like, OK, I think I have a hungry ghost issue. If you're into Buddhism, there's this concept in Buddhism called the hungry ghost. And what it refers to is this craving that could never be satisfied. Like, you can pursue something externally, like, forever and ever and forever without ever being able to fill the void. And so I was like, oh, my goodness, I think I'm having some hungry ghost sexual energy. And that just doesn't feel like something I want to get into. You know, I have a history of alcoholism. I've been sober for, I think, like, eight years now or something crazy like that. I have to count. But it just reminded me of those addictive patterns of, like, why can't I say no to something? This feels out of balance to me. And I intentionally went into a year of celibacy after that. Which for me was also a huge identity crisis because I had taken pride in my sex drive. I was seeking acceptance, um, unconsciously. I wasn't really consciously aware of it until after the celibacy period, but on an unconscious level, there was, um, a part of me that was feeling validated as a lovable person in the world. Every time I had sex, especially if I had sex with somebody new, it's like, see, see how desirable you are, Forrest? It was like convincing myself, um, that I was lovable. And so to say, I'm not going to have sex, I'm not going to seek it out. If somebody says they want to have sex with me, I'm going to say no, even if I want to have sex with them. I knew I just needed that period to focus on myself, to focus on the inner child work because I knew something was out of bounds there. So I call this my cave period where I just went inwards into my little cave, um, and like really like a deep reckoning with my relationship with myself. I was exploring deep into the shadows and I went to some dark places in that period, but it was like a dark night of the soul. You know, like I had to explore these parts of myself and I had to say no to a lot of things in order to make this space to go inwards and really do a deep dive as to like, what the hell is going on here? Why can't I say no to having sex? I thought I had healed all this sexual shame. So what's going on here? Um, and I did, I had healed a lot of sexual shame to this day. I still have no sexual shame. My partner is actually like always amazed at how just like open I am. She's like, Oh my God. Like, and I'm like, yeah, I have no shame.

But when I was able to really like go deep into my inner world and see what was going on there, what came up was actually the inner child work. What came up was the broken heartedness. I had felt around having a relationship with my biological family that is estranged, like haven't spoken to my mom or my dad or my sister in years. I think maybe it's been like seven years or something like that. I don't know. I need to do the math, but it's been a long time and I don't like it personally. It's not my preference. It's not what I would choose, but it's a complicated relationship dynamic, you know? So there's so much heartbreak in that, like longing for family and longing for acceptance where the missing piece for me was that my family was not accepting me as I was. And so there was a part of me that was feeling unlovable because my family, I felt like was rejecting me. And so I was looking for that acceptance elsewhere. And when I was reflecting on it, I was thinking, Oh yeah, like, like I realized that my family really did not express emotionally very much. There wasn't a big level of emotional intimacy in my family. There wasn't a lot of emotional vulnerability or even expression. Like we didn't even really hug in my family, which is crazy to think about. But when I was little, I would cuddle my mom all the time. I'd have a day off, like it'd be a Saturday. I'm not going to school. And she was a stay at home mom at that time. And I would just cuddle her up in bed like all day for hours. And I remember how bonding that felt. You know, there is like physical closeness that felt like connection to me. Whereas I had never learned how to experience that emotional connection on a deep level that I had always craved with my family because it just wasn't available. And so I realized, okay, maybe part of me seeking this sexual like intimacy is a way to feel connected just because I'm kind of replicating. Not that I ever had that with my family, you know, but in the physical closeness, you know, the platonic cuddling. Because maybe that's just how I learned to connect. You know, it's like through a physical way. And there is this desire to connect more deeply emotionally. But as long as I didn't know how to do that, what was more accessible was the sexual intimacy, the sexual connection. And it does feel insanely connecting. At least for me, it does. Maybe some people like disassociate or I don't know what's going on for everyone else. But for me, it always felt really connecting because I've always felt really open sexually. And so moving forward, I was like, okay, this is a big realization. Like, how can I move forward and have healthy relationships where they're not thrown out of balance? Or how do I know that I actually like someone? Um... You know, without needing to have sex with them because what had happened in the past is I was hypersexual and so I'd want to have sex right away because I thought, oh, I'm sexually liberated. And so let's have sex. It's sex positive. But what I find is when you, when I would start off the relationship with sex right away, it creates this like chemical emotional bond, um, or like a physical kind of chemistry or intimacy that is a bond. But like I could have sexual chemistry with like probably hundreds of people and maybe 10% of those people I would have emotional chemistry with, you know? And so when I started off so soon having sex, like sometimes on the first date, sometimes the second or the third, just really soon, you know, not giving a chance to see like what is the emotional intimacy before getting into that, that other form of bonding. Um, I would find out the hard way like six months down the line that, oh, actually, I don't think this is as aligned as I am. I thought it would be. I think we've just been bonding sexually and I've been kind of stuck on the sexual bond, but I don't think this is going to be compatible for the longterm, you know? Um, and so moving forward, I realized that I wanted to lean more into emotional intimacy for a sense of safety in my relationship. Like I said, the sex is still important. It's not like there's something wrong or bad about that. Um, and you can still have sex as an indicator that the relationship is secure because let's say you don't have sex for a whole year. It's like, well, what's going on there? Unless there's something medical happening, you know? Um, maybe that could be a red flag or a warning sign that maybe there's some disconnection emotionally that needs to be tended to. That's what I find is mostly happening. Um, when I'm holding space for people in session, that if they're not having sex, it's usually an emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Um, but I think sexual chemistry is a sign that the relationship is in good health. Um, of course, it's something you also have to feed. It's not just like, you know, after the new relationship energy phase, the NRE phase, it doesn't just stay there forever. Like you feed it. Um, so I personally think it's an important part of a relationship for me. I know different people would say different things. Um, but I didn't want to base the security of my entire relationship on sex. Like I wanted to take some energy off of it because I mentioned this in the intro, but I'm going to say it again, because this is an important point, like a huge discovery for me in my journey was when I was having sex, I would feel secure in the moment. The sex was happening or maybe like an hour after the sex was happening. Maybe we're cuddling in bed and then we're making a meal and it's like, ah, I know you love me. And I know you want to date me because we just had sex. And it was such a fleeting sense of security. And it was that hungry ghost energy, like always needing more. The security was not lasting. And so I'd always have to seek it out over and over again. And not in all my relationships, but in a couple of them, this did create tension where this one person is like, listen, I just don't need sex as much as you. And I started flailing, you know, because subconsciously I was like, well, how do I know you love Like, you know? Um, and so I think part of my insatiable desire for sex was just looking for that reassurance that am I secure in this relationship? Like, are you in this thing with me? Show me physically, you know? Um, but for that person, it was creating tension because that's not what they needed to feel secure in the relationship. And so I was really suffering and I was struggling with feeling secure. And so, you know, it's moments like that, where it's like, you know, it started percolating. This is before the celibacy period where I thought, okay, there's something here I need to address. There's something I need to face. So moving forward, I decided, okay, I'm going to lean more into emotional intimacy. I'm not going to have sex right away with the next person I date. I want to make sure there's an emotional connection. I don't want to lean on sex as my primary way to feel secure in the relationship. Um, and you know, part of that requires vulnerability, of course, because there is no intimacy without vulnerability. That's just how it goes. And you know, I've always prided myself on being authentic, but you know, I think authenticity is a spectrum. You know, you can still express your personality authentically without showing a hundred percent of what's going on behind the scenes. You know what I mean? Um, and so for me, I noticed I was in this kind of fawning pattern whenever I would start a new relationship because I was insecure. I was like, Oh, I want this to go well. I don't want this person to lose interest. And so what I called the boyfriend character would come online to be really charming, to be really impressive, to basically just make sure that this person is interested in me to help me feel secure in the relationship. Um, It was kind of like a mask I was wearing, really. Um, and it was masking the insecurities, the insecurities of like, well, what if I'm a hundred percent authentically me? I'm unapologetic about what's coming up for me emotionally and what my desires are with this person and X, Y, Z. And what if they don't like that? What if I'm rejected? What if I'm alone? What if I'm unlovable? That's what it always comes down to. At least for me is what if I'm unlovable? And so this boyfriend character would just spring into action and I'd be like, I think I was in the boyfriend character. Like I had to notice it until I could notice it enough to where I was noticing it in action in the moment and I could choose to be a little bit more vulnerable. But in the beginning I was mostly reflecting and thinking, oh my God, I think I'm in a fawning pattern. Like, I don't think I'm being fully myself. I think I'm just being charming.

And so if I were able to show more of myself unfiltered, if I were willing to be vulnerable, that I wouldn't have to overcompensate with sexual intimacy to reassure myself that I was secure in the relationship. So that was my task at hand was to be more upfront, to be more vulnerable, to be more expressive about what was actually coming up for me. Like, how was I actually feeling about that person? Were my feelings growing? Was I really enamored? You know, just like really expressing it, not really hiding it behind this mask of like the charming, impressing boyfriend character. Because I have been in various relationships that were very sexual and there was not an emotional sense of security. Like I've dated people who had the same pattern as me, that they were seeking the security through sex. And so we would just have a lot of sex because that was the feedback loop that we both needed to have to be able to like relax into the bond and to know that we weren't breaking our bond. But emotionally it was a wreck because we just weren't building on the emotional intimacy. And so it was kind of like, I get this image of like, there's an earthquake and there's a huge crack in the ground and we're just pretending like the crack isn't even there at all. We're just going to have sex and everything's fine, but nothing is being addressed like on a deeper level, you know? And so it felt more shallow, really.

So the thing with intimacy is that it requires vulnerability. Intimacy is a state of mutual vulnerability where you're both just really defenseless with each other. You know, the fawning pattern for me is a safety mechanism, like a survival mechanism. It's like, I don't want to be left alone because, you know, we're a social species. We thrive in community and we thrive in societies. And so when you're left alone, it can trigger that kind of survival response. Feeling rejected could kind of trigger that survival response of like, oh my goodness, is my safety threatened? Nobody wants me. You know, this is the insecurities it brings up. And so the vulnerability is just to be able to risk the rejection, really. It's being willing to not have to filter yourself in order to like maintain a relationship. And so that's what I was leaning into was less masking and just leaning in more to the risk of being rejected for what was actually coming up for me, for my actual personality, my sense of humor, my likes and my dislikes, my opinions, my philosophy, you know, and my feelings.

Because, you know, my younger 20s, I would be forthcoming about my feelings and it would freak people out because that emotional intimacy wasn't being reciprocated. And so instead of having the maturity and like the sense of self, like the confidence and security myself to say, oh, well, that person just wasn't ready for what I was ready for. What I did instead was said, oh, well, I can't show that too early on again because that's not safe. People don't like that. And so I was kind of in this fawning response where I was making myself smaller and not really expressing myself unfiltered. So after about a year of intentional celibacy, I felt like I had done enough inner work where I was feeling secure in myself again, where I was ready to date again. And what I told myself was, I'm not going to actively seek something out, I'm not going to pursue anybody, but if something were to unfold organically, I would be open to it. And with the intention of not having sex right away, but first investing in the emotional intimacy before crossing the, um, the bridge of sexual intimacy and long and behold, the next person I dated, this is so crazy actually, because I was not seeking it out at all. It just kind of unfolded very organically and very unexpectedly. Um, and it started off completely long distance. So we're living in different States. So the universe was like, I hear you. And kind of gave me the structure to really follow through with my intention. Cause we started off as friends, you know? Um, and we're going to share about our love story and a different episode because it's an amazing love story. I've never heard anything like it before. It's very Aquarian and very unique and very like, just like niche as fuck. It's very like eccentric, you know? Yeah. And it's beautiful. So there's a whole love story that goes behind it. But for right now, what I want to share is I fell in love with her over the phone before we had ever met before. And that's the first time I had ever experienced that in my life. So it was definitely like a positive sign moving forward. And I was not feeling attached at all to actually pursuing anything with her. Um, so I had actually told her first that I was crushing on her because we were talking so consistently on the phone, like texting, sending voice messages.

And I was just feeling this tension bubbling up in me where I was like, okay, I think it's unethical if I'm not naming this feeling. Cause this feeling is so big that I have. And so I just told her in this very honest way, like what was coming up for me, that I wasn't feeling attached to like the outcome, to how it unfolded. So I just needed to say this thing because it was here. I needed to name it. And I remember her response saying, um, something like, wow, I really love how honest you are. And I was like, damn, I really am following through with my intention, you know, cause like I said earlier, um, emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. And that's what I was doing from the get go over and over and over and over again from the initial text where I was like, Hey, I just want you to know I'm developing some romantic feelings towards you. And we don't have to do anything about that. I just need to name that. That's here for me, you know, to like, okay, we've reciprocated feelings and we're like in the initial stages of dating over and over again. I've taken these little tiny choice points. And in those moments where I'm noticing an opportunity to put down the boyfriend character, to put down the mask and to say the honest thing, to say the vulnerable thing that made me feel kind of like shameful or made me feel embarrassed. So like, Oh my God, I can't believe I'm saying this right now because it's just true. Just a hundred percent transparency, just sharing what's coming up for me around how I'm feeling. Um, and every single time I remember thinking like, Oh my God, what am I doing? Like, why am I saying this? Why am I being so honest? Because it was terrifying. I was like bracing for rejection, at least the risk of rejection. Cause I didn't know how she was going to respond. I didn't know if it was going to reveal a misalignment, you know, I didn't know if she would be judging me and what was coming up for me or if like, she just wouldn't like it. And she's like, yeah, I don't know if I'm as interested in this guy anymore. Not I'm getting to know him more, you know? Um, but literally every single time that I had shared vulnerably and I felt sick to my stomach when I would do this and I'd be holding my breath like, uh, you know, but then when she would respond, she would reciprocate the feeling and she would be so reassuring as to what was coming up for me. And that was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. But the difference was, I mean, part of it was her, but a big part of it is because I was initiating that radical transparency. Because I was like, I don't want to be stuck in this like sexual hungry ghost pattern my whole life where I'm insatiable and I can never get enough where I'm trying to feel secure through sex, but I'm not feeling secure. It's just this fleeting sense of security that leaves it, um, immediately after the sex is done. And so I was really putting myself out there and it felt vulnerable. I felt like a worm drying up on the sidewalk. You know, I felt like so vulnerable. But my authenticity was an invitation for her authenticity. And to this day, that's the most powerful way I've ever started any relationship. It was setting the tone from the beginning that this is not a performative relationship. This isn't a game where we try to impress each other or manipulate the other into liking us by filtering things out that we don't like about ourselves or accentuating things that we do like about ourselves. I was just showing up like actually like with radical authenticity and saying, yeah, and this doesn't feel great to say, but it's true. This is what's coming up for me. And every single time I was met with compassion and with reciprocity. And so we just kept deepening and deepening and deepening because I was finally emotionally

available because I had done that inner shadow work around, um, trying to seek security mainly through sex. And I finally was able to, to feel a sense of security because well, I'll tell you why. So let's look at what does it take to be emotionally secure? And this is just from my own life experience, what I have learned. Um, a big part of it is creating a container for the relationship. Our very first date, we sat down over zoom, funny enough, and we just created some agreements as to like, what are some things that we're practicing? So one example is let's not make any assumptions. Let's approach things with curiosity. Um, another example is our bodies, our primary partner. So we're not going to sacrifice our needs for the other person. We're always going to put ourselves first and then we'll connect, um, where there's authentic space to connect, you know? Um, and we made it like a whole list of these agreements. So just the fact that we sat down and kind of formalized, okay, if we're going to deepen into relationship, let's get on the same page about how are we interacting with each other? So this was like the, literally the first date. Okay.

Um, and it wasn't like making a declaration of this is the intention for the relationship. This is where we're going. If anything, what we had agreed on is like, let's not put any pressure on this. Let's just see where it goes naturally. And this is where it's gone naturally. Here we are, you're later living together. Um, I moved states to be with her. And so we did have this intention about not having the specific outcome, but we were on the same page about, well, let's feel things out and see where it goes. And then we had these cultural norms that we were practicing that were agreed upon. So creating a container for the relationship definitely is a huge part of feeling emotionally secure in the relationship because not only is it giving me a feedback loop and her feedback loop, us a feedback loop around, um, you know, are, are we embodying the container that we had set out or are we drifting away? Like, is, is there integrity in the relationship or not? Is this, is this thing holding up or not? You know, if we're in bounds, then we're in this thing, you know what I mean? Um, so it gives us a feedback loop to help just indicate like, okay, so we are staying on the same team during conflict. It looks like we are like deepening into emotional intimacy. We are deepening into relationship if we're following through with these agreements, but it also just the very act of making agreements is a sign of investing in the relationship. It's ritualistic. It's, it's like, you're carving out a time and space to sync up and say, Hey, let's invest in this thing. How do we want our relationship culture to be? What are we agreeing to in our relationship? And that just gives so much strength to like the third entity that is you and the other person combined. It's like, you kind of like, you know, you have the, what is it? Phoenix says this a lot better than me. It's like, yeah, it's like the third entity, like the essence of the relationship itself. So we're like beating the essence of the relationship. So that's a very powerful practice is creating container for the relationship. You can check out episode seven, the one before this that goes way deeper into it. That's what the whole thing is about. It's called creating a conscious culture, creating a conscious couple culture. I'll say that three times fast.

The other part for me that has really helped me feel emotionally secure in a relationship is verbal feedback. So one way to say this is words of affirmation. So what I see in session happening a lot is people are like, well, I don't know how it's going. We've been on five dates and I know I can't tell how's it going. Um, and I'm like, well, have you asked? So a lot of the insecurity comes from the guessing of not knowing, like when you don't know, you just guess. And that uncertainty creates some anxiety and you might feel less settled in the relationship. You might be more on edge trying to read between the lines, but you can literally just ask. So for me, the words of affirmation is huge because, you know, teach their own. For some people it's really effective. For some people it's less. Maybe some people are more into physical touch or something. For me, the words of affirmation is very effective. So what I was saying over and over and over again was what was true for me in the moment. So like, even before I told her that I was like crushing on her, I would just say what was true for me. And so sometimes it was something like, you know, I'm really enjoying getting to know you. Um, or later when we were actually dating and we finally met up in person, you know, it's like, we're having a really great time together. And I would just say like, man, I'm really enjoying laughing with you right now in this moment. And then over time, I would say, you know, I just love how easy it is to be silly together. So these are things that you could be feeling, but not saying, but for me to proactively make a point to like speak what is unsaid, to say what is felt, even when it's unnecessary, it can just really create a sense of safety in the relationship. Because when I'm initiating the sentiment, at least with my specific partner, um, she's always reciprocating it back to me. And that is helping me feel like, Oh, good. So you feel the same way as me. We're on the same page. And that helps me relax into the relationship helps me relax into trust. And when there's trust, I can really just enjoy the relationship. I don't have to waste all my energy on the stress of being a Sherlock Holmes and trying to crack the code and figure out what is going on here. are we connecting or not? You know, you know, and now that we're a year into relating, um, more deeply, we often express how much we value each other being in our lives. Um, which is totally unnecessary and probably not a norm. You know, most people probably don't proactively, um, keep expressing words of affirmation. Um, or what Jessica Fern would call in her book, poly secure is expressed delight. Um, but it really does for me, like help me feel more secure in the relationship. It helps me enjoy the relationship more. You know, um, it reminds me of like, um, whenever I'm living with people, it's a cultural norm that I like to embody when somebody's sweeping the kitchen floor to say, Hey, thanks for doing that. And some people might say, well, why are you thinking me? This should be expected of me. Like this is a requirement, but it's, there's so much scarcity and just being like, Oh, you're supposed to do that. So I'm not going to appreciate it. But there's a culture about like very proactively and loudly appreciating, like, Hey, you're doing something to contribute to the house. So let me appreciate you for that. And it's a similar concept in relationships. You might think, Oh, well, I've been married for 10 years. And so my partner knows that I love them. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, but there's something really delicious and pleasurable about actually just speaking it out loud, even when you don't have to. Um, cause that's so abundant. It's like, don't assume that that's just understood. And even if it is understood, how abundant is it to just express how much delight that the other person is bringing you, how much delight that this relationship is bringing you, you know, it's a different experience when you're eating your food and it tastes really good, but you're being really quiet. You're not saying anything about it. Um, you're not even making any noises with your mouth. Um, Versus you're eating food and you're like, Mmm, oh my God, this is so good. Mmm. It really enhances the experience. And so the words of affirmation or the express to delight, it's another way to say it, um, it really feeds the relationship, um, and creates that sense of security. At least for me, it does. So I don't know, can you relate to that? Or is that something you want to explore more with your partner? And so of course, the longer we date, um, the more these forms of express delight changes. Um, so like, you know, even just today we were setting even deeper intentions, you know, like, well, to me, this feels like a lifelong partnership. What does this feel like to you? Um, and we were looking at like, what is our bigger vision for life if we were really going to partner up in that way? Um, but it's, it's this idea of verbally expressing, I want to continue investing in this relationship with you. So there's no second guessing, you know, um, and we actually revisited relationship agreements today and I was taking notes. So it is kind of this ritual of like formalizing what we've both already known. So it was like quick and easy to write them down because we've talked about it all the time, but there's something symbolic about formalizing some agreements or some intentions that really, for me, helps me feel secure in the relationship. And so of course, you know, the relationship agreements, it's not a one and done like you keep revisiting them over and over again, because it's symbolizing that you're recommitting to each other over and over and over again. Another thing that helps me feel secure in a relationship is physical touch. Um, so again, it's like that expressed delight. It's the affection, the delight of seeing your partner and being like, wow, I just want to touch you. And I'm not talking about sexual touch. I also enjoy that obviously. But what I'm talking about is the casual affection. Um, snuggles, kisses, of course, but like, you're sharing space and there's just a casual like acknowledgement of the other, like maybe I'm on the couch editing a video and my partner walks by and she just rubs my shoulder and she's like, Hey babe, like those little things, they really help me relax into a relationship. Um, so I'm not needing to lean on sex specifically to show me that I'm desired and that I'm loved. I can also interpret non-sexual touch as I'm loved as like, Oh, I'm being desired and sought out and I'm loved. You know, I know this about myself. I'm a very touchy person and touch is a big, like need of mine. And it doesn't even have to be for my partner. I just, I need hugs. I need physical affection every day. Um, and so I communicated this upfront and her knowing that it's an invitation for her to help me feel secure. And so when I know that she knows what she's doing, it's also signaling to me that, you know, she's investing in the relationship. Um, and because this is an expectation or like a mutual understanding that we share because it's been spoken, um, any absence of physical touch could be a sign that something is off. This wouldn't be just something I'm interpreting based on my insecurities. It's something that's been named and understood. Another thing that really helps me feel secure in the relationship is when I offer feedback of like, Hey, I noticed that we haven't been very physically affectionate with each other. Um, I would really love some more. Physical touch. Like what's going on is something up here. Um, and she'll be like, Oh no, I've just been kind of stressed or whatever. You know, it's like a way to check in and like have a feedback loop. So I'm not just in my head about it thinking like what's going on. It's spoken, it's acknowledged. Um, and so when she is receptive to my feedback and implements the feedback, it helps me really relax into the up. So, communication is a big piece. Um, a lot of us didn't grow up with communication skills. I definitely did not. I had to learn them as an adult, which is crazy to think about, but most people do that these days. Very rarely do people actually learn that as a kid, but there are some people out there, I'm sure. But for me to trust myself enough to be able to communicate something that feels kind of uncomfortable, like if I feel some shame around it, or if it feels just really vulnerable, but I'm able to communicate it and to know that I'm being heard in what I'm saying, because this is where a lot of couples, um, feel disconnected is like, there's something being said, but the message is not being understood. So the communication is actually not really taking place. It's attempting to take place because communication is more than talking. You have to be understood to be communicating. There has to be a message that makes it across the bridge. You know, it can't just be a message that's trying to go there, but it's, it's not landing. Um, that's not communication. So when my partner is able to hear what I'm saying and then implement what I'm asking for, or if I'm feeling insecure, she's like, Oh, well, what would help you feel more secure, more touch. And then she touches me more. And I'm like, Oh God, I feel so secure now specifically because she's attuning to me and what I'm needing or what I'm wanting. So that is a big part of what helps me feel secure in a relationship outside of sex. Leaning into conflicts is another huge part. Staying on the same team. Um, I made a couple episodes about creating a culture of repair. So it's not about avoiding conflict altogether. It's about being able to lean in, stay on the same team. And it's okay if conflict happens because that's inevitable, but how do you repair from it? And can you create a culture of repair? So you don't have to worry about avoiding conflicts. You can trust that you're going to be able to repair, um, quickly and smoothly. So episodes four and five, you can check those out. Um, I think it's called like eight best practices for navigating conflict. Another thing that helps me feel secure outside of sex is, um, just feeling validated in my feelings. Um, so, you know, I might think like, Oh God, why am I feeling this way? This feels like an overreaction or why am I feeling jealous? You know? And she's like, it's okay to feel jealous. It's normal. Like there's nothing going on here, but I understand where you're coming from. And I'm just like, uh, I can just relax into the relationship feeling like she's validating my feelings. Cause it always starts with that self work, that inner work of validating your own feelings. Cause most of society doesn't do that for you. Definitely not your boss. A lot of the times, not your parents, a lot of the times, not a lot of your ex partners, you know? Um, so it starts with validating from within, but to get that validation from without it signals safety to my nervous system where it's like, I don't have to prove myself. I'm not interpreted to be wrong. I'm not judged for having feelings that there's space for my feelings and they're valid. It's such a gentle, like little nest to soften into. And the other thing too, is when she encourages, um, my growth edge, um, which usually is tied to some sort of need that I have. Um, so validating feelings and needs, um, encouraging my growth edge, because that is part of our relationship agreement is that we're here to help each other learn and grow. Um, not only individually, but grow together as a couple. So when she's encouraging my growth edge, it feels so supportive because that's my intention already. It's not something she's putting on me and saying, you need to change. It's something that I'm saying like, Ooh, I have this fawning pattern. This is what I'm practicing. This is why I want to practice it. I think it would feel, um, more easeful and I might feel more free and more relaxed just to be myself. I don't have to calculate so much, or I don't have to dim myself, you know? And she's like, great. And then she encourages me in that. That's a great feeling. Helps me feel secure in the relationship. Um, and then the last thing I want to say here is, so these are things that help me feel secure in the relationship outside of sex. And as a result of these things of feeling secure outside of sex, I'm noticing a different kind of sex emerging, which is like unbelievable for me. And it's more deeply satisfying than anything I've ever known before. Um, so there's a lot of different ways to have sex, of course. Right. Um, what most of society does within imperialist culture, where war is the norm, is sex tends to be all about the lower three chakras. So your first chakra is about survival. It's like food, water, for men, it's sex, for male bodies, it's sex. Um, and then your second chakra is like emotions, feelings, for females, it's sex, um, and like reproduction, of course. And then your third chakra is like your battery. It's like your motor, your energy center, how you do things and what you do. And so these are the earth chakras. The remaining four chakras are like more of the cosmic, um, chakras. So part of humanity's oppression is being stuck in those lower three chakras and not being able to embody like a more balanced energetic, um, expression in a human body. Um, so keeping people stuck in those lower three chakras, it's not like the lower three chakras are bad or something, but you need those lower three chakras to be in balance in order to cultivate the higher chakras. Um, and so, you know, I was relating to sex a lot more from the lower three chakras before making it more about orgasm, more about the carnal pleasure, which I also love. Like, um, I'm not saying that's not monogamous. I'm not saying that's not monogamous. Um, but I'm not saying that's not monogamous and, you know, twenties. It was like a phase I went through, um, and teach their own. That's, this is just my story, right? Like, um, but what I find is that when I'm less obsessed with having sex all the time, so I can get that feedback loop that I'm secure in the relationship. I can relax into the spaciousness of not needing to have sex all the time. And so it does feel a little bit more like quality over quantity. And what I've experienced is like the higher chakras being activated during sex. It's not every single time, but holy shit. It's just like something else. It's like living in a different world. Um, my partner calls it sacred sex and you know, she's very deeply spiritual and it's been on the spiritual path since like her young twenties. It's really cool. She has a very cool story. Um, but she's been into this for a while. Whereas to me, it's a little bit newer. And so I'm still kind of exploring that edge. And what I find is that the more vulnerable I'm able to be, the more I allow myself to surrender, the easier it is to tap into those higher chakras of having sex, like an addition to the lower chakras. And that to me is what has given me so far in my life, the deepest emotional intimacy I've ever experienced during sex. It's amazing. It is like such a satisfying, delicious feeling. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea for some people, you know, the body is a playground. It's a fun thing to explore and like no judgment. This is just me and like my story. Right. Um, but what I noticed specifically as a trans man is that I went through a phase where I was trying to kind of overcompensate, um, my masculinity to hide my insecurities. So an example of this is like, you know, it's the opposite of surrender. It's being more active, it's being more active, being more in charge. Um, whereas when I'm feeling more secure emotionally in the relationship without needing sex to be the main source of my security, what I've been exploring is that edge of really surrendering into the more feminine energy, not in a gendered way, but more of like a yin and a yang kind of way. Um, yeah. Where I'm just deeply being receptive. Um, so this might be TMI, but an example is like, if I'm being fingered, you know, the more masculine way of doing that is like I'm riding the fingers, like I'm in charge versus me like surrendering, like laying down very vulnerably and allowing myself to be penetrated. It's like a whole different level of emotional intimacy. Um, that to me is now available because of the security I'm already feeling in the relationship. And not needing to source that security from the sex itself. So it's just been really trippy and humbling and amazing to continue to explore the different flavors and energies that sex can take on because I thought I had done it all, but now I feel like I'm, I'm reaching a different level of spiritual maturity where I don't know, it doesn't have to be as flashy and as like, kind of like rebellious as like, yeah, I'm going to a play party. I'm having sex in front of all these people. Now it's a lot more gentle and subtle and it's more private and man, it just feels so deeply fulfilling. It's amazing. And of course, you know, in the very beginning of our relationship, when we're meeting up in person, um, there's the new relationship energy, the NRE phase where there is a lot more sex in general. I think for most people it's like that. Maybe there is more carnal kind of bonding where lower three chakras But what I found is over time when I was able to soften into trusting the relationship and the more the emotional intimacy deepened outside of sex, the more I was able to surrender more vulnerably and more emotionally where I don't have to mask and be like the, I don't know, this like masculine archetype. That's like hiding my, you know, it's like hiding my female body. Like I have a female body and I can embrace that, you know, like that I don't need to have shame about my body and I don't need to fulfill any sort of gender roles to like affirm my gender. Um, so it's, it's just been a hell of a journey. So I'm going to start summarizing really. Um, you know, if I could do a TLDR, um, too long, didn't read. This is what I would say. It took me years to admit to myself that I had some shadows I needed to face sexually. I finally was able to address those. And when I did, what I found underneath it were physical insecurities and emotional insecurities. Like, am I lovable as I am? Is my body lovable? Is my personality lovable? Um, and for me personally, I did find that when I explored my sexual shadows, that there was something to address. And once I addressed it, I started feeling more free in how I expressed myself, not needing to filter myself or fawn to feel a sense of safety in the relationship. And I felt like I could just relax into the relationship more, um, by finding ways to feel secure in the relationship that aren't a hundred percent relying on sex. And for me, that was primarily the emotional intimacy. Um, and so for you, it might look a little bit differently. You might have some overlap. That's for you to decide. All I can do is share my story. I don't really know what your story is. Um, but I'd be really curious to hear in the comments, which part of this, um, podcast is resonating with you. And like, what are you seeing for yourself as a takeaway? How is it impacting you? I'd love to know. And everyone is on their own timeline. There's literally no shame because like your path is different than mine path. Your soul had a different, um, plan for your incarnation. My soul had a different plan. Like there's no two souls that are just like synced up. I'm like, this is the formula for life. Everyone's moving on their time, their own timeline. Everyone has their own like soul mission in this life. And it's not always as grand as you might think of like, I'm going to save the world from fascism. Like, no, that's not realistic. Honestly, sorry to like burst your bubble. But, um, sometimes the sole mission is like, I'm going to learn about happiness in this life. I'm going to learn how to let go of control. I'm going to learn whatever, whatever your growth edge is. It's usually more simple than what you might imagine. So, you know, this is just where I'm at. I've been dated a previous partner who had been celibate for a year before, um, we had started dating. And I remember at the time finding that very confronting and feeling like, oh my God, like I could feel there was something there I needed to address, but I wasn't ready to look at it. And so that kind of planted a seed for me. And at that time, I never in a million years thought I could be actually capable of doing that, which it's just cool. It's cool to see where life will take you. So reflection questions that I want to offer you. Um, what helps you feel secure in a relationship? What are things that your partner says or does that help you relax into trusting the stability of the relationship? What role does sex play in your relationship? This is a really important thing to reflect on, because I think most people don't. I think most people relate to sex unconsciously. Like it's just, there's something running the show that you're not really facing. It's whatever the automatic is. So what role does sex play in your relationship? Is it more carnal or mechanical than anything else? Is it those lower three chakras all about focusing on orgasm and release? Um, and just physical pleasure. How emotional do you need sex to be? Or how emotional do you even want it to be? You know, to each their own. Um, how vulnerable do you allow yourself to get? And how do you know when you're in a place where you're performing?

What does it look like when you're performing? What does it sound like when you're performing?

So reflecting on all these things, which part of this feels nourishing? And which part of this feels like, eh, maybe this doesn't feel like my highest truth. Maybe this just feels like an unconscious pattern. And if you could have it your way, how would you like to know that you're secure in the relationship? Maybe you're fine with having sex be the indicator for you. And maybe sex plays a role still. But, you know, just genuinely asking yourself, like, if you could totally just relax into the relationship, knowing that you're safe, that your partner's not going to unexpectedly break up with you from one day to the next, leaving you high and dry, no surprises, just relax into the relationship, how would you like to receive that feedback that you're secure? So that's all for today. I hope you got something for yourself out of hearing my story. I mean, it's quite a lot I shared with you, so I hope you enjoyed it. And, um, if you want to stay in the loop about upcoming workshops that I'm hosting around different themes that I podcast about, check out my newsletter by going to conscious relating. org. That's where I announce all my upcoming events. I do have a couple of workshops that are coming up this fall around people pleasing that I will be announcing shortly via my newsletter. So make sure to sign up for that. If you want to stay in the loop, if you haven't already followed this podcast and subscribed, um, click the notification bell so you can get notifications. I always post every other week. I released new episodes every other Friday, and I am really open to receiving feedback around like, what do you want me to podcast about? Cause I have literally a million ideas. I'm never going to run out, but I'm also curious to take requests or to get inspired by like, maybe there's something that you're experiencing in your specific relationship dynamic that you want an opinion about, or you want some support or guidance with, let me know in the comments. Um, and maybe I'll make a podcast about it. Thanks for being here, my friend. Um, may you have pleasure and peace in your heart and may your relationship truly be an anchor for you during such chaotic times on earth. Peace be with you.